Teasing among family and Significant Os
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| Wed, 06-20-2007 - 11:06am |
Hi,
My BF and I have been dating about 6 months as a couple. We're in our late 30s. We see eachother daily and seem to get along really well. About a month ago he started teasing me, pretty hard. It caught me off guard because he had been so kind, warm and affectionate. He explained that that was the way his famnily is and that it would be hard to change, but he'd try to be more gentle abotu it, and he has.
I went to his family reunion (camping trip) to meet his family and sure enough they all tease. They all smile and laugh and see eachother regularly without any major confrontation, but they tease hard. I was blown away with the persistent meanness at which they all get a laugh. For example, my BF's sister brought her guitar. She's learning and can play only a couple songs, but quite well. He needled her so hard about how badly she played, and only knowing a few songs. I was really shocked. Her response was just to roll her eyes and keep playing or to laugh. That's the right response, I suppose, but gee, he sure was a jerk. Similarly their parents teased everyone, It really went all around with no one getting hurt.
So why would people happily do this. I didn't hear a single compliment given to anyone the whole 4 days, but everyone seemed happy and amicable. It was strange to me.
Any insight into this type of dynamic? I am not sure that I can handle it without a better understanding of why/how people do this to loved ones.

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i still KNOW that it is a normal and important part of human behavior. what you describe is bullying and not teasing. there is an important distiction and to lump all teasing as bullying is not accurate in any way IMHO. yes, teasing can be mean spirted, but it can also be fun, humorous and extemely beneficial, without being mean - it can actually be the exact opposite of mean.
i will spare you the examples where it is fun and affectionate, but all I have to to do is think of yesterday and the day before for examples for me. in fact, i believe it happens all the time in society and is a part of humanity.
the article someone referenced to is right on...teasing plays a very important social role:
Teasing allows us to:
*Convey social standards and morals of a group.
*Establish hierarchies and play out power differences; alternately, it can bring people down to our level.
*Form bonds; the act of sharing laughter brings people closer.
*Probe or feel the limits of a relationship or the dimensions of another's character.
*Manage conflicting or difficult emotions.
your last paragraph is right on and anyone is free to chose a life without someone else in it. i choose to be with someone that is lighthearted and playful and doesn't take themselves too seriously.
>> i choose to be with someone that is lighthearted and playful and doesn't take themselves too seriously.<<
So do I. You've just described my husband. But he is all these things without teasing.
Wet get our humour by laughing at ourselves, not by laughing at each other. Just now he was laughing about his decrepit body creaking down the stairs. And I laughed with him.
I laugh about my obsessions and fat bits and silly things I say and do. And he laughs with me.
Lack of teasing does not equal having no fun or being overly serious.
Edited 6/21/2007 6:03 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
nor does teasing equal bullying, nastiness and control issues or a lack of ability to be serious.
More from your first post:
Edited 6/21/2007 7:39 pm ET by leavehimnow
As the only teasing I've ever experienced has been schoolyard bullying and nastiness, I will have to agree to disagree with you. My friends and family are fun and lighthearted and don't take themselves seriously...but they don't tease.
In your world teasing is normal, in mine it's totally abnormal. It makes me wonder if perhaps it's a cultural thing. Even though you Americans and we Aussies look similar, our cultures can sometimes be worlds apart.
Or perhaps it's about subcultures. Either way, our experiences and beliefs are very different.
Peace.
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