still shaking! just discovered cheater!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
still shaking! just discovered cheater!
20
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 12:30am
I am shaking so hard right now an I think I may puke...I was just on my husband's computer and I noticed that he's been frequenting adult sites. No big deal, I don't like it but I can accept it, but this was different. I noticed an adult dating service in his history so I checked it out. He's a MEMBER. His profile says that he's looking for erotic talk and CASUAL SEX! I'm so sick I'm so sick... I also checked a secret email account, (I found his ID and guessed the password untill I got it right), and he has a message that says "thanks for your response, we seem to have interests in common, lets see how serious you are about this". He's emailing someone about meeting. Now I don;t think he has cheated yet because the membership is only a few months old and he doesn't seem to be very active yet. HERES WHAT I AM CONSIDERING: Should I join this group, while checking up on his account, pose as someone he would like, I know his type, and try to convinve him to meet me? I don't want to confront him yet, I want to see how far it will go. PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:05am
I would if I were you!!! Try to calm down, because you don't know exactly if anything has happened yet. And you don't know if he will actually go through with it either. But geez, I don't know how you can look at him/live with him!!! My heart goes out to you, but try not to freak out yet, maybe it's completely innocent!!! Good luck honey!!! Maybe he's just fantasizing!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:31am
Thank you for responding so quickly! I don't know how I can live with him/face him either but I just know I HAVE TO. I don't want to give him an inkling that I know because I don't want hom to be able to cover it up. I absolutely must find out the truth. At this point he can explain it away and apologize but I'll never know what his intentions were. I just can't beleive it yet...I can't believe he would do this to me. I know I am not as cute as I was when we first got married, we have two kids and I've gained weight with the pregnancies that I haven't been able to get off comletely. Our sex life isn't fabulous but we still do it and I try to be inventive and do the things he likes even when I'm not having much fun. He has everything to lose! He has a high profile job that could be destroyed if this got out. I have supported his career WAY more than most people would. We have two wonderful young kids. A great, if not red hot & sexy, future together. I just can't beleive it... How am I going to get through this? How am I going to keep from scratching his eyes out? Why are men so f***ing stupid? I'm so sick...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:50am
I think you should do what you first had in mind! Dont confront him because he will cover it up, trust me I KNOW! Join and try to convince him to meet you and really see how far he will go! I know how you feel and I really wish you luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:54am

i am very sorry for this - and as "exciting" as it may seem to you to try and "trap" him - it doesn't sound like a great idea. too much sneaking around and lying, if you ask me. what you need to do is print out what you found, decide what you can live with and what you can't live with - and then sit down and talk with him. be calm and assertive. if you are not sure what to say and how to not get side tracked with his twisting everything around - then get yourself to a therapist FIRST and work out how you will deal with this.


he may be fantasizing, he may not have ever taken it further than chats, but you do have a right to know what's going on. and after your talk , you should consider couple's counseling, it souns like you need it.


good luck and let us know what's going on

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:58am
Thanks for your advice. The next few days should be interesting, oh god, I'm so sick. I'll keep you all posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 2:21am
Does it actually matter whether or not he has stuck his penis in another woman yet? The fact is, he has broken the trust you two vowed when you got married and you have been betrayed. No amount of wishful thinking or making of excuses for him will change that fact, and you know it. Would this be perfectly ok with you if he continued this behaviour but never actually had physical sexual relations with someone else? NO, it would not, so why bother with all the game playing?

Forget about playing the "I'll sign on and see just how far he goes" game. Confront him with the facts (print out his profile) and demand that he either agrees to IMMEDIATELY removing all on-line profiles and goes to counciling with you NOW, or you walk out and take your kids with you (or kick him out, even better!). There is no alternative. Otherwise, you will live your life in an absolute hell of constant doubt and suspicion and he will continue to find ways to keep doing what he is doing, just trying to be smarter about it so you can't catch him. Been there, done that. As have many others on these boards.

I'm sorry you are going through this. At least I was not married to mine and we had no kids together. Doesn't matter, tho - in the long run, you can make it on your own if you need to, and he needs to STOP all of this immediately and work towards rebuilding your relationship or get out.

