"Taboo" sex has gotten out of control

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
"Taboo" sex has gotten out of control
12
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 3:29pm
Where do you start with this... perhaps at help need input?

I will admit that I too enjoy pushing the more liberal boundaries of sex. I suppose I can chalk it up to curiosity and the desire to try many stimulating things as part of the continual life experience.

The great news and upside is I have found a great guy who is just as curious and just as open to trying new and exciting things... only it seems to have gotten out of control and I am not longer as comfortable with his reasons for why he wants to explore or personal need to explore.

So here it goes...

I have tried sex with another woman - we actually paid for a professional so she would know what to do and basically provide a positive experience. It was.

We tried couple sex and it was great up until the point I caught him taking off his condom and "finishing" with her. I immediately let him know after they left that I was A - furious that he would put us in danger of STDs and B – that he was cut off for a month and until as long as it took to produce a clean bill of health from the local clinic (I had too much wine is not an excuse for what happened)

I then postponed anymore couple or threesomes because he always seems to talk about “two women at once” anytime we start to stimulate each other during sex. He could never seem to play out a fantasy without ALWAYS including another woman with us.

Swingers clubs or an orgy... yeah I want to try it but no I do not want it to be a regular part of my sex life. He is continually pushing for it and even wants to swing more often with other couples.

So know I start to ask... am I the girlfriend who is open and exploring with/for him or have I crossed the fine line of the girlfriend who has given him the opportunity to have sex with other women under the guise of threesomes and swinging?

He also seems to be pushing the alternative lifestyle much more... wanting it to become a part of our lives. It's like I have opened a Pandora's Box and now want to go to the other extreme of very vanilla - just us with absolutely not more mentioning of other women/men couples in our sex lives.

Have I become a prude?

Has he become addicted to something new and before taboo?

Is it unreasonable of me to no longer want to mention fantasies of other women, opportunities of having sex with other women or any other couple/threesome alternative sex?

What do you say to him when he says he wants to continually explore – meaning threesome, couples, swing clubs, orgies – as part of life since the vanilla sex would be boring?

What do you do when it has come to this?

HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 4:13pm
IF this is a dating relationship where there is respect and admiration for one another as individuals at the core - you ought to be able to talk thru the issue and reach a compromise.

But if this is something where you two got togehter, had "incredible chemistry" - immediately began a sexual relationship, you were willing to expand on the options - he likely sees you as a "willing partner" in an adventure - - rather like he'd see a buddy if they both wanted to "do" the same woman and she was willing.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 6:52pm
thats quite the situation you have. in my opinion sex can just be sex, but with the right person it can be more. I've always wanted to try multiple partners or swaping partners but nobody I've ever been with felt the same. so your S/O might just be exited that your willing, kinda like a kid in candy store, he obviously care about you enough to be open and honest and want to include you instead of doing it behind your back like some other guy's would. So I do have to give him credit for that. and I also have to say good for you for giving him sh!t about takeing his condom off. but if you don't feel comfortable doing it you have to let him know. I'm sure you've heard it a billion times, comunucation is the most important thing in any relationship with out it, you'll be going nowere fast.

I hope this helped some

Good luck

keep us posted

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:27pm

The issue here is that you have to decide what you want for yourself, what is healthy and constructive for you. If you choose not to engage so intensely in these other sexual lifestyles that is fine. It sounds as though your partner has a great taste for this kind of sex. There is no reason to blame yourself for it. That is him, it's who he is. You need to sit down together and have a good talk about this. If this kind of sexuality is not what you want to such a degree, he may not be the person for you. Don't do anything that is against your well being to hold onto the relationship. As time goes on in relationships we discover more about ourselves, our wants our desires and that of our partners. Sometimes they mesh, other times they do not. It is now necessary for you to re-evaluate how suitable this situation is for you.


Don't be afraid to get some professional counselling with this if it because too confusing to you.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:01am
It seems to me you are growing tired of this 'games', sex is not only exploration, maybe all this sharing is not for you anymore...you might be getting emotionally closer to him and you would rather have a COUPLE relationship, what you are wondering is SO NORMAL...

I also wonder whether you did all this more for satisfying him (maybe out of fear of him doing it behind your back) then for your real desire (or maybe at first it was a curiosity for you, instead for him it's a way o life!)

