Teasing among family and Significant Os
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| Wed, 06-20-2007 - 11:06am |
Hi,
My BF and I have been dating about 6 months as a couple. We're in our late 30s. We see eachother daily and seem to get along really well. About a month ago he started teasing me, pretty hard. It caught me off guard because he had been so kind, warm and affectionate. He explained that that was the way his famnily is and that it would be hard to change, but he'd try to be more gentle abotu it, and he has.
I went to his family reunion (camping trip) to meet his family and sure enough they all tease. They all smile and laugh and see eachother regularly without any major confrontation, but they tease hard. I was blown away with the persistent meanness at which they all get a laugh. For example, my BF's sister brought her guitar. She's learning and can play only a couple songs, but quite well. He needled her so hard about how badly she played, and only knowing a few songs. I was really shocked. Her response was just to roll her eyes and keep playing or to laugh. That's the right response, I suppose, but gee, he sure was a jerk. Similarly their parents teased everyone, It really went all around with no one getting hurt.
So why would people happily do this. I didn't hear a single compliment given to anyone the whole 4 days, but everyone seemed happy and amicable. It was strange to me.
Any insight into this type of dynamic? I am not sure that I can handle it without a better understanding of why/how people do this to loved ones.

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The last couple of years were a criticism & sarcasm fest though - I don't think he ever gave me a complement or even a "honey, dear, sweetie". I think everyone should be able to take a little bit of teasing and sarcasm, but everyone has their hot buttons.
Just point out to him that if he is going to tease you, he needs to also reassure you. Constant teasing, sarcasm, etc can do a lot of damage to your self esteem - if that is all you get.
Try to nip this in the bud early. Good luck!
Hello again and thanks.
He actually just stopped by a half hour ago with a hug and apology. I happened to do exactly what was suggested by you folks!
I told him that I liked him forwho he was and didn't want him to change or walk on eggshels, but that if he wanted to tease hard, he also had to be reassuring with tender remarks and gestures so that I remained confident in his affections. He thought that was a healthy compromise, so I think this is something we can work on.
He acknowledged that his family was aggressive about their teasing, and didn'tknow why or how it worked for everyone, but knew that it was different than most people's families.
So glad I happened upon this board!
I'm going to be more hard-line than the other posters. Because I happen to believe that teasing is totally unacceptable. Teasing is nasty and bullying behaviour, no less. And just because his family have become so used to nastiness and bullying that it no longer hurts, it doesn't make it OK.
If I were you, my main concern WOULDN'T be how to deal with it personally. Rather, I'd be looking towards the future and thinking "what if we have children". I could not stand to have my child teased by adults. Even if your partner stopped teasing (unlikely), imagine the heartbreak if your child had an achievement and the inlaws teased him and made him feel bad.
What about your child at school. Do you want him to pick up their behaviour and become the school bully?
Sorry, but to me this is dealbreaker territory.
Edited 6/20/2007 6:23 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
to some, teasing can be fun and sexy. the spirt is important too. teasing is a normal part of human behavior to me.
i also believe that it is healthy to be able to laugh at yourself. i also believe that how one feels is all about one's own self esteem (i.e., the ability to laugh and your shortcoming and accept who you really are). also, that you may actually not be a good guitar player and it is okay to still enjoy learning and playing - even to others so they can see your progress.
he seems understanding about her difference or sensitivity towards the kidding or teasing, but that is just me.
but then again, maybe he is a bully and this is a deal breaker.
IMHO teasing, in itself is not nasty or bullying and actually can be quite affectionate. It can also be a tool for a mean person. I just didn't see that as the case here.
This kind of teasing is a way to vent hostility and other such feelings. It is a form of meanness, and I suppose this family is used to it and doesn't take it personally. This is their pattern, and also your boyfriend's pattern. It would be very difficult for it to change, unless he wanted to change it and worked hard at it as well.
Just because it didn't hurt the members of his family, doesn't mean that it wouldn't hurt someone else. Your reaction is normal and natural. If you find this behavior offensive, don't brush your feelings under the rug. Realize that if you stay with this guy and ever get to marriage, this kind of behavior would be an on-going part of your life. Is that what you want? Be honest with yourself. You have a right to be treated in a way that feels uplifting and respectful to you.
Best wishes,
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>>teasing is a normal part of human behavior to me<<
ahhh, well that's the difference between you and I. I know many people who don't tease, therefore I don't think it's 'normal' behaviour. To me, teasing is the behaviour of those with low self esteem. If you put down someone else, it makes you feel bigger.
And I really can't think of one example where teasing can be affectionate, fun or sexy. To me, it's just plain bullying.
To give this context, I should add that I've never been teased by friends or family. Neither my nor my husband's family are teasers. The only teasing I've ever received was schoolyard bullying. As my loved ones don't tease, you can see why I don't consider it 'normal' behaviour. I've simply never experienced teasing outside of grade school.
But no matter what you or I feel, at the end of the day whether to stay with a teaser is up to the individual. But there are plenty of men and families who don't tease, so one can choose to live a life without it.
Edited 6/21/2007 8:04 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Thanks everyone. I guess I need to do some serious thinking.
I don't tease in a relationship much at all.I wouldn't call it my normal mode of action at all. Occasionally I will tease, but not in an area of sensitivity. I am very careful. For example, my bf loves cars and has 4 broken used cars at his place and one of the things he loves to do on a nice day is just work on his cars. He jokes about it himself, calls it his used car lot. Sometimes I will visit and pretend I am interested in buying one, saying nice specific things about his cars. So that's teasing, but in a way that reinforces something that he enjoys in a good way. I should stop those things until this issue is resolved.
What gets me is the teasing about things I am sensitive about. Like I'm a picky eater and I am actively getting better at trying new things, having an open mind. I have told him that it's a sensitive issue and that I will discuss it openly with him, but not be teased. He still prods me about it. Next time, instead of ignoring it I will say, "When you talk to me that way, I don't feel appreciated or understood. Is that what you intend?"
So I will do some thinking, too.
There were so many thoughtful posts in reply. Thank you so much.
Do you tell him when it's a topic that you're sensitive about? I think you need to let him know when their is an issue you don't want brought up even in an affectionate way.
I am actually of the mindset that when done appropriately teasing can be a positive thing. My fiance and I tease each other affectionately and then laugh about it CONSTANTLY. To me, it's like we're saying to each other, "Don't worry. I'm aware of all your flaws, and I still really love you and want you just the way you are." I don't think I could ever marry anybody that I didn't have that type of a relationship with. We do know to avoid topics that the other person is really sensitive about and only do it when we know the other person won't mind.
Here is an interesting article that I think is really worth reading about research that was done by a Ph. D. psychologist who has been studying teasing for over ten years. It talks about the cultural differences between teasing and the purpose that teasing plays in relationships:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19991101-000010.html
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