still shaking! just discovered cheater!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
still shaking! just discovered cheater!
20
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 12:30am
I am shaking so hard right now an I think I may puke...I was just on my husband's computer and I noticed that he's been frequenting adult sites. No big deal, I don't like it but I can accept it, but this was different. I noticed an adult dating service in his history so I checked it out. He's a MEMBER. His profile says that he's looking for erotic talk and CASUAL SEX! I'm so sick I'm so sick... I also checked a secret email account, (I found his ID and guessed the password untill I got it right), and he has a message that says "thanks for your response, we seem to have interests in common, lets see how serious you are about this". He's emailing someone about meeting. Now I don;t think he has cheated yet because the membership is only a few months old and he doesn't seem to be very active yet. HERES WHAT I AM CONSIDERING: Should I join this group, while checking up on his account, pose as someone he would like, I know his type, and try to convinve him to meet me? I don't want to confront him yet, I want to see how far it will go. PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 5:05pm
I think getting spyware for your computer is a good idea. Also, print out everything you found to date and keep it in a save place, as he may at some point decide to clean up after himself.

Since you want to go to couple's counseling with him, consider approaching him about it while you are still contacting him through the site....like I'd like to feel closer to you and I feel things are off, would you be willing to go to counseling with me again? At least you will know what he's thinking.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 5:15pm
I have been reading your story, so you are being heard. I feel for you - I'm not really sure what to say, having never been in your situation, but what you are doing IS destructive. And you can stop it now.

Why don't you tell him that you were the one who sent the email - or better, why don't you respond to his e-mail by telling him that it was you. But get it out in the open - you guys have some fairly major s**t to deal with, and if he's corresponding with women in a sexual way whether he intends to have sex with them or not is irrelevant, you have a problem and there is no way at this juncture that he can claim it was just for fun - he's crossed the line - and any therapist will tell him that. At this point you have a right to demand it, and given what he's done, he wouldn't be worth the bother if he didn't agree to it immediately.

It's worth looking at the fact that when you talk about your sexual experiences with him, you seem to be having sex or giving him oral purely to satisfy him, you don't appear to enjoy it at all and that's not good for you, or for him. It could be that he senses in that in some way (not that it makes what he's doing right, by ANY means) but as a side issue, that's something that might be worth discussing when you do go to couples therapy sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience and if it isn't, it's worth exploring why and working on whatever issues are at play.

Look, he probably hasn't 'done' anything yet - why let this sink further and deeper into a pit of destruction that you are just going to crawl out of - begin climbing out of the hole now, rather than dig it any deeper.

Talk to him - and then find a therapist, fast.

I wish you well.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 5:20pm
I just read your post in my desparate search for advice on how to handle my own situation. I can hardly believe the similarities between our stories! Just this morning I went to read my own email but realized my boyfriend of 10+ years whom I live with was still logged on. I found a similar email for membership to "adultfriendfinders" I too found that he had a profile that read that he was looking for one on one "wet and wild sex" The "good news"....he's not looking for a relationship. I am so upset, I am having a hard time typing right now. I knew that he looked at porn sites and I have never had a problem with him looking but this is way different!!! I dont know what to do either. The best part of my whole story is its my birthday! Happy birthday to me.

I looked through his profile. He signed up for it almost 3 years ago and it doesnt seem that it has been active recently. I looked through all his emails and I didnt find anything else leading me to believe that he has persued any kind of relationship. I am so sick about this.

I dont know what to do. I love him. If I confront him and nothing ever came of it then i may be risking our relationship over something that was really nothing. BUT...he did fill out the profile ( and included a picture! ) so he had the intent!

I almost wish that I never found it. Ignorance is bliss!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 1:35am

Just wanted to see how you're doing today...I think you're going down a dark path by corresponding with him, but I understand the compulsion to do so.

Avatar for misskitten1979
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 11:36am
i just wanted to see how you are doing... i tried to send you an email last night because im going through the exact same thing (for some reason i dont think my post came up here)

*hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 12:51pm
I just finished walking my best friend through the exact same sh*t. I don't know what's wrong with these men. They are obviously sick and can't control themselves sexually, like animals.

Anyway. The best thing we thought to do was to get online, and confront him that way...like you planned. It backfired for us...she's still with him, and is now feeling totally guilty about sinking to his lying-ass level. I'm forced to hang around this piece of crap after he hurt her so badly, and knowing he's leaving tongue-marks on the computer screen every night (sicko!!!).

By the way, he started doing this online stuff and phone stuff after he had intercourse outside the marriage. Get yourself tested for STD's, pick your pride up off the floor, and kick his ass out the door before you end up with HIV, or before you lose your mind and keep finding out more and more crap, and before your little boys learn how to behave like animals from their Daddy, rather than like little perverted animals that have no control over their actions.

Good Luck...and Keep your chin up!!!

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 9:13am
so whats been happening?? and new info? what did he reply to your last email to him??

Goodluck

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:49am

Right now you are in shock, and understandably so. This discovery is startling and also very painful to you. You really do not need to go further in your exploration of the situation. The fact that is emailing others, requesting meetings is quite enough. First try to calm down a bit. You need to decide how you want to handle this. Clearly, he has to be told that you know what's going on, but first you need time to sort this out and decide what to do. It would be a good idea for the two of you to get a couple's therapist to help with this. There has been dishonesty here, and perhaps there are other issues going on in his life that need to be worked on. Obviously, there are issues in the marriage that must be brought into the open.


Rather than get caught up in trying to trap him further - realize that you now already know all you need to know. Take time to calm down. It's best to handle this when you are not so emotional - so that you can deal with it in a way that has constructive consequenecs and not get into a yelling, blaming match that could just hurt further. Take charge of the situation by making up your mind about the outcome you want. Then when you feel steady enough, communicate it to him. If you need some help of your own in this process, deciding what to do, do not hesitate to get it.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:52am
Don't do anything reckless.

Think seriously. Is cheating a deal breaker for you? If it is, start printing his e-mails, profile, etc (do it from another computer, so he won't find out). Start getting records, then get in touch with an attorney to get a divorce. Don't do womething you may regret just to get your revenge. The best revenge is for you to move on and leave him to his shallow life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:38pm
Hi, I feel your pain. I am going through a very similar situation right now. About a month ago, I found out that my husband has subscribed to just about every online dating site there is. He isn't active on most of them, but I did find out also that he was talking to a girl he met online. We are both almost 30, and this girl is 18, married and pregnant by her husband. Well, to make a long story short, I found out that he has been calling her daily and that he is planning to leave me for her in the middle of feb. He has done nothing but lie to me. I haven't said anyhting about him planning to leave. I act like I don't know. But I have copies of conversations, phone bills, everything. I'm in the military, so it is better for me to let him abandon me than to kick him out. I'm just letting him leave, and then I will take everything I have to a lawyer. It breaks my heart that things have gotten to this point, but I'm better off without him, so I'm letting him go.

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