Taken for granted & No communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2013
Taken for granted & No communication
11
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 11:34pm

My husband and I have been married for many years.  We never spend any time together.  We have kids and are busy with all their activities and both work.  DH also works all the time (his choice).  We rarely if ever go anywhere together and when we do we have nothing to say.  DH has never been a big talker but he never shares anything with me about his day, people he knows etc. and when he does say anything its like pulling teeth to get more information.  We went out for lunch a few months ago and it was a disaster. He didn't even try to make conversation and spent the majority of the time checking his phone for messages.  I am tired of trying to make conversation.  I have mentioned that we need to spend more time together and that he needs to talk more.  He will then take me out but we won't go out again until maybe 6 months later.  Please don't suggest counselling because he won't go.  In a week I think all combined we spend about 15 minutes talking.  In the evening he comes home and watches tv and I read.  He barely says anything. Has anyone else experienced this?  

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 1:43am

Well, there's a need for counseling, so if he won't go fine - go by yourself.  What you're dealing with I think is more common than we may believe.  If it does any good at all, my DH was much like yours for many years.  He was mad at me because he wanted me to make a big change and I didn't do it.  I made the mistake of letting my control freak spouse know that communication was so important and didn't realize I just handed him another weapon by saying that; from then on he made sure he sat there evening after evening with his nose stuck in some kind of book and reading while he watched t.v.  It went on for years like that, with us having little conversation of any kind.  So I know how this feels.  Until he talks, you won't be able to understand why he does this year after year, and a therapist might have some better suggestions, but I have a feeling to get somewhere it might mean he has to be willing to try counseling where he would get some solid feedback.  What are you getting out of this marriage as it is?  Whatever that is, is it really enough?  It sounds to me like he is doing this at least partly deliberately, and if so, there's a reason and it needs to be addressed.  It sounds like a pretty lonely existence, like you're just two people who happen to live under one roof.  Your kids are noticing and learning, too, that alone is reason enough to need a pro's feedback. 

 

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