Still confused....ups and downs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Still confused....ups and downs....
2
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:55am
I posted here earlier about the problems we were having. It's been 5 weeks now since I found out about the OW, and admitted my wrong doings 2 years ago. We have been working on our relationship, talking more, going to eat and movies by ourselves, spending time together, going to sleep together at night and cuddling/making love, all the things we did 17 years ago when we first met, but better. I still have moments of doubt and uncertainty and I get angry when I think about things that we both have done and wonder, why am I in this crazy relationship? Only a few of our friends or family know about it, and about 75% think it's great that we are trying to work things out to have a good relationship that we always wanted, but never worked at. The others think it's ridiculous to even try, as we've both failed in the past, and they don't hesitate to tell me or him that we'll fail again. When they tell me this, I get very upset and think "Am I making a mistake?", but then I sit and really think about it, and I just can't picture myself without him. Just for background, I have been on my own before, so it's not that I'm scared to be alone. I honestly love him, but I don't trust either of us right now, I suppose. Some days I do, then something reminds me of past things, and then I don't. I trust myself, because I honestly don't feel that I would do that again. It's him I worry about. He's been very down due to being laid off from work a year ago, and things have not been very good at him finding another job. The job he had was a high paying job, and it will be difficult to find another. However, he does have the business that he owns and he has been more involved in it the last year. He has 2 good opportunities for a new job, and he'll know something on both of them mid-March. He is just not the type of person that can feel useful when he's out of work. He tells me all the time how unmotivated he feels and that he's depressed, but he doesn't show it outwardly, just inwardly. He also told me that it wasn't just the lack of sex that caused him to be with the OW...they weren't in an emotional relationship, just physical, though they did talk some as friends. Since they weren't that close, he didn't tell her about losing his job and how bad he felt. He told me that that gave him a tiny escape from the worries about providing for us, even though he knew it was wrong. He says he won't do it again, as we are both putting 100% into this relationship now. I asked him about going to counseling, but he doesn't want to "go to someone who is going to tell me I'm depressed, which I already know I am, and tell me to take meds to feel better". What should I do? I'm being there for him, but some days it is really hard. I know I don't help when I think negative thoughts, and I call him (which I did just a few minutes ago) and instead of saying "Good Morning, I love you" I start with "Are you sure you're not going to look for someone else?" He asked me why my first phone call, whether it's me calling him or him calling me, had to start out negative alot of the time. (Which I do) When I'm thinking things, and he calls, I start asking or making comments. I don't wait until we get home and can sit down and talk. Like my title said, ups and downs. For the most part, I feel that things are going well between us. Not perfect, but definately much better than I can remember. Our children have noticed it, and my daughter made a comment as she & I were heading back from her softball tournament that "You & Dad are getting along alot better...I like when ya'll can joke and you don't blow up at him for joking or hugging you." Out of the mouths of babes, huh? (She is 15) Any advice? I can't get him to go to a counselor. He has started going back to church and reading his Bible again, which does help him. He talks to a pastor friend of ours weekly. Am I completely retarded to stay with him, working on a relationship? One friend tells me to get out now, to not chance being hurt again. My other friends think it's great, and they have seen the change in us and wish their relationships could change. I know I shouldn't listen to others, but it's so hard when they just throw it at you. Thanks for reading. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 11:03am
'I asked him about going to counseling, but he doesn't want to "go to someone who is going to tell me I'm depressed, which I already know I am, and tell me to take meds to feel better".'

Why does he think the counselor will say this? Has he been to counseling? Many therapists are not Dr.s and don't even have the ability to write a prescription. I think that if someone resists counseling when their partner suggests it, then it says a lot about how much they value the relationship and are trying to work on it. Spending more time together, etc is fine but is it improving your trust? Are you really getting to the heart of the problems like a professional would help you to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:58pm
Hmm, how about you ask him to go to counseling with you do deal with rebuilding trust (don't mention the depression)? You'd think if he wanted to save the marriage he would go? Though, it is good about church and talking to the pastor.

Will he read with you?

When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself, Laura Epstein Rosen

The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch

Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Not all of them, but pick ones that sound interesting to both of you.


Carrie