STRIP CLUBS - Yay or nay when you're in a relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
STRIP CLUBS - Yay or nay when you're in a relationship?
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Tue, 11-06-2012 - 10:49am

Hey, everyone. I'm curious to know how both the men and women out there feel about this. I've been with my BF for 4 months. Our relationship was very sexual from the beginning and I actually made it a point to keep it only on that level for a while because i didn't want a serious relationship. But time has passed and emotions can't be denied so here he is telling me he loves me and here I am realizing I think I feel the same. We really enjoy our time together, etc. BUT I have never been someone who would condone my BF going to strip clubs unless for a bachelor party. This guy has been going to them for years with one friend in particular and even dated and lived with a stripper for a couple of years just prior to our relationship. I don't judge, I don't really care about his past - everybody has one. However, now I'm wondering if I should be offended that he still goes occasionally, like twice a month. I've never asked him to stop and I don't think he has any intention of doing so. Ladies, how would you feel about this? And guys, why would you continue going to strip clubs if you're having great sex with a hot girl whom you claim to love? FYI, we're both intensely sexual people, possibly more than most and I don't feel insecure about this just a little confused as to whether I'm not seeing the big picture because this is a completely alien experience for me. Your comments and opinions are greatly appreciated.

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Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Regularly attending them does seem a little sleazy in my opinion, even outside of a relationship. But I assume it's not like he is having sex with the strippers - maybe he just enjoys the show. You ask why a man would continue going to strip clubs when he's having great sex with a hot girl but it's not like he is choosing the strip club over having sex with you. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. If it makes you uncomfortable, ask him to cut back on the frequency. If he's unable to do that, then I'd be concerned there was some kind of addiction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012

OK, here's a little bit of hilarious for you. I just realized that I've never even asked him which strip club his ex works at because I know that after they split, she went back to dancing and I'm wondering if she's at the one he frequents. It's probably where they met, lol. That kind of opens a whole new can of worms, doesn't it? It occurs to me that while he's very open about viewing porn, going to the strip club, partying with friends, I don't think he's the kind of person who would volunteer that particular information - a selective sort of honesty, if you know what I mean. I'm actually debating whether I even like this guy anymore. He has stated emphatically that he's never been unfaithful to anyone before, without my even questioning him (obviously I don't question enough, lol). But I think a woman, at least this woman, needs to feel secure in a relationship in order to really commit herself to it and I'm kind of heading in the opposite direction - as in, on to the next. So, that was just a little side rant. Please continue responding to my original post. I'm really curious how others weigh in on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

What does HE say about this?  Everybody has the right to have a past.  But if you are truly in a relationship - you said he told you he loves you, so I'd consider that a relationship - and if he's doing something that you truly find objectionable, maybe it's time for him to mature a little here and stop going places to ogle strippers.  There comes a point where for the good of the relationship, you re-evaluate the things you do.  I don't think going to a strip club twice a month is "occasionally", I think it's excessive and for me, that is the concern.  Guys are visual, we all know that - my DH has gone to totally nude clubs a few times (I wasn't aware at the time, duh), he's had spells of looking at porn, he's had EAs, and some bothered me and some I blew off.  Both of you need to be up front here and TALK and decide what's okay and what's not.  All couples need to make up their own rules, that's what's missing.  If he's addicted to these clubs, you have another matter entirely.  I would absolutely not like it if my DH was going to strip clubs anymore, most of all because he's cheated emotionally and that DOES change the relationship.  If this issue is a deal breaker for you, then.....it just is.  You're entitled.  You said in another post you aren't sure you even like the guy anymore....and the flip is he says he loves you.  This isn't sounding like a good match to begin with if that's the case.  Why do you stay with him?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012

Hi, Myra. Why do I stay with him? The million dollar question. This is something that's only begun to bother me very recently and I haven't discussed it with him. The truth is I want to not care about this. But it seems like ever since he introduced the L word and expressed the fact that he wants much more from me than just a physical relationship, my expectations have shifted while, aside from his pretty words, his behavior has not. So, now I'm a little confused. And dare I say, maybe he wants it that way? I truly have developed deeper feelings for this man and i know it may sound strange but now that I've also told him that I love him, I actually feel a little guilty saying, "you know what? Never mind. Let's just forget about us". He tried calling me at 1 AM this morning but I didn't answer and texted him instead asking what was up. He texted back "Just driving home and wanted to tell you I love you". Driving home from where at that hour? And why would he call to tell me? Is he stupid? Crazy? Or just a real A-hole? I know deep down that I want and need to end this but talking it out in this forum with objective parties is a big help and encouragement. I feel like the strip club thing is just the biggest issue right now and because thus far, I've sincerely accepted it as part of who he is, I feel like a hypocrite telling him I feel otherwise at this point. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

mav33 wrote:
<p>OK, here's a little bit of hilarious for you. I just realized that I've never even asked him which strip club his ex works at because I know that after they split, she went back to dancing and I'm wondering if she's at the one he frequents. It's probably where they met, lol. That kind of opens a whole new can of worms, doesn't it? It occurs to me that while he's very open about viewing porn, going to the strip club, partying with friends, I don't think he's the kind of person who would volunteer that particular information - a selective sort of honesty, if you know what I mean. I'm actually debating whether I even like this guy anymore. He has stated emphatically that he's never been unfaithful to anyone before, without my even questioning him (obviously I don't question enough, lol). But I think a woman, at least this woman, needs to feel secure in a relationship in order to really commit herself to it and I'm kind of heading in the opposite direction - as in, on to the next. So, that was just a little side rant. Please continue responding to my original post. I'm really curious how others weigh in on this.</p>