My ex b/f used to do this when he was single, I wasn't interested and later on I found out he was still visiting those kind of sites...(and I hope nothing more happened)

taking off his condom was a very dangerous thing to do, he is not a kid, it's not excusable, it's like he cannot control his impulses, not a good sign

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:01pm
are u sick.

what u really want. i have a friend and her bf is always wanted another man to come and have sex with her in front of her. and when this she told me , it was soo disgusting.

they were dating for 7 years now and doing this is what .

u know what is the diffrence between a Whore/Slut and a gf, is the respect.

u can do everything with a whore which u do with a gf.

but the respect is what is more important and which makes diffrence in a relationship.

otherwise is not a realtionship it is just a whore-man thing.

so please be natural and do not explore things.

fantasies are only fantasies , and ther are not true and cannot be implemented in real.

if they are implemented then they are not fantacies.

please be carefull and think simply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 6:26pm
I realize that this is your opinion but just because you don't have an open mind doesn't mean you have any right to tell some one they are sick. if you don't like what is said here or what is being discused fine. but don't try and make some feel bad about wanting to explore there sexuallity. and it's also in human nature to explore things, I don't think it really maters if it your surounding's or your sexuallity just because your afraid you might enjoy something don't try to discourage other from it. I know it's not for everybody, but who are you or me to judge anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:24pm
Maybe what gaisu is trying to say is that the OP's mind has become so "open" that her brains have fallen out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 12:52am
You have not become a prude. You are simply a red blooded female. My ex was into that type of lifestyle and open relationships. I am not. So, he respected me and did not participate while we were together under the agreement that if he ever did want to- he had to call and offer it to me (as a joint encounter) or tell me before he had intercourse with anyone else and he NEVER did while we were together. He respected my lifestyle choice.

I will tell you this though- once someone enters that lifestyle-they are usually one of two types: A lifer (will never marry, always be into orgies, swinging and open lifestyle), or A player (someone who tried it, played with it, learned about themself and others, enjoyed it and got out.) It sounds to me that he is a lifer (like my ex) and you are a player (just testing it out for an experience).

If he respects you or sees you as a constant fixture in his life, he would not push something on you that you no longer want to particiapte in. My ex loved that life, but refused to partake unless I was OK with it before hand (not drunk, not a quick decision, but a serious talk.)

I think you indeed opened pandoras box and let out his inner desire for that lifestyle and you did exactly what you set out to do: you had a nice time with other couples/girls, enjoyed a sexual experience and realized that the open lifestyle is NOT FOR YOU. These kinds of situautions bring up all types of jealousy, resentment, hurt feelings... I know myself so well that I knew I could not handle the types of jealousy I would have felt- so I never went there. You sound like you made a mature, reasonable decision to go there but maybe your ground rules should have been better set in stone before hand. Things like: No cuming with/inside the other person (finish with who you came with), no condom removal- NO if's and's or but's, once in awhile is ok but this is not a regual thing, etc...)

"Vanilla sex" is "boring" to him???!!! Leave him. There are plenty of men that would have loved to have shared that experience with you and then leave it at that with just you. At this point the damage has been done and he has obviously made it known that he has no problem finishing with another girl and has no desire to just share sex with the two of you.

I am sorry but to me he doesn't sound like the right guy to continue sharing you heart, your body, or your bed with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:38pm
yea u are right. i am not imposing anything or i am no one to say sick to anyony.i know i am no one but try to c your heart and try to c what are u doing.

dnt be so open so that you loose your dignity or your self respect.

this is not for you specifically , this message is to all people that had losen their dignith and their self respect.

please i am not offending you, but as a common man i am telling u my thoughts that is all.

see into your heart and for God sake please respect yourslef.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 3:01pm
I am not going to come out and say that this kind of sex is sick.....

But what I do think is sick is that he REMOVED HIS CONDOM TO COME INSIDE OF THAT ORGY WOMAN THEY JUST MET!

Geeze! That unknown lover could be pregnant now with his baby! She could have given him an STD?! She could have given him AIDS!

Taking off his condom is not only sick but it is crazy. It is too unsafe to do that if you are messing around with that type of sex. It is risking way too much. For no purpose.

For this reason, I would dump this guy cold. Because if he uses such bad judgement as this, he will use bad judgement in other situations also. And I would not be able to trust this man to be smart..or take care of me....if I were her.

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