Still reeling from affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Still reeling from affair
3
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:11pm

Last year my husband had an affair with a co-worker. She was around 10 years younger (20 vs. 30), has 2 kids under the age of 3, and was involved with my husband both at and outside of work for around 8 months. It took a while to get my husband to admit to the affair. He made up all kinds of excuses about just not believing in marriage anymore, wanting an open marriage, etc., when it just wound up he also wanted to be with HER.

Since then, I told him I would be willing to give the marriage another try if he got a new job (which he did), went to marriage and individual counseling (which we did) and worked on our marriage (which we have been). The problem is the affair still bothers me. Sometimes I still feel so paranoid that he's looking for someone else, or is having another affair. Other times I still am so angry about the affair and about having stayed in the marriage. He has been much better, but it is hard to talk about the affair with him, because it's like I'm dragging up all this horrible stuff from the past (the affair ended around 14 months ago.) I don't know what I need to do to get past this. I don't want this to haunt me for the rest of my life. I want to be able to relax into my marriage enough to feel comfortable making future plans without fearing that the floor might drop out on me again. Anyone know how long it takes to get over this sort of thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 2:18pm

I am sure it is hard to get over something like an affair. You mentioned individual counseling for your husband, but what about individual counseling for you? I think it would be worth giving it a try if you aren't already.


Hopefully, someone who has been through this can give you some better advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:03pm

Thank so much for being supportive!

I have done individual counseling, and it helped some, particularly when things were just unfolding. I just sometimes still have so much hurt and anger about everything...and fear. I want to believe that things are better, and move forward, but I thought things were ok before I found out about the affair, and it was such a shock. It is so hard to really trust again.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:08pm

Be patient, it can take a long while to repair a broken trust, especially when it went on for awhile. It's good that your husband is in personal and couple counselling. That shows you that he cares to work on the issues that created this situation. Everything takes time, counseling, re-building and especially the ability to trust the partner again. Trust comes as you see that he is now changed and trustworthy. It comes when the person has been truly accountable for his behavior, and also when you are both removing the causes the created the breach in the first place.


Now it is up to you also to work on forgiveness, both of him and yourself for being in this situation. Forgiveness is always powerful and cathartic. Sometimes we fear forgiving fully for we feel that if we do the person will just repeat the behavior. However, the opposite happens. When we forgive, we can become truly at peace, and our good will and warmth help build the relationship once again and prevent future damage.


Best wishes,