Still hurting..don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Still hurting..don't know what to do
2
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 2:44pm
Last January I found out my fiance has cheated on me with a mutual co-worker at our job. When I confronted him about it, he said it happened 4 times in December and he had never ever cheated on me before. At the time, there was a lot of family/emotional issues he had but was not dealing with-he wouldn't talk to me about how he was hurting/feeling. We had an extremely emotional night, and at the end I was ready to leave (maybe I should have) but he swore and promised it would never happen again...he knew he f*$%ed up the best thing in his life...I was the only one he wanted to be with forever. In the end I stayed on the condition he had to regain my trust, talk to me about any emotional stuff he was having problems with, just treat me like he SHOULD have been doing all along-with respect/love/etc. I gave him the ring back that night and told him I didn't want it back unless he was ready to live up to everything it symbolized. He's ready to re-propose, but I still have so much hurt and so many questions as to why he did it, but I don't want to keep bringing it up-it hurts too much to have to talk to him about the deatils, even though I WANT the details (why, I don't know). Should I (we) get counseling before we go any further? He really does want to work on it, but he's not the "go to counseling" type - he thinks he can fix it by himself, but I think talking to a therapist will really help. Should I force the issue?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 4:46pm

Yes, you must face the issue. He can't work it all through by himself, if he could have, he would have by now. If you are still feeling hesitant and uncertain, I would trust that and go for help to sort this all out. Marriage is a huge step and you have to feel trust for your partner and feel that things are clear and open before you make a committment like that. You both also need tools for handling difficulties and re-building the trust that was shattered. It's much better to do this before the marriage and to be sure you are making a choice that is right and healthy for you.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 5:11pm

Is he not doing things to earn back your trust or are you just not ready to trust him yet? If counseling is really important to you to help you get past this than I would encourage you to keep after him about going.