Strip Clubs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Strip Clubs?
7
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:53am
OK Here is my background. I am 24yrs old and recently divorced after 5yr marriage. My Ex was an alcoholic, abusive and he cheated. Now flash forward to now and I have met an awesome guy. Wonderful, everything I could ever ask for and more. But last night we got into a discussion about Strip Clubs. I completely disagree with him going to one, and he even told me he has had several lap dances. For some reason this has totally upset me. He has lots of single friends and for every bachelor party the all head out to a strip club. Basically last night he said he still plans on going, and he knows this upsets me, but he has no plans of changing. He only goes for bachelor parties, but to me just once is more than enough! It makes me soo insecure to be intimate with him, just knowing he has paid for a naked woman to dance for him. I think I am cute, but i have insecurities about my small breasts, and he knows this. I also think that I may be over reacting because of my ex cheating on me. Am I overreacting? Should he go, and am I to be ok with it? Please help!! Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: rlw1121
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:57am
Well, I think it depends on how much you trust him. If you know it's not going to go any further then you shouldn't worry too much. I think that it may have to do with the fact you just came out of a bad relationship and you are insecure. However, if he truley gives you reasons to think it's more to him than just a bunch of guys hanging out having fun then give him an ultimatium. This is something he has done for a while (seems as though nothing ever came out of them either). And he HAS been honest with you about them and does discuss it openly with you, try not to read into it too much and remember YOUR the one he's with, not them. Your the one he thinks about when someone is asking him about his love life, not them. I bet he goes to the strip clubs more for the guys and to show support for his soon-to-be non-bachelor friend than for the girls. Remember when he pays for lap dances that they have NOTHING to do with you. It's not because he's not happy with you, if he wasn't happy with you and the way you look he wouldn't be with you. If they all chose to go bowling or to play putt-putt you probably wouldn't have a problem with it although it'd still be the guys hanging out. There's nothing wrong with letting him know how you feel, just don't let it control your lives. Let him know you don't like him going (or if you don't mind him going-at least that you don't like him getting lap dances) and let him know why and let him know that your trusting it not to go any further. It sounds as though this is something he'll do for a while so if you really don't like it and know that you can't be with a person who does this without putting your own feelings and emotions last then you might want to rethink if this is the person your meant to be with. I wish you the best of luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: rlw1121
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:57am

I know what you are talking about when you say how it makes you feel about him going...even it is for bachelor parties...take it from someone who is getting married very soon and who's fiance will be and has gone to many a strip club..there not as bad as you think.I used to be very against them, and still arent the biggest fan of them, but i trust my SO.Your trust needs to be stronger than your insecurites to get past this...


Have you thought about seeking counseling for your past?This might help you in the future..just something to think about...


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: rlw1121
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:04pm
So basically you two have different values and beliefs of what is acceptable and what isn't acceptable.

My boyfriend and I talked about this when we first got together.... he knew a guy that got a divorce because he was always going for lap dances and charged a ton a money in one night at a place - I'm talking upwards of $600 - $1000 dollars. Anyway, my boyfriend had been to clubs in the past or bachalor parties that included entertainment - he said that he can't understand why men pay for this stuff and said that it's false intimacy and his personal opinion is that men that have intimacy issues partake. I am grateful that he and his friends have outgrown (grew up, matured, whatever) and don't feel the need to go to these kind of places and I'm glad he doesn't want to.

We agreed when we first got together that neither of us would find it acceptable for the other to get a lap dance and/or frequent these places. But the key is that we agree on this no matter if we are right or wrong in the eyes of other people.

You have to decide what you can live with and what you can't live with.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: rlw1121
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:20pm
WOW, this is all too deja vu. I am experiencing the same dilemma at the moment. My b/f is going to Vegas and you KNOW what that means? Well anyway, enough about me and mine. I do not think that just going to go is bad, as I have been to plenty myself. I just dont like the private dance issue. Perhaps you would feel better if he just did not get lap dances? I know I would feel better. To look is natural but to get up close and personal, that is the problem. So maybe if you could work on reaching an agreement. No private dances in exchange for you feeling ok about him going?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: rlw1121
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:28pm
I know how men can be and I know there are women out there that tolerate this sort of thing. I am not one of those women. When I met my husband, on our first date, that was one of the first things I brought up. I told him I wouldn't date him if he frequented strip clubs.

Even my ex (of 5 years) never went to those things and he knew too, that I wasn't having that. One night, my ex and I were with a group of friends having a barbeque, (couples, husbands and wives) and afterwards the husbands were dying to leave the wives and go to the strip club. And all the wives seemed to be okay with it! I was stunned. I told my ex, there was no way in hell he was ever going to go. And he didn't much want to either. I know if I openly told my husband or my ex that I wanted to go to a male review they would $hit their pants. LOL.

Tell him, kewl if you want to go out with your friends and pay for lap dances. That is when you go out with your girlfriends and ditch him. Maybe you ought to try some of that reverse psychology. I am not the type that would sit around and stand for that, I would be going out enjoying myself and go party with some dudes. LOL! Heck, you and your girlfriends get some hot dudes from the club and come back to your place and party down. See how he likes that for a change. If he sees something at stake , he might change his mind about it. LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
In reply to: rlw1121
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:23pm
Deal-breaker-big time!! No way would I let my guy pay some slut to bounce her naked a$$ all over his crotch. That's what a lapdance is. Simulated sex. If you dont like it, but he won't stop it, then tell him it's a dealbreaker!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: rlw1121
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:34am
I am in a similar situation; ex cheated, and its taken a while to trust my SO now. But he's such a good guy, and when I've told him how I feel about private strippers and lap dances, he agreed that my happiness was most important so he wouldn't do any of that. If your SO loves you and wants to make you happy he'll abstain from the lap dances. Going to the strip club with his buddies isn't something I find too terrible, if you trust him. My guy has been a couple times, but it was to spend time with his buddies, and probably to look at girls, I have actually gone 2 of the 3 times he's gone and I just drink and chit chat so that it isn't something exciting and forbidden to do without me. I wouldn't be comfortable with his attitude about not listening to how it makes me feel though. I don't think its unfair he go out with his friends there, but it is unfair to you that he get lap dances and letting another woman touch him - he should respect that.

 

Tiffany