taking it personally....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
taking it personally....
5
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 5:03am

he's divorced but still settling alimony matters with his ex. they have a son who lives with the ex whilst he gets visiting rights. his son and ex don't know about me and assume that i'm just a fling, a passer-by, as such, she's asked him not to include me in his son's life until he's sure about the person as a partner. am i not the one? why hasn't he explained it to her? is he ever going to? i feel like a third party even though i'm not.

he's insecure and wants to know what i do cos he suspected his wife cheated on him. i can't be sure as i've only heard his side of the story. his insecurity has made me a victim of circumstance cos he can't seem to trust me no matter what i do. i have to constantly prove myself to him and it doesn't help when i'm being tested repeatedly. he gets suspicious even when i get calls from my friends at night. if its a guy, he assumes its someone i've been involved with before.

if i mention my thoughts to him, he takes it so literally and dissects its every meaning. he takes it personally. i tell him the truth, that i wasn't even thinking of what he was assuming. yes, assumptions. he assumes that if i go clubbing with my friends, we're all up to no good, that going to local gigs only involves sex, drugs and alcohol. having an interest in the music industry according to him, only involves bad people. and single women like me are only looking for a night out with any available bachelor and we're always begging for men to flirt with us. my independence is my downfall. i have no self-respect and no values cos my background shows that i'm a social person and can adapt to any situation.

i love him for his values, humor and most of all what he strives to be. after putting all the things that hurt me most down, i realise its always going to be a trust issue. how do i talk to him without him being defensive? i hurt too. i need him to see it from my point of view but he won't see it any other way but his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 6:00am

You say he's insecure, suspicious, he tests you, makes assumptions, sees your independance as a downfall, says women who enjoy what you do have no values....Yet you also say you love him for his values.

Sorry hon, but for the life of me, I can't see why the above values are lovable. He sounds like a nasty piece of work to me.

I'm thinking that you need to do some serious self evaluation and find out why you would lower yourself to be with a man who behaves in this manner. Don't waste your time trying to change him. Istead, change yourself into the type of woman who would not tolerate being put down in this manner.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 8:15am

Like Aisha, I have no idea what you find so lovable about this critical and suspicious man (this sort of behavior will only get worse as the relationship continues, by the way). I am also wondering about the time line here. He is newly divorced and still working out the alimony and visitation arrangements. When did the two of you get together?

If you met during the separation or shortly after the divorce was final, it is very likely that you are the rebound girl, his comfort relationship until he gets himself together and is able to deal with the reality of being divorced. His ex will view you as temporary, and a lot of time will have to pass before she (and perhaps the son, depending on his age) will regard you as a long-term partner. If you met while he was still married, it is likely that the ex-wife will view you as the the cause of her divorce, and that she will go to great lengths to keep you away from her son. She may NEVER accept you, and may say unkind things about you to the boy.

It says a lot about the boy's father (good things, this time) that he agrees with his ex and will not be running a stream of women through his son's life. However, when you ask "am i not the one? why hasn't he explained it to her? is he ever going to?" you are asking the wrong people. We have no idea why he hasn't announced your relationship, so you need to ask him directly--just ask, don't beg, etc. It is possible that although you see this relationship as something to build on for the future, he sees it as a source of temporary comfort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 11:51am
Honey, I just got out of a relationship and if I didn't know any better I would think you were talking about my ex. He was identical to that...the thing with him was that he lied about everything...said he was divorced, but in reality he wasn't divorced but seperated because they were still trying to settle the paper work in regards to their son. I have to agree with the others in saying that you are so much better off without this guy. Why would you want to be with someone that has put you down and brought you to his level? Why would you even want to be with someone that can't trust you and will always question every move you make? Believe me...you will get tired of this. Don't put all of you into this relationship and get nothing in return. Good luck to you!
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 12:17pm

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That doesn't make much sense. Usually, it's required to work these things out IN ORDER for a divorce to become final.

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You're not a "victim of circumstance", you're a victim of your bf and his insecurities. He only "suspects" that his wife cheated. Maybe he thinks that DUE to his insecurities and not because she actually did anything to make him feel this way. Maybe she got tired of his insecurities and tired of being tested and accused. Like you said, you've only heard one side.

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Which values are those? He certainly doesn't value or respect you or any other woman, for that matter. Do you really want to be with a man who doesn't trust or respect you?

There's nothing you can do to keep him from being defensive.

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If you decide to stay with him, expect a lifetime of this. Also, insecure, suspicious men like this tend to become controlling and abusive.

You can NOT change him. He sees things his way. He does not think anything is wrong with him, so why change? He feels it's someone else's fault that he has trust issues, and since you too are a woman, you are not to be trusted. If this is fair to you, and YOUR responsiblity to convince him that you're not like her (a task you will NEVER accomplish - trust me, btdt), then stay with him. Otherwise, think long and hard about continuing in this relationship.

Couple of questions: how long have you been together? Are you POSITIVE that his divorce is final? In CT, the records are public and viewable online. Not sure where you are or if you have access to this sort of public record information.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:09pm
Don't get involved with someone who is on the rebound. Especially someone with a child who needs to be number one in his life. Walk away and let him get his life in order.