My initial response was to ask if he wanted to commit to you. Then you wrote:

mav33 wrote:
<p>Hi, Myra. Why do I stay with him? The million dollar question. This is something that's only begun to bother me very recently and I haven't discussed it with him. The truth is I want to not care about this. But it seems like ever since he introduced the L word and expressed the fact that he wants much more from me than just a physical relationship, my expectations have shifted while, aside from his pretty words, his behavior has not. So, now I'm a little confused. And dare I say, maybe he wants it that way? I truly have developed deeper feelings for this man and i know it may sound strange but now that I've also told him that I love him, I actually feel a little guilty saying, "you know what? Never mind. Let's just forget about us". He tried calling me at 1 AM this morning but I didn't answer and texted him instead asking what was up. He texted back "Just driving home and wanted to tell you I love you". Driving home from where at that hour? And why would he call to tell me? Is he stupid? Crazy? Or just a real A-hole? I know deep down that I want and need to end this but talking it out in this forum with objective parties is a big help and encouragement. I feel like the strip club thing is just the biggest issue right now and because thus far, I've sincerely accepted it as part of who he is, I feel like a hypocrite telling him I feel otherwise at this point. </p>

Then I read your following post and it really sounds to me like you two need to talk. Like tonight.  You need to lay this all out for him and tell him what your bottom line is with regards to the strip club. You need to make it unmistakably clear to him that you will not tolerate him dealing with his ex and that means going to the strip club where she works.  If it's your bottom line, then stand in that truth and proclaim it.  You cannot have any measure of security not knowing what he thinks and what he will or won't agree to if you refuse to own your voice and make yourself heard to him.

If, after declaring yourself to him, he chooses to still engage in that behavior, then you've got solid grounds to drop him off at the mall and keep going. It wont' be like he didn't know your feelings. Right now, he doesn't know your feelings.

It's time for that talk, hon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012

Great advice, Kendahke. Thank you. I will be seeing him tonight and I will raise this issue. I have no idea what the outcome will be but resolving it one way or the other will be a huge relief. I just hope I can keep my temper in check if I find out he has indeed been going to the club she works out throughout our relationship. I guess that's the point I gently inform him that he's a deceitful idiot and then make a graceful exit. Que sera sera, right?

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
I think that even if he is not seeing his ex, it seems his lifestyle does not suit you. I think you are wise to be questioning the relationship.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

mav33 wrote:
<p>Great advice, Kendahke. Thank you. I will be seeing him tonight and I will raise this issue. I have no idea what the outcome will be but resolving it one way or the other will be a huge relief. I just hope I can keep my temper in check if I find out he has indeed been going to the club she works out throughout our relationship. I guess that's the point I gently inform him that he's a deceitful idiot and then make a graceful exit. Que sera sera, right?</p>

It doesn't even require name calling. It just requires resolve to stand in your truth, proclaim it and never waiver from it or compromise it for short term gain.

Just tell him that you are not the woman he needs to be involved with if he needs to visit strip clubs at. all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012

Hi, UKgirl. As far as an addiction, that's entirely possible. Not strictly to strip clubs, but sex in general. He is also obsessed with pornography, more so than anyone I've ever met before. But, as I said, that doesn't bother me. I'm probably a little over-sexed myself from most people's perspectives. And as far as being a good BF, he is - very attentive, sweet, accomodating, at times almost doting, lol. Certainly not perfect but who is? Anyway, I asked last night about his ex and the club she works at is not one that he ever goes to because the owner is a good friend of his brother's which makes him feel awkward AND quite frankly, I've heard it's a real crap hole, lol. He's remained friends with her and I'm fine with that. Oddly, she's a stripper who never wanted to have sex. They were completely mismatched in that department. So, I have to admit I'm just stuck on my super sweet, sex obsessed guy. We are very open and honest with each other - the clubs, the pornography, etc., are not things he's ever tried to hide from me, nor does he flaunt them, they're just a part of who he is. And, from what I'm coming to understand, he only really ends up there once or twice a month when his friend asks to meet up, not that he needs his arm twisted mind you. I don't want to fall into the trap of judging my relationship according to the expectations other people have of their relationships. There was a time this would have been a deal breaker for me but at this point, it just doesn't really bother me. I'd love to get feedback on this from some men, though and try to see it from their perspective.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

You kind of sound like you are questioning whether you really want to be with this guy at all anymore so maybe the whole strip club thing is a moot point. But in general I suppose it is up to each individual couple as to what activities are acceptable and which are over the line in their relationship.

I have been to a few clubs over the years and it never appealed to me. Seems like a place to delude yourself into thinking these women are into you.

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