Still Living with Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Still Living with Ex
6
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 2:19pm
My ex fiancee and I split up about a month ago. I stayed with my mother for about a week and he had this grand idea to be "roommates" and for me to come back and use the spare bedroom. He is the one who ended the relationship after over 2 years. He said he is not in love with me anymore and that its really over this time. I sleep in the spare bedroom and have all my clothes there but we still have sex and do things together. we go out to dinner, to movies, to hang out with mutual friends. My girlfriend even commented that to the outside world, you would never know we were split up. I have a 5 yr old son who lives with his dad but did live with us in the beginning. My son has always referred to my ex as Daddy and last weekend, we went to a Texas Rangers game and everything was as it was before. When I told my ex that i was going to tell my son we were split up, he became very angry with me and said he didnt need to know. I'm so confused and miserable because he constantly tells me its over and that its "his" time and i just dont know what to believe. I try to have hope that things will work out because I am still in the home but everytime we argue, he throws in my face that its "his" home now, although everything we have i own. If i move out, he will have nothing and I partly wonder if thats the reason I'm here. I need some help.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 3:55pm
Well the reason you have all the stuff and he would have nothing might be a small part of it. But to me, I think he's just using you for sex and companionship minus the commitment and work. He has you just the way HE wants you, whenever he wants you yet he has it set up so he's still allowed to go play around and date other women too. And the best part is he can't get in trouble for it!!!! What more could someone ask for right? He actually has it made and you are totally enabling this. Now factor in your son and you've really got a situation. Don't fake a relationship for your son's sake. He will eventually know the truth and the longer you put it off the worse it's gonna sting. You need to be honest with your son but more importantly, be honest with yourself. I think you know you need to move on and leave that selfish arrogant jerk of an ex once and for all. If he will have nothing after you leave, well, that's his probem now isn't it?

Get out and find someone who deserves you and all you have to offer. Good luck to you!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 6:21pm
dump that loser . sounds like he isabutt hold
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:26pm
Thank you very much for your reply. Lord knows I greatly appreciate input from anyone who can shed some light on this situation. I can understand your point of view but I have to disagree with the fact that he is running around, dating other women. That's the weird part, he doesn't go out at all. Before we split, he would have "guys night out" and he would never take his cell with him. Since we split, he's gone out maybe three times with his buddies, he takes his phone and calls me periodically throughout the night and talks to me the whole way home. It's just very strange. We've spent alot of time together this last week due to an emergency situation. Our friend's 15 yr old daughter was sexually assulted by their apt maintenance man. These are friends I met through my ex because they are like family to him and people he used to live with at one point. Anyway, this last week he and I have bent over backwards to help out and I think its brought us closer. Tuesday night he told me to get my pillows and come to bed. Last night our friends showed up so we went to have drinks with them and during dinner he kept referring to me by my pet name and when we got home, nothing was said about going to bed so I just went to my room. he called me today from work and wanted to know why I didnt come to bed last night and was I not going to sleep in there anymore. I'm just very confused and don't know what to think about any of this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 4:40pm
Until his actions match his words and you take action to remove yourself from the situation - that means stop sleeping with him and being his 'date' with no strings attached there will continue to be confusion and trying to figure out the mixed signals.


Carrie

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 7:06pm

This is a disturbing, unhealthy situation. Get out of there as soon as you can. You are living in the middle of "mixed messages" and going along with it. If you are broken up, you are broken up. There is no reason at all why you should still be there, let alone going out with him, having sex, etc. You are giving him everything he wants and letting him throw you out at the same time. It's ridiculous. You will never be able to get closure and move on to build something healthy in your life this way. You cannot even face the truth of the situation while still lviing like this. Number one, get out. Number two, cut contact with him. Let him realize that what you have is over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 12:59am
Thank you for your advice. I think that's the hardest part for me is knowing deep down that I really do need to leave....yet not knowing how to leave. I want so much to hold onto hope that things will change and that he'll somehow miraculously realize that he still loves me and wants to be with me...but of course this is all seeming to be a figment of a wild imagination. I've made it very clear to him that sleeping in "our" bed with him is not an option because it obviously means so much more to me than to him and he's asked me twice this past week to sleep with him. And I did. But then I wonder if it was merely for his benefit so that HE could sleep better. Lately, we have been spending everyday together at our friend's house (due to an extremely upsetting situation for them) and last night, I left before everyone else and this morning, he was actually very upset with me because I told everyone else goodbye except him. I didn't quite understand this because we live together and I knew he would be coming home so I didn't see the reason for him to get upset just because I didn't say bye to him. It's little things like this that are so confusing to me and it's the mind games that I just CANNOT continue with. I really honestly never know from one day to the next what it's going to be like. I still love him very much and am IN love with him and my head screams at me to leave, just move out and move on but my heart won't let me go. The thought of not being with him and living with him, even as messed up as it is, hurts me more than anything. Even my divorce wasn't this traumatic to me.