Stressed out and feeling like his Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Stressed out and feeling like his Mom
5
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 8:30pm

I've been happily married for two years and I'm starting to feel the stress of taking care of myself and my DH. What triggered my realization last night was when he and I were talking casually about changes we've been feeling and future goals. It seemed a time of reflection so I brought up the fact that I do the lion's share of the housework. I remember that I calmly laid down my feelings about wanting him to pick up more responsibility (it's a convo we've had MANY times in the past but usually with tears and stress). This time I wanted to handle it with more maturity.

Despite that I didn't actually show any of my emotional frustration, I couldn't believe the reaction I got: shutdown and silence for the rest of the evening. He stormed around the house doing dishes and then pouted in silence until bedtime. When I asked him what was wrong he said my "lecture" ruined his night. I know that communication is key to getting him to help around the house, but this communication didn't even transmit.

I take care of everything related to the real world in our household: bills, shopping lists, laundry, travel, work and boss issues (we work together), and money. In the past I've tried laying off being in charge of everything and I'd clearly tell him that he must take responsibility for one or more of the categories...but simply put, it never gets done. Not even the bills get paid.

Last night I calmly asked him if he'd like to feel more aware of the world around him. I said I could help him do focus exercises and to help him manage his time better. He replied by saying that all he wants to do is work on his portfolio (he has his own website that he escapes to every single day) to get a good job later on.

I feel like I've matured at a faster rate than DH. We've been together for 5 years and I always knew he was like this but now I feel like I've been waiting for him to grow up. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't even turn me on because I feel like his mom; we rarely have sex.

I've been trying all kinds of things: talking to him about my feelings, backing off from being in charge all the time, asking him to do chores, but he is unwilling to take any full-time responsibility. Is it my attitude that has to change? Do I just have to wait it out? Will he ever grow up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 12:01pm

Welcome to the board jujubetea,


How old are the two of you?


There are lots of women that post about not being able to get their husband's to help out with the households chores. I think this is battle that women will always face. So you are not alone in this.


Since your talking to him doesn't seem to work, you might want to try writing him a letter to let him know how all of this is affecting you. Maybe you could make out some sort of schedule. Like he does certain chores on Mon, Weds, Fri or you rotate months or something.


Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 8:39pm

We're in our mid-twenties. A letter is a good idea. I am better at writing my feelings than talking about them.

We have tried creating a chore list but that was even worse - he forgot it existed, but I had to stare at it every day!

As an update, the next day DH was acting a little more maturely. I think he was surprised at the way I was handling our little "argument;" I had decided to just let it go and not bring it up again. So last night he did his own laundry and even hung it up without being asked. I guess since I was acting like an adult, he felt a little bad and started acting like one too. I think I'll ride it out and not mention any chores...he may feel more grown-up if I don't pick at him about it. Here's hoping!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:12am
I can't believe it my Hubby and I had the EXACT dissucussion last night. I am a teacher so I get the "summers off". That is what the world thinks,really I am at workshops and up at school getting ready for next year crop of kids, I just get to work at my own pace. This being the case hubby thinks I lay around tanning, eatting, working out. Which in come cases is true, however this does not mean it is a time for him to forget how to live like a human and just toss stuff around waiting for mommy to pick up after him. I told him "i am not your mother" to be honest I don't even like his mother. He was amazed. During summer I gather all the trashes, do the dishes, do the lanudry, iron his shirts and pants, cook dinner, mop, clean you know the story. During the school year we have cleaning ladies that we both pay for. I don't mind doing MY share but the fact that he seems to think that I AM SUPPOSE TO PICK UP AFTER HIM upsets me. So I did the laundry again and I left his in the basket unfolded, unironed. It is still there from two weeks ago. I don't care anymore, his drill, tape measure, and other tools are all over the house, including all the dishes his seems to think he needs. Come on who eats potato chips of a china dish?! Someone that never had to pick up or wash a dish I'm guessing!!! When I mentioned to his mother that he doesn't want to iron his work clothes her respone was "NO baby don't iron, too hot for baby" WHAT!!! So I will fight the fight and refuse to clean ,iron and so on and let him deal with the cleaning bill come August--hang in there
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:16am

'So last night he did his own laundry and even hung it up without being asked.'

Did you give him positive reinforcement for it? Seriously, sometimes men need to be treated like children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:01pm

Hi, yes, he did hang up his own laundry...but I said nothing about it. I feel like if I "reward" him for it it will make him feel childish and at the moment it seems like he is trying to grow up a little bit. He may resent it if I treat him like a child. I'm trying to be respectful and adult about it (a new approach for me, I must admit). Seriously though, this laundry thing is a BIG step for him, if you can believe it!!

I can't test his new-found sense of responsibility yet because he is away over the weekend for a seminar. I'm looking around the house at the mess I have to clean up but since I'm here on my own with little to do it looks like it's my burden to shoulder. In the coming week we'll see if he picks up his stuff...and takes DOWN his laundry.

Sweetpeaserrano, I think so many women can relate to your situation. My DH had a school job once and during the summer all he did was watch TV. This was before we were married, and I tried to "train" him into picking up after himself. It went from worse to bad, I guess, since I'm still having the same problem.

But I definitely went about it all wrong, with the fights and the housework boycotts. He never noticed if I cleaned or not. My DH's mom is super-sweet and caring, but yes, to the point where DH never had to clean up. My own mom is like that with my brother. So far all I can tell you is use calm communication and don't treat him like a child because he'll act like one. Maybe one day you'll get through. Good luck!