Stuck in a Rut

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Stuck in a Rut
10
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 9:48am
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 11:15am

I have to say that fights do not usually cause a rut, in fact it usually has the opposite effect... So these could be separate issues.

Can you give an example of what he says when he complains about your family, and what you say to him in return?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 11:44am

There are people in my family that I know can seem condescending upon first impression or have a dry sense of humor and he just gets it stuck in his head that he doesn't like them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 12:38pm

<< He holds a grudge big time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 1:04pm

I agree with starbuck, his grudges are his own problem and people have the reactions they do because of PRIOR EMOTIONAL PROGRAMMING... Not because of one specific person. If he gets angry at something you do, it's not because you have done something to MAKE him angry, but rather because he feels it is something to which the proper response is anger. For example.

His reactions are his own to identify and control. Although, it is difficult to be in the presence of someone we don't like for a good reason and not be able to tell them what we think of them. I can understand that he's feeling very frustrated, he just has to sit and deal with these people. Of course for him it would be easier to burn bridges, he isn't related to them by blood, and the only thing holding him back from giving them a piece of his mind is the affect on their relationship to YOU.

In this case, the role of the peacemaker may be difficult but it is necessary. If he tells off your aunt, chances are she will punish him by cutting off her relationship to you. while he has authority over his own actions, he does not have the right to take an action that would cause you and your relationships to suffer. I would remind him that any action he takes against them does damage to your relationship with your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 2:24pm

Welcome to the board mwebber7582,


I think pre-martial counseling would be good for the two of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 2:41pm
I actually am signing us up for a weekend couples seminar for newly engaged/married couples.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 3:17pm

You do realize that by the time you're married, you're committed to a man who holds grudges and takes things out on you, right?


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 3:22pm

But is also willing to work on it and talk through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 3:52pm

If you can meet each other halfway maybe you can climb out of your rut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 4:28pm

Here's a solution: