Still in limbo???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Still in limbo???
15
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 8:42pm

My bf finally opened up and talked about our relationship, after his mom's death. He had put our relationship on a limbo status 2 days before New Years and his mom passed New Year's eve.

He said he still feels the same about me and loves me. He thinks about me every day, etc...He also said that he felt that he can't meet my expectations, and didn't want to hurt me... We talked for a long time, and I told him I'd done a 4th step and had realized my part which was being impatient with him.

He said that it would be a good idea for him to do a 4th step too. We parted kissing, but didn't mention, if/when we would talk or see each other.

It's been 2 days and I haven't heard from him. I see him online sometimes, but he is mostly mobile, and hasn't im'd me either.

I'm doing better as to not longing for him as bad as before. I'm also trying to take care of myself, but I've caught a cold and feel under the weather, which is making me not want to get out of bed and not wanting to talk to my friends...My throat hurts and I feel congested. So I've been very unproductive these last two days...

My "head" is telling me that I'm not taking care of myself and using my cold as an excuse... I have been doing what I can from home, but haven't had the energy or willingness to leave my apt...

Am I falling back into my love addiction? Also what could be going on with him that he hasn't contacted me? We have been in limbo for over a month now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 3:53pm

I wouldn't say its over! He's just not in a place to be in a relationship right now. I've been in your situation and yes it can be resolved!

My suggestion is to go no contact as hard as it is. He's got you in the wings which is fine at the beginning for the emotional support after the death of his mother. Now though, for your own sanity you need to walk away and deal with everything. You are affected by the death and the termination of your relationship. I think you should seek couselling for yourself because an event like this can stay with you a long time. Your EX really needs to seek counselling too to deal with his mother's death. Perhaps in time you'll both be in a place where you can re-establish your relationship. I believe if you maintain contact now, you'll never move forward and the relationship will remain stagnant. You will probably develop feelings of anger and frustration as your EX waivers on how he feels. With no contact, it'll force him to think about the place you have in his life.

Therapy is also beneficial for you both, so that in the event you reconcile, you both know how to deal with another traumatic event without the fear of him walking away again.

Hope this makes sense.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 4:14pm

I don't think that's what Carrie is saying, exactly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 11:42am

So are you all saying that if he contacts me and wants to see me, I should say NO?

I am maintaining the "no contact". So far, during Jan. he's been the one maintaining contact. That's what he was saying last Sunday,he has done that on purpose to leave the door open.

However, he still "doesn't know" what to do!!! One of my friends thinks I should tell him to make up his mind or I'm moving on...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 12:19pm

Well, it depends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 2:51pm

"So are you all saying that if he contacts me and wants to see me, I should say NO?"

Yes, and NOT because he's a bad guy or because you don't deserve him or he doesn't like you or anything else... It's because this has affected you enough to write here twice for advice. It's clearly hurting you to be in this position.

"One of my friends thinks I should tell him to make up his mind or I'm moving on..."

I think you should move on anyway. Your friend thinks it's a good idea to serve an ultimatum to a guy who just lost his mother? GIVE ME A BREAK.

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