Taken for granted & No communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2013
Taken for granted & No communication
11
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 11:34pm

My husband and I have been married for many years.  We never spend any time together.  We have kids and are busy with all their activities and both work.  DH also works all the time (his choice).  We rarely if ever go anywhere together and when we do we have nothing to say.  DH has never been a big talker but he never shares anything with me about his day, people he knows etc. and when he does say anything its like pulling teeth to get more information.  We went out for lunch a few months ago and it was a disaster. He didn't even try to make conversation and spent the majority of the time checking his phone for messages.  I am tired of trying to make conversation.  I have mentioned that we need to spend more time together and that he needs to talk more.  He will then take me out but we won't go out again until maybe 6 months later.  Please don't suggest counselling because he won't go.  In a week I think all combined we spend about 15 minutes talking.  In the evening he comes home and watches tv and I read.  He barely says anything. Has anyone else experienced this?  

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 10:02am

I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through. I went through some of the same things with two of my relationships. In my 23 marriage, the last seven years, my normally talkative husband wouldn't talk at the dinner table and then would go into the garage by himself and work on his bicycle. He suffered from depression. I sat him down and told him I was lonely and wanted a divorce. He went to a psychiatrist and got on meds to save the marriage. We were happy for two years and he went off the meds and wound up with the same anger issues and isolation behavior. This time, I wasn't willing to save the marriage even if he went back on meds. I'm very happy I divorced him. This freed me up to find a man who loves to talk to me, likes to go places with me, gives me back rubs and all the affection I want.

I don't think you want to live the rest of your life with your husband like this. The best way to change his behavior is to change yours. Do as the other posters say. Go to a counselor by yourself and tell him why. This will wake him up as to the serious state of things. Tell him you're not willing to live a lonely existence. Tell him you want him to ask about your day. Tell him when you go out, that his phone needs to stay in the car. Instruct the babysitter to call your phone when out. Leave him with the kids and you go out with girlfriends more often, or join a gym or start a new hobby that takes you away from home. Make him think you're losing interest in the relationship and maybe he'll start wanting to make an effort to save the marriage. 

If he doesn't make steps to better your marriage, maybe you should throw in the towel. Face the fact you two aren't compatible and made a mistake by choosing him as a lifetime partner. Many of us married young when we didn't have the lifetime experience and skills to choose wisely. Fortunately, there are second chances in life. I'm 100 percent happier now that I'm older and wiser and was able to make a significantly better decision the second time around. Good luck!

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