Strip clubs, etc..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2008
Strip clubs, etc..
4
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 10:00am

I need someone to tell me I'm overreacting.

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 months. We are very much in love. Right now he is in California for 11 days with some friends... mostly guys. He wanted me to go but I couldn't take the time off from work.

We usually talk everyday, usually twice a day. I see him almost every day as well. If we don't have plans to do something, I'll usually at least sleep over so we can be together. He works A LOT and he really deserves this vacation so I was very happy for him that he was able to go. We talked about "communication" before he left and I knew we wouldn't be able to talk on the phone as much as I'm used to while he's gone, mainly because he's going to some pretty remote places where his cell phone won't work (Mexico for a few days.) So I was prepared for less than our normal phone calls/texts. But it's harder than I thought it would be to have him gone for so long. We're on day 5 and I feel like he's been gone for months. I've never been in a long distance relationship and I'm not trying to compare my 11 days of separation to anyones long distance relationship (for those of you that are in them.) I give you a lot of credit and have no idea how you do it sometimes. It's just hard. I don't know how else to describe it. It probably doesn't help that I have very little to keep me distracted while he's gone. My relationship with my roommates is not terrific and aside from my job, I don't have much else going on. So while he's having a fantastic time in California and Mexico, I'm at home going about life as usual but without him. So it kinda sucks. I am admittedly jealous that he is doing some of the things he is doing because they are things that I would love to be doing with him. I grew up in California and I would have loved to be the one to take him there for the first time. But it didn't work out that way.

So with all that said, in 5 days I think I've spoken to him for a collective total of 20 min. The few times we have spoken, he's only had a few minutes, the boys he's with are always around and it's hard to really connect with him on the phone. There are a lot of "firsts" that I'm experiencing with him while he has been gone that I wasn't expecting. It's our first time being separated for this long. It's the first time he's gone on a trip and done things that I actually wish I could be doing with him. It's the first time I've really experience him put on a bit of a "front" when he's away from me and spending a lot of time with his boys. It's the first time I have ever had to go so long without talking to him. And it's the first time he's ever gone to a strip club. He called me last night. It was a planned phone call so I was expecting and looking forward to hearing from him. What I had hoped would be a wonderful conversation where I'd just be happy to hear his voice... turned into him telling me they went to a strip club in Mexico. Now, he did say it was gross. And he did say they were taken there without actually knowing it was a strip club. My boyfriend is not the type of guy that likes going to places like that. Hes a bit of a germ-aphobe so strip clubs skeez him out. So I believe him when he says that it was gross and he didn't know that was where they were going. But they still went there. He ordered a round of drinks after paying a cover to unknowingly go into the strip club. He figured he had already paid to get in, they might as well have a drink. Well, apparently when you order a round of drinks at this particular establishment, it comes with a half naked Mexican stripper on your lap. He didn't know that before he ordered a round.

Anyway, so I find out about all this on the phone last night in a fly 15 minute conversation. His boys were in the background the whole time so obviously hes only going to tell me so much and give me the "male" version of the story with very little reassurance that he had no desire to actually be in the strip club. It was that "front" I guess guys tend to put up when they are with their boys. After the unexpected stress I've been under coping with his absence, and all the "firsts" I've listed above, it was a pretty unfulfilling conversation to say the least. He was rushed off the phone when the boys all piled into the car to head down to Hollywood for the night. I told him I missed him and he didn't say it back. I'm not sure if it was because he didn't hear me or because he was with his boys and he didn't want to be "that guy." He said he'd call me today so we could talk more but I'm at work today and I'll have limited time to talk to him.

I just feel pretty crappy about the whole thing and even though he has said he misses me it just doesn't feel like it's very genuine. Or at least I know hes not missing me even a fraction of what I'm missing him. I don't want him to feel like he HAS to call me. I want him to call me because he wants to talk to me. But I don't want him to feel forced to. I know hes with the boys and he's not going to go slink away for 30 min so he can talk to his girlfriend while hes on vacation with the guys in California. But it's just harder than I thought it would be and I guess I just need a little reassurance that he's being safe, he's not doing anything that he knows I wouldn't like, and that he misses me. Does that seem unreasonable? Any advice would be much appreciated. My mom thinks I need to back off and let him enjoy his vacation without giving him a hard time. And I agree. I'm not trying to give him a hard time. And I haven't yet. But I don't like the fact that he went to that skeezy strip club and it's hard to cop with him being gone while putting up with his less than sensitive attitude he had last night along with the distance between us right now. He said he feel like he's been gone for weeks and it's only been 5 days. I feel like he's been gone for months.

Sorry for the book. Thanks in advance for any advice/words of comfort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 11:06am

I guess I don't know what either he or you were expecting by him going to a strip club... When you go to a strip club there are half naked people there, not sure why you needed to mention the "Mexican" part, and yes they are paid to entertain clientele even if it is up close and personal. That's what a strip club IS.

I don't really want to comfort you honestly because I don't think you should need it. He's obviously faithful to you, and when he says he thinks it was "gross" you should believe him - a lot of guys feel that way. It could be that the one trip to a strip club will be his last. All guys will go once in their lives.

I understand you don't feel great about the strip club, it's something all but the MOST secure women would feel a little weird about. It's over and done with, perhaps it made him miss you more. Don't fret yourself about it.

Your relationship is still very new so I understand the feeling of needing him and a bigger "hole" when he is away. Make sure you spend time doing things you enjoy and don't focus on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 2:06pm

Actually,

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 3:10pm

Thats for your responses/advice. I know all these things you guys have said. I know I should do things to keep myself busy. I know I should just sit around and miss him. And thats the advice I'd give any of my girlfriends if they came to me with the same issue. Its just harder for some reason to come to that realization on your own when its actually happening to you. Or you realize it and know what you should and shouldn't do, but it doesn't help the way you still FEEL about the situation.

He called this morning after I posted my message. We talked for a while and had a really good conversation. Cleared up some things I was unhappy about last night... including the strip club. Everything is fine. I think I just needed to hear his voice for more than 5 minutes without his boys in the background. I wanted it to be "just us" like it usually is for a bit. He gave me that. And he reassured me that he misses me and that he loves me and he even said his trip is great but it would be better if I were with him.

Im not upset anymore. I still miss him of course. But I'm going home to Maryland for a long weekend to see my friends and family so I'm excited about that. I never want to turn into that overly needy, uber jealous, or insecure girlfriend. I've seen many of my friends fall victim to that and it's not pretty. But like I said, when you're actually in the situation, sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees. Thats why when a rational mind is thinking irrationally, she needs another rational head to bring her back down to earth. So thanks guys. :)

Oh, and PS- I didn't mean to offend by the "Mexican" stripper comment. They were in Mexico, at a strip club and the stripper was Mexican. But I apologize if it came out wrong.

Thanks again for what you guys said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 7:32pm

Welcome to the board ribbit1982,


I am glad that you got to talk to him again and that you are feeling better.