Taken for granted?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Taken for granted?
8
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:07am
I have been dating my boyfriend for four months. He swept me off my feet and makes me feel beautiful, funny, special. For Christmas he gave me a trip to Jamaica and we had a great time (we went with some friends and just got back 2 weeks ago). Mike lives an hour away and we don't see eachother every day. I usually go down to see him for a few days during the week or on my weekends off. I just got back from a visit and I'm feeling kinda confused and maybe that he is taking me for granted. We haven't told eachother that we love eachother, but I do love him, and his friends tell me that he is so happy with me. But, this past visit, when he would come home from work he just didn't seem as affectionate as he had been. I asked him last night if he was still happy that he had asked me to be his girlfriend and he said yes..of course. Is he just getting bored with me, is he just comfortable now, I don't like to play games but should I be less available for him? He is amazing, I adore him, and he says he adores me...I don't want to mess it up. I need some advice. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:46am

Welcome to the board catapunkus,


Can you give us some examples of why you think you are being taken for granted?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:54pm
Sure. When we first started dating when he would get home he would give me his attention and a great hug and kiss. This time I got a peck and he went to check an online game he plays. Overall he isn't as affectionate as he was at first. Though, he is still affectionate. I may be making too much of it, but I feel like it's too soon for things to cool off and become 'comfortable'-turn on the tv, play the game...I wan't more attention I guess.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 1:06pm

I don't really know what's going on with him as I don't know him. The first step is to find out. You asked him if he was still happy and he said yes. Perhaps he is just going through a time of needing a little distance? Or, perhaps something is eating away at him that he himself may not even be aware of. If you continue to feel as though he is withdrawing, if it is not a passing phase, then you need to sit down with him and talk about it honestly. Let him that you feel like something is changing that he is pulling away. (Sometimes people are not even aware of it themselves when they are doing so). He may say, no you're imagining it, or perhaps he will be able to speak of what's going on. If he can't discuss it, or doesn't know what's going on, then you simply have to see how you feel about the relationship in time. I don't think that playing games is useful. At a certain point you should be able to work through feelings and issues and especially situations like this.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 1:14pm

To me it sounds like he is just comfortable with you. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Tell him how you are feeling and that you would like a little more affection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:03pm

You will mess it up if you hold him to secret and unrealistic expectations. Do you initiate and offer him affection equal to what he does for you? If not - why not?

The truth is - it is virtually impossible to maintain or grow the pace and intensity of affection found in the early days of a relationship. Sometimes we need a little bit of downtime to recharge our batteries. Allow this time to happen without expecting him to be just like the Energizer Bunny constantly focused on affection for you. When we men are granted this downtime without hassles, we do come back.

So NO - he is not taking you for granted. However, it does sound like you may be taking him for granted if you want constant attention and a constant need for more. When is it ever going to be good enough for you? That's what you need to consider.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:03pm

Hi catapunkus and welcome to the board.


What you describe at the 4 month mark is about the right timing for things starting to 'slide' - it's the I have you, so I can be the real me now, etc.


Consider reading Dr Phil's book Relationship Rescue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:01pm

Thank you for your advice. I give a lot of myself to a relationship (sometimes too much), so it's nice to get some attention back. I always try to look nice, I am a great cook, I am really fine with his gaming (I play games too). I felt taken for granted because in the past few weeks it seemed a bit one sided when at first he was sooo attentive.

So, I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that I am falling in love with him, and that I wanted to know how he was feeling. And, he said that he was glad that I brought it up, that it has been troubling him the past few weeks. He told me that I am amazing, that he loves spending time with me, basically loves everything about me, but that he feels that something is missing. I'm relieved to know how he feels, and we are going to stay friends and still see eachother, but step back a little. I understand this, I have been on the other side more than a few times (someone is really great, but you just aren't feeling it). I really respect him for being honest with me.

We do have completely different styles. He says he falls hard and fast with both feet, while I am a bit more cautious and need to take time to fall in love. He's a great guy and I can't think of anyone I would rather have fall hard and fast for me...even if it didn't work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:36pm
Hey girl,
I have been married for three years now and I can totally relate with you.
Not even a month after we got back from our honeymoon in Mexico, my husband also seemed
distant and non affectionate any more..I thought what's the deal. But then I soon realized tha some guys are really cuddly and sweet then when they realize they "have" you, they seem totally different. So I may not offer you any good advice but hang in there and know that you do mean the world to him, he just needs a reminded of your needs as well. Talk to ya later and good luck!