Struggling/Feeling Hysterical

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Struggling/Feeling Hysterical
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 3:37pm

So I’m struggling.  I have been with my BF for over 5 years and living with him and his parents for about 2 years.  The house is pretty big and my BF and I have our own floor so we have our privacy, and we pay rent.  About a year ago my BF’s brother had a baby.   His brother and his girlfriend do not live together (don’t ask, I sure don’t) So when she works on the weekends, he brings his daughter to the grandparents’ house. At first it started with only Saturday from 10am to 9pm.  Then it became Saturday and Sunday.  Right now he pretty much brings the baby every day.  This has become tough for me b/c it kind of changed the dynamic of our home.  I love his niece and she loves me back.  I just wasn’t prepared to do this every day especially when I come home from work and this beautiful little girl wants to play with me.  Luckily I have my own floor to go to when I need a break.  For the most part the burden falls on the grandparents to take care of her.

Last week, my boyfriend’s parents went on vacation for a week and the both of us were looking to spend some time together.  We both even took days off from work to have the house to ourselves. But Monday came and guess who as at the house with the baby? It was his brother.   I think this was my breaking point. I haven’t been able to get rid of this twitch in my eye.

Yes of course the brother is taking advantage.  Yes of course the brother could bring his daughter to his own house and take care of her on his own.  But he doesn’t.  Both my BF and his parents have expressed how ridiculous his brother is but no one is willing to confront him.  And it’s all putting me in a bad place!  He’s created this urgency for me to move out the house. I resent my BF and his family for enabling this behavior.  I resent my boyfriend for not having to guts to ask his brother for privacy.  Somewhere I feel like I’m losing myself here.  I feel hysterical because it’s not my place to confront him and I have to just “accept” this.

Yes we need to move out and that has been another one of my struggles.  I have always tried to do the right thing and so I saved up all this cash with the hope of purchasing a home one day.  Living in NYC has made that dream close to impossible for me.  Apartments are too small and expensive and the houses on the outskirts of NYC are too far and expensive.  I’ve been trying to accept just renting an apartment but I don’t know if I am making the right choice financially.  But like I said before, I’m at a breaking point and I’m feeling quite hysterical.  I have spoken to my BF, he tells me to hang in there and he gives me a Xanax.  Speaking with my BF about money and real estate is fruitless b/c he doesn’t have a clue.  But I need to get out. I don’t have the heart nor the patience for it anymore and I’m not happy and I feel stuck and depressed.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 11:35pm

I'm confused.  First, the baby-sitting.  When  did YOU agree to watch the brother's child?  You say he could bring her to his own house and take care of her on his own.   Doesn't HE work?  And I'll guess that the g/f does work, and expects HIM to take care of his child, but he pushes it off on his parents.  If your b/f and his parents aren't going to put a stop to it, then it's up to you it seems.  I'm sure his parents told him they were going away and he should have made other arrangements.  And, if you work all day, and the parents are away......who's taking care of the baby while YOU're gone?  I'm guessing your b/f, and I'm guessing he's not working.

You want to move.  You're stressed about finances........but what's the b/f doing to help out?  Does he work?  You say speaking to him about money and real estate is fruitless because he doesn't have a clue???  Why are you with this guy who's clueless, and has a brother who's mooching off everyone.  You do need to look for another place to live.......probably alone, because your b/f seems clueless about a lot of things.  Instead of being hysterical and having twitching eyes, you need to get proactive and get out of that mad house.  Stop wasting your time with hysterics.......put that energy to good use.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 11:52am

I'm wondering about how old you are.  I really hope that you are both in your early 20's because maybe that would be a slight excuse for your BF to be clueless about money, but even then, is this the kind of guy you want to tie your life to in the future?  My ex & I got married when I had just turned 27 and he was 24--we both had full time jobs and we got an apt. together--after we got married because in those days our parents would not have approved of living together w/o being married.  then a couple of years later, we bought a house.  At this point, I tell my DD not to move in with her BF if they aren't engaged.  I just see too many couples where the woman wants to get married and after they live together the guy figures why bother to get married because we are already living together?

but I'm kind of getting off track here.  Say that you are both content with permanently living toggether w/o being married--you still have to consider a future.  You say that YOU are saving money & want to buy a house--is he also saving money?  Is he responsible about money?  do you want to be with a guy who is clueless about money and you will have to do all the work?  As far as the child care arrangement with the brother's child, this isn't your responsibility so if the grandparents don't want to tell him not to bring their granchild over there, then as long as you have your own space, you can just go stay on your own floor when you don't feel like playing with her and if anyone asks, then you say that you did not agree to provide child care.  It was not fair of the brother to bring the child over when his parents weren't home without asking you & your BF if you would take care of her.  I feel sorry for a child whose own father can't seem to be able to take care of her for only a limited time each week--and someone in that family should be emphasizing that it's his responsibility to figure that out, but you are right that it's not your place to do it.  I think your best bet at this point would be to start looking for a place to move since you have the money saved and tell your BF that you are going--then you have to consider whether you are willing to have him move with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 3:01am

You say that you need to get out, you're unhappy and feeling stuck. If you are asking for validation then I will agree, yes you need to get out.

The babysitting issue is just another symptom of the overall problem. I read a post from you from March on the Problem Solving for Couples board where you were discussing your bf's lack of ambition and how you were frustrated with being the breadwinner and the one with the smarts about money. You also mentioned that you two are in your 30s which is kind of old to be living with the parents, especially when both of you have jobs. At that time he told you that he was saving to buy you an engagement ring, did that ever happen?

My advice: find yourself another place to live. If you're undecided about renting vs buying or in what area to live, you could sublet an apt for a few months until you feel more clear on what to do next. If you want to give bf one more chance to be the man you've wished he could be, then tell him what you need and give him a chance to come through. If you already accept that he will never be what you want and need, then just end it and move forward.