super bowl party

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
super bowl party
3
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 3:45pm
What should I do: My relationship of 4 months is not going so well right now. We are again mad at each other. I used to talk to him about 10 times a day because our jobs are traveling throughout the city so we both had downtimes during the day to talk. Well that went from 10 times to 0 because we found ourselves fighting on the phone. Our relationship went from moving to another state together to not being together at all (starting last week). Our fights start because he never listens to what i want to do. If i say "Lets go see Legally Blonde2". He would say yes and then at the last minute get me to change my mind about the movie.. I find myself always doing what he wants to do. Last night was the super bowl game and I told him that i will watch the game but not at his apartment (he lives with several people). So this weekend he told me that he would watch the game at my house because he is leaving for Florida on Tuesday so we can spend time together. Well, He decided at the last minute that he wanted to watch the game and his house and if i wanted to come over I could. Needless to say, I haven't talked to him since. I shut my phone off!!!! We had a long talk Sunday morning about how he always changes plans (especially things that I request to do) and he turned around a second later and disregarded everything that was just said... It's hard because we were friends first (for 2 years) and it feels like this is going to end. Also, I have not talked to him since yesterday around 1:00 pm. He has tried once to contact me. He has my email address/cell # but has not sent me a single message. If you really liked someone and really felt things were going to end- wouldn't you do anything/everything to a make the other person realize you want this to work... I am so confused!!!!! Thanks for listening. Any advice? Cj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 4:08pm
Yes, I have some advice: move on. This is WAY too much of a struggle to be a right fit for either of you! When you find someone who's right for you -- it's pretty easy. There's not this constant daily struggle when you feel you're always hitting your head against a wall in frustration. That's a big red flag telling you this isn't going to work. Also, 4 months is sometimes about when the honeymoon starts to end, and things either go downhill (a sign to move on) or they just keep getting better and better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 4:35pm
Going from friends to lovers is difficult. When you’re just friends, there is no “future” that is tied to this other person’s decisions, actions or words. You can agree to disagree – knowing it doesn’t affect your options and destiny.

Lots of people think going from friends to lovers is easy because they “already know this person”.

But quite often you find out something you didn’t realize at all. Which sounds like it’s happening in your case.

You thought being together would be great because you already knew one another and that initial infatuation and excitement would exist – but in a concrete awareness of who this person is.

He thought being together meant that nothing would really change, other than you two would start having sex.

Probably all along during the “friendship” if he didn’t want to do something – he didn’t. And if he said he was going to do something and changed his mind it was fine with you and you didn’t perceive there was “pressure” to conform to his new agenda. You just didn’t go if you didn’t want to.

Now, you want to “be with him”….meaning that he’s got to be there to be with. And he’s still doing what he wants, based on his needs, goals and agenda and now that DOES NOT meet your sstandards because you “want to be with him”. He still wants to do the super bowl party with his friends as an option without notice – like he did when single.

Sounds like he thought the transition meant getting horizontal without any change in his priorities and modus operandi…and that you thought it meant he’d change his other habits and priorities and values because you got horizontal.

It doesn’t work that way.

Erin

Quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:00pm
Even though you have known him for a few years, you haven't had to be in an interpersonal relationship with him except for the last 4 months and you've gotten and up close and personal look at what he's really like. He is all about doing what he wants, when he wants, how he wants and with who he wants, and doesn't consider you in the least in regards to plans the two of you make, he gives *lip service* - tells you what you want to hear (so he can keep sleeping with you?) to put you off, to only change his mind at the last minute - talk you out of something, change plans, etc.

AND on top of all that he dismisses the issue when you bring it up. That tells me a few things 1) he's very unaware of himself and how his behavior impacts the relationship, and 2) doesn't care to listen, compromise, acknowledge your concerns.....etc. In other words, pretty self-centered and self-absorbed.

So, where does that leave you? That leaves you having to decide if you are willing to continue in the relationship with everything remaining exactly as it is because he has no desire to change or do anything different.

Good luck to you on your decision.


Carrie