Stress & Relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Stress & Relationships
3
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 4:40pm
I've been pretty stressed out lately. Grad school applications & interviews, civic responsibilities, forming the first domestic violence center in our county, organizing a free concert in my town, organizing a humane society benefit, teaching pilates classes 2 times a week, ALL on top of a full time job! This is more than enough for one person to handle, but to make matters worse, my boyfriend of 4 months lives 2 1/2 hours away. Last week was the WORST! I had every meeting you could think of, an absent aerobics instructor, a grad school interview, AND a TV appearance! I had every minute of spare time scheduled!

For the past several weekends, due to circumstances, I've had to make the trip up to the boyfriend's place just to see him (by the way, this is the guy I've known for 6 years prior). The problem is that he gets all "hurt" and actually has PANIC ATTACKS not all because of me, but mostly- yeah) because I get annoyed with him. I've tried explaining that I'm super-stressed lately w/ everything going on all at once, and he understands, but I still feel his expectations weighing me down. This is an awful way to feel, because he's SUCH an awesome guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him: he's adorable, funny, smart, great education/job, friends. I just keep getting ticked off at him!

I'm not sure if it's ME & MY STRESS or if it's because he really does get on my nerves! There are a few things that grate my nerves the most: #1. sometimes he just doesn't pay attention AT ALL. He cuts people off, talks over them, anything just to be heard... saying nothing at all. This doesn't happen often, but he still does it. He'll butt into a conversation just to say something completely unrelated, or worse off, completely stupid. When everyone stops and looks at him like he's crazy, he #2. WILL NEVER ADMIT THAT HE WAS WRONG. This is so annoying and a personal soapbox/pet peeve. #3. He sometimes refuses to do things I want to do simply b/c he's being stubborn. He won't be social sometimes (especially w/ one group of mutual friends), and just Sunday he changed his mind about going out to eat w/ me before I had to drive 2 1/2 hours home b/c I didn't want to have sex (he didn't say that was why, but it was rather obvious)! We had gone to the mountains all weekend with his parents... a 2 hr drive there and back, I was NOT interested in sex... only food... sorry.

This is on top of the fact that I'm weary about his prescription for Paxil (or something) for his panic attacks. He's been on it for almost a year. I just don't know at all what to think about that. Argh. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like I have to mommy him all the time (his mom treats the 25 year old man like he is 5!!! Yikes!!!). Tired of feeling like everything is on my shoulders. Tired of this sneaking suspicion that he's trying to mold me into some pre-conceived notion of "girlfriend". And I'm tired of feeling like there's no one there to take care of me the way I'm expected to take care of him. I've got so many commitments, and each one seems to want to push itself to the top of the list. First off, I'll be letting my boyfriend know that a weekend on my own is much needed, but after that, I don't know how to remedy this. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I've got to take care of myself. I see that this is an issue of "prioritizing," but my problem is really stemming from him. If I could just NOT be so annoyed all the time by him, things would be ok... I'm afraid I might be messing up a good thing simply because I happened to overextend myself one month... I'm also afraid that it's not me, it's us- as in: we aren't compatible. Any comments?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 6:44pm
::::::::::::::HUGS::::::::::::::::

Well, Pilates I wanted to say that since u've already read my post you can see that we are both in same boat as for stress and my BF can be highly annoying, irritating and stresses me out, like you read. I think that you should take some of your own advice that you gave me ( thank u btw ) You seem to be very smart and incontrol of your emotions and self most of the time, I understand that you have many extra activities and such that you participate and organize which is probably bogging you down so that you don't have any alone time, NOT just alone time with you BF but you alone!! That's what i need too. Just time to be alone, straighten out ur thoughts, your priorities, your goals, and such also, just take a long bath and soak, relax try not to worry about ur probs just relax. That's what i used to do for myself when i was stressed.. But can no longer b/c haven't my own place.. that's beside the point..

I think that you have a lot on your plate and you are also dealing with a BF that has his own issues. ( as does mine, once again i can relate!!) I understand from what you said you feel that it is all stemming from him. Can you sit down with him and talk about these situations? Does he mind taking a little constructive critism? Or does he get all defensive and have a panic attack? B/c considering you say that is a real issue with him especially if his is on meds for it.. i think maybe try to have a more calm approach taking yours and his feelings and possible reactions into consideration in the planning of a decent and important talk between you two.

Is it just this month that you have taken on all of these tasks?? Or is your schedule usually this enormous?? Maybe once these other things are done w/ or however it works where you have more alone time take some time and write down what is truly important to you. Is your pilates class more important than spending time with your BF or maybe spending time with your BF is more important that organizing all these events in your community. I'm not sure what your priorities are but I do know that it is something you are worried about and that's why you posted it here, that's the best step to geting decent advice..

Just think it through and see if you BF will take time and you can both figure out what is best for you both individually and as a couple.. As for that issue on him gettin upset about you not wanting to have sex and canceling that dinner .. a lot of guys get mad and i've had to deal with that too.. Just brush it off.. b/c he needs to be a little more understanding..

I know i'm someone who needs similar advice myself.. and i should listen to my own advice, but with my guy it doesn't always work out as planned.. I've tried so many things.. but failed.. I hope this works for you or however you do decide to approach this situation. Good luck!! take care!!

Sincerely ~ xoxocasexoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 8:42am
If I prioritized and focused on someone's Mr. Right on Paper characteristics as you seemed to do - "any girl would be lucky to have him" - then I would have been married at least once probably twice - you do need to focus on compatibility and whether you have respect for this person and whether he inspires you. It sounds like you find him too needy and think he's a mama's boy. It also sounds like you feel you can tell him bluntly that you need a weekend on your own and he will take it from you without any opposition - not that I think people shouldn't give each other space - I think they should - but the fact that you think you can just tell him bluntly without any need to reassure him that it's just you, etc and you assume he will be waiting for you patiently - that says a lot. If I needed space - and I have - if I really cared for the person and saw a future I would want to make absolutely sure the person understood why I needed space. Sounds like more of a power play right now than a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 12:52pm

You are spreading yourself way to thin and as a result, your relationships are being affected.Quite honestly, Im sure this isnt the only one, just the one that sits at the front of your mind and tugs at your heart.


As are you, I to am sure that it just isnt stress but maybe a few imperfections on his behalf also...but you have to accept people for who they are as a whole- good AND