Taking a toll
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Taking a toll
| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:42am |
Hi everyone!
I am having some trouble in my relationship. While I love my boyfriend to death and can't imagine my life without him, things have been rough between us the last few months. He lost his job due to illness about 2 and a half months ago. This is a difficult situation to begin with, but what's harder is that I have already been through this with him once. He lost his job early into our relationship, which was very difficult. But I had fallen in love with him and was by his side through the whole thing. And what a relief it was for him to land a new job a couple months later.
This new job came with consequences. Long hours and sometimes weekends. He never complained though. He knew it was what he had to do. I truly admired his perseverance, because in all honesty, I could never work as many hours as he did and keep my sanity. He trudged through, getting to the office extremely early and leaving the office late at night every day. Needless to say this took a toll on his body and it just couldn't handle it anymore. He got sick adn the doctor thought it was due to stress from his job. They weren't sure exactly what was going on and wanted to run more tests. Still, he was still too sick to go back to work and wound up being laid off when his temporary disability claim was denied.
When he told me the news, I stayed strong and said we would get through it together, because that's what you do in relationships. In my mind I was thinking that, but also thinking how am I going to get through this again?? It was hard enough the first time seeing him so depressed and feeling insecure. HOw am I going to do this again? Well, lately it's really taken it's toll on me and I find myself resenting him and feeling angry.
Part of the reason is because just before he was laid off, we went ring shopping. He had finally saved up enough to buy me a ring. And I was sooo excited!! Once laid off, I knew that the ring would have to be put on hold for a bit. HOping it would only be a few months, it seems to have been extended. He is having a very hard time finding work and is running out of money. He interviewed for an excellent job about a month ago, and was called back for a second interview. Everything seemed to go well, and my friend who works there, and gave him a referral, said she thought he had a good chance. Well weeks have gone by, and he has emailed HR and they said thanks for being patient, but they had another interview and he would know a week later. well it's been two weeks. He emailed them back Wed and they haven't returned his email...I know this is very frustrating on him. And I hate seeing him so down. He has applied other places and hasn't heard back from any.
AS I said, I know this is very hard on him, and it breaks my heart to see him so down. Yet, lately, it's really taken its toll on me. He lives with me. And is there ALL the time. I haven't had much "me" time lately, adn that gets frustrating. I hate that I get angry with him. But I do my best to not let it show. At the most I might get really quiet for a while. But I never take this anger out on him, as I know that's not fair. It's getting even harder having more and more friends get engaged and married, knowing that it was supposed to be my time too, but now it will be a longer wait than anticipated.
I get scared to confide in friends, because I'll admit, I am afraid they will tell me that he is not good enough for me and that I should move on. But that's the last thing I want to do. I love him and want to be there for him. I guess by coming on a site where no one really knows me, I was hoping for some unbiased advice. Plus I think I just needed to get all of this out. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, and thanks for any responses. I know it's a long one!
I am having some trouble in my relationship. While I love my boyfriend to death and can't imagine my life without him, things have been rough between us the last few months. He lost his job due to illness about 2 and a half months ago. This is a difficult situation to begin with, but what's harder is that I have already been through this with him once. He lost his job early into our relationship, which was very difficult. But I had fallen in love with him and was by his side through the whole thing. And what a relief it was for him to land a new job a couple months later.
This new job came with consequences. Long hours and sometimes weekends. He never complained though. He knew it was what he had to do. I truly admired his perseverance, because in all honesty, I could never work as many hours as he did and keep my sanity. He trudged through, getting to the office extremely early and leaving the office late at night every day. Needless to say this took a toll on his body and it just couldn't handle it anymore. He got sick adn the doctor thought it was due to stress from his job. They weren't sure exactly what was going on and wanted to run more tests. Still, he was still too sick to go back to work and wound up being laid off when his temporary disability claim was denied.
When he told me the news, I stayed strong and said we would get through it together, because that's what you do in relationships. In my mind I was thinking that, but also thinking how am I going to get through this again?? It was hard enough the first time seeing him so depressed and feeling insecure. HOw am I going to do this again? Well, lately it's really taken it's toll on me and I find myself resenting him and feeling angry.
