Still in limbo???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Still in limbo???
15
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 8:42pm

My bf finally opened up and talked about our relationship, after his mom's death. He had put our relationship on a limbo status 2 days before New Years and his mom passed New Year's eve.

He said he still feels the same about me and loves me. He thinks about me every day, etc...He also said that he felt that he can't meet my expectations, and didn't want to hurt me... We talked for a long time, and I told him I'd done a 4th step and had realized my part which was being impatient with him.

He said that it would be a good idea for him to do a 4th step too. We parted kissing, but didn't mention, if/when we would talk or see each other.

It's been 2 days and I haven't heard from him. I see him online sometimes, but he is mostly mobile, and hasn't im'd me either.

I'm doing better as to not longing for him as bad as before. I'm also trying to take care of myself, but I've caught a cold and feel under the weather, which is making me not want to get out of bed and not wanting to talk to my friends...My throat hurts and I feel congested. So I've been very unproductive these last two days...

My "head" is telling me that I'm not taking care of myself and using my cold as an excuse... I have been doing what I can from home, but haven't had the energy or willingness to leave my apt...

Am I falling back into my love addiction? Also what could be going on with him that he hasn't contacted me? We have been in limbo for over a month now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 10:19pm

Blech...a

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 10:19pm

I think it's time you took the steps you need to move away from this relationship. It's not doing you any good right now, and above everything else, love is supposed to make you FEEL GOOD. If it's not doing that, then it's imperative that you take a look at why you're still here.

"He also said that he felt that he can't meet my expectations, and didn't want to hurt me"
You really have to listen to a man when he says this. It's a very common line for males to say, and it's one of the very few "typical guy lines" that are said purely out of brutal honesty.

Here's what he's trying to tell you: He can't meet your expectations. And he doesn't want to hurt you.

Take it at face value. He may care deeply for you but this is just not the right time for him. He will mourn his mother for many years to come, and it's been barely over a month. I remember when you first posted, 40 days later not much has really changed.

I don't think patience will do you much good. You want more, and he can't give you that. You shouldn't have to put your needs on hold for someone who is just not ready to be the right guy for you. He's telling you, in his own way, not to wait for him. I really think you should listen.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 12:15pm

I agree, it sounds to me like he's pretty much telling you to move on, that he's not capable of being in a relationship with you right now.


I wouldn't worry too much about the fact that you're allowing your cold to be an excuse--do what you need to get yourself well physically first.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 12:33pm

You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

When someone dies, it can have a tremendous effect on you. I think your BF is trying to cope with the death of his mother and is not in a place right now to have a relationship. Perhaps in time he will come back, but he needs to work on himself right now as do you.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 12:36am

I forgot to mention that he is the one who called me last week and asked me to dinner. That night he just talked about how much he misses me, and how he is thinking about me every day.I replied that I missed him too...

He also told me that "he's been leaving the door open for us to get back together, and that he didn't want to close the door..."

I can tell he is confused because he has so much going on right now...I really love him and I know he loves me too...I think he got scared because things were getting serious too fast...

I am taking care of myself..but I am having a hard time considering the relationship as over, and I'm not getting a clear answer from him... I can tell he doesn't want to close the door entirely.

I know I have to take care of myself and I am doing that....But I can't get him out of my mind...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 7:47am
Yeah he cares about you, and yes he's leaving the door open (whatever that entails) but he's also the one keeping you in limbo.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 1:18pm
I agree...So I guess I have to decide how long I'm going to keep hanging! It's not like anyone is knocking down my door...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 1:53pm

Welcome to the board sepideh2002,


Food for thought:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 2:06pm
Thanks for the advice. I guess my relationship can not be saved! :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 2:19pm

It's hard to save a relationship when one party is gone (physically, mentally or emotionally).

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