Straw that is breaking the camel's back
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| Tue, 03-25-2008 - 12:25am |
I'm going to apologize in advance to what will likely end up being a long post. I keep having to edit it to take out portions, because I'm trying to focus on the current issues; there is a pretty long line of past issues as well, though.
I have been married to a genuinely good man for 9 years, and we have three children together - ages 7, 4, and 3 months. I also have a 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage. Unfortunately, though, our marriage is getting worse and worse, and I am getting so consumed with anger that I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm wondering, seriously for the first time, whether I should leave my husband.
To cut to the chase, my husband doesn't desire me anymore. I don't mean he won't have sex with me; I mean he CAN'T have sex with me if he can see my face. Seriously. We can be going at it (with him always behind me), but if I look at him, he loses his erection, and nothing I can do will help.
The problem began sporadically a few months before I got pregnant with my (now) three month old, but it's gotten to the point that we have successfully - if you can call it that - had sex about 3 times in the last year and a half. (Rather ironic that one of those times, my youngest daughter was conceived.) I'm not unattractive, and even though it's only been three months since giving birth, I'm wearing a size 8. I take care of myself. I have tried and tried to be thoughtful and considerate and helpful regarding this issue, but at this point, I'm just getting REALLY angry. I keep thinking really awful, destructive thoughts, like, "What?? You think I'm disgusting?? Do you have any IDEA how fast I could 'get it' somewhere else, with someone who'd actually LIKE being with me?" It's not a physical issue for him - he's healthy and can get and maintain an erection, just as long as I don't look at him. It really IS me, and this is really, absolutely, positively HUMILIATING. (In all fairness, though, I'm sure it is for him too.)
The fact that we're having other problems in the relationship isn't helping. (But we never fight - oh, no! I get angry and he becomes silent for a week or two at a time, until I feel like such a piece of dog feces that I apologize and/or cave in, even when I don't feel that I was wrong, just to feel some crumb of affection or normalcy.)
I've just about had it, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I want to make this work, because of our kids (he is from another country, and came to the US just because I begged him to - we'd been living in his country - so if we got divorced, it's likely he would move back to the other side of the world...NOT good for the kids).
He won't go to a counselor. He won't talk to me, about this or about any other problem. It's far better, apparently, in his mind, to either be silent and hateful or to pretend everything is coming up roses.
What do I do? Is leaving the only option at this point?
Thanks in advance for your comments.

Welcome to the board enoughenuff,
Wow. I am sorry you are having to go through this. If he isn't willing to go to counseling or even talk to you about this issue, there is no possible way that it can be resolved. I am assuming you have tried to talk to him about what is causing this. You could go to counseling by yourself to help you work through what this is doing to you and your self esteem.
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******************************************* “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over againWelcome to the board enoughenuff,
It started just before this last pregnancy?