Hugs to you, please be strong and remember that you deserve better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 7:16am
I have to agree with ggloriaca. I know some sites make you create a profile just to look, and by creating a profile you will start getting emails. And I think men don't really think through how their actions affect us. He might know he's not going to cheat and therefore think what he is doing is OK. He needs to be told that it is NOT ok, looking at pictures is one thing but actually "talking" to another woman in a sexual manner is not, no matter his intentions. Be prepared to hear "why don't you trust me?" but keep in mind that if you could trust him you wouldn't have found anything.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 11:34am

Been there, done that, too, and I agree wholeheartedly (thank *God* we weren't married yet, although we were discussing it).


To the OP:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 4:05pm
My gosh, you guys are so great! I just read all your supportive emails and I want to thank you. As it happens, I didn't read them BEFORE I went ahead with my plans about joining the group, being someone he would like, and attempting to make casual contact. I am not sure if they would have changed my mind but it's making me think now. Maybe I can let it go a little further because I don't actually have proof that he has been chatting and planning to meet someone yet. I'd like a little more to print out for the confrontation. I have been shaking and sick, (I puked once last night), for 17 hours. The other thing, and I know most of you wont like it, (cringe), I also ordered a computer tracker so I can download it and keep up with everything he does on his computer. Yes, I know, very sneaky. It's just that I want to know everything. I checked a few sites that I jotted down from his history list and it seems he is a member of other sites. He may take the bait with me but how would I know if he does with others too? I am in DEEP! The other thing that I didn't get into last night was that, years ago, before we were married, I found out he was calling phone sex lines. I was suspicious and got a copy of our old bills from the phone company and he was calling late at night, a few time a month. He always hung up within the first two minutes. I confronted him, (screaming), and he said hw did it because it was 'forbidden' and he liked feeling that he was doing something bad. It took a while for me to forgive him/trust him. We had couples theraphy for a bit. We eliminated the option for 900 calls from our phone and I got over it. So, what he is doing now is like a pattern for him and I don't want to have only a vague idea about what he is doing. If I confront him now and threaten and even kick him out for a while, it will be like before. I guess I want him to go a little farther so that it WILL be more serious this time so that I can take it to the next level. I want to be in couples theraphy with him where he will have to admit the seriousness of what he is doing and not have the therapist talk about it like it is harmless fantacy. I want to NAIL HIM so that I wont be seen as a over-reacting jelous spouse and he has the out that it was only harmless fun. Oh God. I am so sick about this. I can't beleive he is doing this to me, our two little boys, our life, our future. What is wrong with him!?! Please respond to this, you guys are the only ones I have told and your my only chance of keeping my grip on reality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:29pm


Oh, I was hoping someone would respond to my last post...just knowing someone read it makes me feel less alone. Well, somehow I got through most of the day today. I still am shaking constantly, people keep asking if I am cold. It's hard to pretend that everything is normal with my WONDERFUL husband. He's a bit distant and I'm being TOO NICE to him. I feel like if I get a litle annoyed with him I will just start screaming and it will all come out. I prefer numb and fake much more right now. He wanted to stay a few hours late at the office tonight and I (sweetly) asked him if he could work at home after the kids go to bed instead so they would have a chance to see him. He gave in pretty easilly so my suspicions (that he was meeting someone), seemed to be unfounded. THIS TIME. So now, lucky me, I get to sit through dinner at the Outback Steakhouse tonight with my philandering, lying, pig of a husband and pretend to be fine. It's weird, part of me seems to want to be a wonderful wife so he will still love me and I can win him back. Is that normal? Also, I can't cry. All I do is shake, throw-up, and not eat.

BAD NEWS: He responded to the message my alter-ego sent and said he hadn't done this much so what was next. He also said that his sex life sucks and that his wife barely kisses him! Gee, I guess he must be forgetting what I did to his 'little friend' IN THE CAR a few weeks ago. Oh, and maybe it slipped his mind that I spent a few hours in positions I DO NOT ENJOY severl times in the last month. Arrggg! So Anyway, I responded that I was very interested and that because I was only in town for a few months I wanted to not just do phone/email sex but also the real thing. I asked if that was what he wanted. Then I mentioned that I was a little uncomfortable that he was married and was I his first one? I am hoping to get some info from that query. I know, Iknow, I am being very self-distructive about all this but I can't seem to help myself. Has anyone else done crazy things like this? If you've been in this situation I would love to hear how you handled it!

Thanks so much for listening!

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