still shaking! just discovered cheater!
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still shaking! just discovered cheater!
| Sun, 01-25-2004 - 12:30am |
I am shaking so hard right now an I think I may puke...I was just on my husband's computer and I noticed that he's been frequenting adult sites. No big deal, I don't like it but I can accept it, but this was different. I noticed an adult dating service in his history so I checked it out. He's a MEMBER. His profile says that he's looking for erotic talk and CASUAL SEX! I'm so sick I'm so sick... I also checked a secret email account, (I found his ID and guessed the password untill I got it right), and he has a message that says "thanks for your response, we seem to have interests in common, lets see how serious you are about this". He's emailing someone about meeting. Now I don;t think he has cheated yet because the membership is only a few months old and he doesn't seem to be very active yet. HERES WHAT I AM CONSIDERING: Should I join this group, while checking up on his account, pose as someone he would like, I know his type, and try to convinve him to meet me? I don't want to confront him yet, I want to see how far it will go. PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO!

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i am very sorry for this - and as "exciting" as it may seem to you to try and "trap" him - it doesn't sound like a great idea. too much sneaking around and lying, if you ask me. what you need to do is print out what you found, decide what you can live with and what you can't live with - and then sit down and talk with him. be calm and assertive. if you are not sure what to say and how to not get side tracked with his twisting everything around - then get yourself to a therapist FIRST and work out how you will deal with this.
he may be fantasizing, he may not have ever taken it further than chats, but you do have a right to know what's going on. and after your talk , you should consider couple's counseling, it souns like you need it.
good luck and let us know what's going on
Forget about playing the "I'll sign on and see just how far he goes" game. Confront him with the facts (print out his profile) and demand that he either agrees to IMMEDIATELY removing all on-line profiles and goes to counciling with you NOW, or you walk out and take your kids with you (or kick him out, even better!). There is no alternative. Otherwise, you will live your life in an absolute hell of constant doubt and suspicion and he will continue to find ways to keep doing what he is doing, just trying to be smarter about it so you can't catch him. Been there, done that. As have many others on these boards.
I'm sorry you are going through this. At least I was not married to mine and we had no kids together. Doesn't matter, tho - in the long run, you can make it on your own if you need to, and he needs to STOP all of this immediately and work towards rebuilding your relationship or get out.
Hugs to you, please be strong and remember that you deserve better.
Been there, done that, too, and I agree wholeheartedly (thank *God* we weren't married yet, although we were discussing it).
To the OP:
Oh, I was hoping someone would respond to my last post...just knowing someone read it makes me feel less alone. Well, somehow I got through most of the day today. I still am shaking constantly, people keep asking if I am cold. It's hard to pretend that everything is normal with my WONDERFUL husband. He's a bit distant and I'm being TOO NICE to him. I feel like if I get a litle annoyed with him I will just start screaming and it will all come out. I prefer numb and fake much more right now. He wanted to stay a few hours late at the office tonight and I (sweetly) asked him if he could work at home after the kids go to bed instead so they would have a chance to see him. He gave in pretty easilly so my suspicions (that he was meeting someone), seemed to be unfounded. THIS TIME. So now, lucky me, I get to sit through dinner at the Outback Steakhouse tonight with my philandering, lying, pig of a husband and pretend to be fine. It's weird, part of me seems to want to be a wonderful wife so he will still love me and I can win him back. Is that normal? Also, I can't cry. All I do is shake, throw-up, and not eat.
BAD NEWS: He responded to the message my alter-ego sent and said he hadn't done this much so what was next. He also said that his sex life sucks and that his wife barely kisses him! Gee, I guess he must be forgetting what I did to his 'little friend' IN THE CAR a few weeks ago. Oh, and maybe it slipped his mind that I spent a few hours in positions I DO NOT ENJOY severl times in the last month. Arrggg! So Anyway, I responded that I was very interested and that because I was only in town for a few months I wanted to not just do phone/email sex but also the real thing. I asked if that was what he wanted. Then I mentioned that I was a little uncomfortable that he was married and was I his first one? I am hoping to get some info from that query. I know, Iknow, I am being very self-distructive about all this but I can't seem to help myself. Has anyone else done crazy things like this? If you've been in this situation I would love to hear how you handled it!
Thanks so much for listening!
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