surprise, your marriage is dying

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
surprise, your marriage is dying
18
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 10:00am

That's how I feel.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 11:05am

Xyro,


Is he really looking at porn, 5 days a week? If so, he may have become addicted to it. The two of you have been through a lot together recently. I can tell that you are stressed out. So much so, in fact that it is causing you to be physically ill. You need to find some ways to relieve this stress. Either by seeing a counselor or by moving out on your own for a while.


Do you want to fix the marriage?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 11:25am

Hi and thank you for responding.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 12:08pm

"Should I just put his computer in that room (which was going to be the nursery/baby's room IF we had one) and let him go at it in there as much as he wants and just ignore it/pretend it's not there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 12:31pm

Thank you so much for being here.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 12:42pm
I am so sorry you just had a big fight. I think it is really important that you find some way to deal with all this stress before it starts impacting other aspects of your life (your health, job, etc). If/when your husband comes back ask him calmly if he will go to marriage counseling with you. Please keep me updated. ((Hugs))
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 12:49pm

Thanks *hugs* I needed that, and the shoulder to cry on, so to speak.


I don't know what will come for us.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 1:12pm

Welcome to the board xyro,


Since he said he's embarassed, maybe some time calming down - him being gone, giving him time to think will help so that the two of you can talk.


The two of you have a lot of things going on in your lives and your marriage - sex is a great stress reliever and I can understand how you feel since he's not turning to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 6:25pm

Honestly, I don't understand how you can feel disrespected; you're refusing to have sex with your husband. What did you expect? Instead of feeling disgust toward him for taking care of the needs you're refusing to take care of, try to focus on why you're no longer interested in sex/can't achieve orgasm; make a doctor's appointment, find a book with suggestions on positions/ stimuli that may help you achieve climax... Just never, ever give up on it and expect your husband to be okay with it. Paraphrasing what someone once said on another board, it is extremely selfish for one partner to choose celibacy for the other

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 6:46pm

I never once chastised him for masturbating OR for looking at porn, I even told him I completely understood!!! What I DO think is disrespectful is doing it right there in my face for me to wake up to see then screaming at me and saying some pretty ugly things.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 6:49pm

Ok I read your most recent post here (I guess we posted at the same time) - I guess I'm not sure why he should have automatically known it was a big deal to do it in the same room as you?

Have you two considered marriage counseling?

I think it's a good thing he quit the game. Obviously he has some desire to get back on track with you. But you're not going to get anywhere if you continue to just relentlessly accuse one another. Accept his apology. Stop with the sarcastic attitude. Reach out to him genuinely, tell him what you want to do, how you need his help, and what you'd like to achieve. If you fight his fire with your own, you'll get nowhere. Someone has to douse the flames, why can't it be you?

You're both stubbornly set in your ways but until you both say "enough is enough, what happened happened, we forgive one another and will make some changes" then you'll stay in this cycle of screaming at one another.




Edited 10/22/2007 6:56 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire

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