a suitable ending to my story? pls help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
a suitable ending to my story? pls help
2
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 7:36pm

My story has a lot of twists and turns but it has elements of other break-up stories too......
here goes....this is a long winding one...sorry about that ......just want you guys to have more insight into the situation...

Me and my ex(Jake) had been involved in a very serious relationship for a year. I am 26 and he is 30yrs old. We have been rock supports for each other through our thick and thin. We were heading towards marriage.He did propose to me but would never set a date on the final day. This kept me wondering....he is a sincere,honest and handsome man, everything that I could ask for in my man. He felt the same for me and we were happy to have found each other. Well I understand 'guy jitters' before the big day...but it was more than necessary with him. He seemed very withdrawn before our break-up.He would set a time to sit down and talk abt our future but when we'd meet he'd act as if he'd forgotten about it ..i would remind him....he would ask me to hold on till the end of the day to talk about it etc. Day would end he would leave and call me back after reaching home saying 'oops' he forgot to talk things over! I had no clue what was going on with him. I just wish he would be more blatant about his thoughts even if he wanted more time to just tell me and not keep me hanging like that. We both believed we were each others true love. We both have had one relationship in the past and both our exs are married now(to their respective partners).

Jake had a 'roving eye'(looking at other pretty girls around) which I would ignore most of the times as a guy thing but this would make me very uncomfortable. I did bring this to his notice and he would correct this immediately.

These situations made me put him to a test...test for transparency
I sent him e-mails for 3 days pretending to be a girl working in the same building as him and was interested in him. I just wished he would not respond to those mails ,delete it and let me (Nancy) know about them. But he chose to respond and agreed to meet up with this girl just a week before he was gonna formally announce our engagement. Meanwhile I (Nancy) kept reminding him of our commitment.The anonymous girl too asked him to meet up provided he was not currently in any relationship. Well, he did not respond to the question about his relationship status and decided to meet up with this 'fictitious girl' anyways. He was completely dishonest to me about what he would be upto the next day at the time of meeting the girl in question.

When the meeting was set ,I could not take this anymore and thats when I told him the truth. That it was me who sent him those mails and it was me who he would have met the following day and I was just shocked at how he played this out and kept a straight face in front of me for those 3 days when he had been exchanging those mails and he did nothing to give away what he had been doing. I was made , he was completely caught unaware. If this situation was real I would have never known!

Basically, I broke-up with him......we both were miserable...he said he would not have done anything wrong..he was merely curious......and would have pulled himself back.

So we decided to give this another shot......only for two days......the guilt wrecked him ..he said he could not look into my eyes anymore.....so then He broke up with me...!!!!!

I forgave and he left me with a heart still wiling to love him..

ITS BEEN NEARLY 5 MONTHS since we broke up......with no contact whatsoever...I took the lead to wish him for his birthday which was 2 weeks ago...he responded with thanks and he hoped wherever in life I maybe he'd wish for my happiness and whatever happened to me is all for the good.He also said he wished to inquire a lot abt me since the break-up but he didn't have that privilege anymore. I waited a week and responded ...kept it simple....still no response till date.

Bottom line.....I was a wreck when he left. Its been hard for me. It was a fictitious situation but could have been real with serious implications if we were married and there was another woman tempting him. But today I am the one still heart broken and unable to get over him. The 'no contact' policy was put forth by him not me. Even today I have hope of him sending me that one mail willing to make amendments. I am still in love with him. Am I hopeless? Is there a chance? I know he is emotionally closed up now and does not have anyone else in his life. Pls suggest a suitable ending to my story.(have tried everything in the book to get over him ..he wont leave my system).Any suggestions will be truly appreciated.

I realize my mistake in setting up such a test too but I was lost........If I knew he was committed I would have never tested him the way I did, but he was a closed up person. I had no other way. I thought about it many times before sending him those mails, tried pulling myself back too but something in me wanted to know how he would react.In conclusion test for transparency stretched too far to become test for fidelity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 9:33pm

As for testing him, you obviously felt something was wrong and your test proved correct - let it go. A suitable end to your story is a tough one, therapy would be helpful. You have become obsessed with this guy and that is not at all about love. Meditation is a great way to shut off your mind for awhile. It might help to figure out a mantra or breathing exercise to do everytime you start obsessing about him. Often the inability to let go is because a person didn't allow themselves to grieve. If you've been trying to stay strong and in control stop it - let yourself cry - let yourself grieve - let yourself be angry with him for shatterring your hopes and dreams and breaking trust.

He's doing you a favor. You obviously are not holding him accountable and to attempt to work things out with him by pretending you can get over his blatant interest in another woman is destructive to your sense of self. Trust takes time to rebuild after betrayal so to say that you forgave him is naive. It's more likely your fear took over your sense of reason. If he had in fact had no intention of possibly pursuing something he would be able to look you in the eye. Have you ever considered that he's done this before and that's why you were able to catch him so easily?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 5:15pm

Welcome to the board ellee2007,


Do you know how many times that excuse has been used?