Part of the reason is because just before he was laid off, we went ring shopping. He had finally saved up enough to buy me a ring. And I was sooo excited!! Once laid off, I knew that the ring would have to be put on hold for a bit. HOping it would only be a few months, it seems to have been extended. He is having a very hard time finding work and is running out of money. He interviewed for an excellent job about a month ago, and was called back for a second interview. Everything seemed to go well, and my friend who works there, and gave him a referral, said she thought he had a good chance. Well weeks have gone by, and he has emailed HR and they said thanks for being patient, but they had another interview and he would know a week later. well it's been two weeks. He emailed them back Wed and they haven't returned his email...I know this is very frustrating on him. And I hate seeing him so down. He has applied other places and hasn't heard back from any.
AS I said, I know this is very hard on him, and it breaks my heart to see him so down. Yet, lately, it's really taken its toll on me. He lives with me. And is there ALL the time. I haven't had much "me" time lately, adn that gets frustrating. I hate that I get angry with him. But I do my best to not let it show. At the most I might get really quiet for a while. But I never take this anger out on him, as I know that's not fair. It's getting even harder having more and more friends get engaged and married, knowing that it was supposed to be my time too, but now it will be a longer wait than anticipated.
I get scared to confide in friends, because I'll admit, I am afraid they will tell me that he is not good enough for me and that I should move on. But that's the last thing I want to do. I love him and want to be there for him. I guess by coming on a site where no one really knows me, I was hoping for some unbiased advice. Plus I think I just needed to get all of this out. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, and thanks for any responses. I know it's a long one!

Hi Carrie478,
Well losing a job takes an enormous toll on all parties. I don't know if there is any validity to your friends thinking he's not good enough for you but maybe you you should take a good hard look at the give and take in the relationship because the tone of your post suggests to me that you would give till you're bled dry.
How long have you been together? How old is he? What does he do for a living? Are there other jobs he could be pursuing rather than holding out for only one?
Your friends may have valid cause for concern. Are you making excuses for him?
Hi there! Thanks for your response.
My boyfriend and I have always gotten along well. We instantly clicked and we just get each other. Most of my friends have said how great of a guy they think he is and how they think he is perfect for me.
We have been together for about a year and a half and he is 33, I am 27. He has been working in the mortgage business for the last 4 years or so as a mortgage broker, then a loan officer.
Yes, he has been looking into other jobs as well, but hasn't had much luck. He hasn't completed a college degree which seems to be affecting him now. I suggested trying to go back to school, but he can't afford it with out a job because he can't get a student loan (his ex messed up his credit). He really enjoys the industry itself, but really does not want to go back to the long hours with little pay that he was working before. He knows that he wants to get in with a bank somehow, and the job he was going for is the type of job he said he woudl like. He has also applied for other sales positions outside the mortgage industry to keep his options open.
I really hope I am not making excuses for him. I am not going to lie, I know there is a part of me that just might, for fear of being alone. But when I think about my life without him, I honestly almost break into tears.
I want to be there for him and hope that soon his life will get on track and we can settle down together. However, this is really having a major effect on me emotionally. He knows that and we have talked about it. He has expressed that I mean the world to him and he would do anything for me and wants to be with me. And I want to be with him too!
Saying he can't get a student loan because his ex messed up his credit IS making excuses for him. He's a grown man who worked in the lending industry, just about ANYONE can get a loan even with horrible credit - you just pay a higher interest rate. The mortgage brokers I know make pretty good money so the long hours with little pay makes no sense to me.
Being out of work on two separate ocassions for several months out of the past 18 is not a good sign of stability. There are obvious excuses for not pursuing something of more value and meaning (higher education) that allow him to play victim without stepping up and doing what he needs to do to remain gainfully employed. If he were younger it would be more understandable but he's 33. What if you married him and had kids and 5 years down the road he's still floundering with finding his finanacial nitch? Are you willing to support him indefinitely while he stumbles through what's available rather than working toward a concrete goal and financial stability?
Thinking about life without him makes you want to cry but how much of yourself will be lost if this pattern continues on into marriage and children? Far more than the tears you would shed setting boundaries now.
I know it's difficult for you but for all the understanding you are showing him is getting a job his full time pursuit right now because it should be?