Tell me what to do!
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| Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:59pm |
Ok, so a little background. My husband left me 44 days ago. We didn't speak about much except bills and such for about 4 weeks. Really we didn't talk for about 2 weeks. Then out of the blue he sends me an email and asks if I want to go to dinner. So we went to dinner on the 5th. Neither of us wanted to part from the other, so we came back to my (our) apartment and talked for a few more hours. He told me that he wants to work on us getting back together, and that he's been thinking about us. We were intimate that evening, and I don't regret it. Through the rest of the week though, he didn't call when he said he would, claims he forgot. When I told him that I felt used (he got sex and then didn't need me anymore), he apologized over and over. Explains he's just been busy and absent minded. So we see one another again on the 9th. We ordered pizza and watched tv while cuddling on the couch. But that was after sex again. Both times he has initiated it. Yes, I went along willingly, but now he says that last week was too fast for him.
He's out of state this week. He's visiting some guy friends that he knows from his online game (big addiction for him!)and (he's never actually met them before). We have talked only a couple times. I wish it was ever day. He sent me an email today saying that he wants to have dinner Tuesday (just dinner and talking). That's when he says that last week was too fast for him. He wants to start dating again (something I suggested weeks ago) but that it means he may not call every day, and that we won't hang out every free moment. He's still not sure about his feelings for me; there's something, but not a lot. He says he misses me a little bit. He wants to be sure that he wants to be with me because there is love, not because it's easy since we've been together for 9 years.
So I wrote him back and told him that I think we do need to talk every day, even if it is just for a few minutes. We're working on our marriage, not boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. I feel that we need to talk daily because I want him to want to move home, and if we don't ever talk, then that won't happen. I told him that I understand that it's not feasible to see each other daily, but that a couple of times a week would be nice. I told him that we just need to be together, even just watching tv, if we are going to put our marriage back together. Then I asked him to add me to his myspace page. He created this page when he left the first time (he originally moved out on my birthday, then came home 2 days later only to leave again 8 days later when I confronted him about emails I found to this 20 year old girl (I'm 30, he's almost 29) that plays in his guild on the online game; he confessed his feelings for her, but she turned him down; he keeps telling me it was nothing, and that I shouldn't worry about it.). I asked him before we had dinner, and he wouldn't even answer me so I knew how he felt. In today's email I explained that I want him to add me and to change his relationship status (says he's single), or delete the page altogether. I told him I feel like he has something to hide if he doesn't want me on there, and we can't put our marriage back together if he's hiding things from me.
He wrote back and told me that he thinks I am asking a lot of him and that he can't promise weekends (seeing each other; I suggested one day during the week, and once each weekend) and he can't promise to talk every day, but that he will try to try. He says that all of this is scaring him.
So I wrote back, a little angry and upset and apologized for scaring him and for asking too much. I told him that I am trying to set boundaries for me, because I don't want him to come and go when it is convenient for him. I have texted him a few times, and he won't reply and this was hours ago.
I am trying to be patient with him. I have asked him to tell me what it is that he wants then. I even told him that we may not agree with each other, but that I think we can work through it. I don't want to let him make all the decisions, and just sit here waiting for him. He doesn't accept my invites or plans (has turned me down twice in the last week), but doesn't like it if I don't accept his. He's being really nice to me, and acting caring and somewhat loving. I really want us to work. I want him to move home, but I know he's not ready for that. With how he is acting, I am not ready for that either. Am I pushing him too much? Do I just sit back and wait for him to come to me? Help me. Tell me what to do.

Hi mberber,
I remember your other posts....
This part of your post jumped out at me:
::So I wrote him back and told him that I think we do need to talk every day, even if it is just for a few minutes. We're working on our marriage, not boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.
While he's unsure, if you keep putting 'rules' in place, he's going to continue to back away.
I have to respectfully disagree with cl-itwinflame. You have set out your boundaries. That is exactly what you should do. You are telling him what will rebuild your marriage. It's not just on his terms which is what waiting for him to come back to you is doing, IMO. You deserve to move on with your life if he isn't interested in rebuilding. Rebuilding a *marriage* means that he has to recommit to the marriage. He isn't doing that. He's coming around whenever he feels like it and leaving you hanging whenever he doesn't.
These are not the actions that I have seen of people who are grieving after ending an affair be it PA or EA. These are the actions of someone who is a cake eater. He wants to have you and someone else. Maybe it isn't the OW that you know about. If he's addicted to online gaming, he's meeting a lot of women online. The fact that he has an addictive personality could mean that he has become addicted to other things, too.
My advice to you is to stick to your guns. You have a responsibility to yourself to set your boundaries and hold to them. If you don't do that, you are caving to him and not being true to yourself. Take care of YOU. I also want to urge you to go see your doc ASAP to be checked for STDs and Hep. Unfortunately, with his lifestyle and the separation, he may have indulged in a physical affair. I would also urge you to use condoms if you choose to have sex with him until he can show you proof that he has been tested for STDs and Hep as well.
In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away
-shing xiong
Why should I just let him come and go as he wants? That's not fair to me. I know that making a ton of demands isn't going to help him, but I do need to establish some basic limits. I saw a counselor for the first time (finally) Monday, and she said that I need to set boundaries.
In one of his emails, he actually agreed to attend marriage counseling with me!
No, the situation with her did not get resolved between us. He won't talk to me about it. He just tells me that it's not anything to worry about. But he still talks to her on the game, and on myspace. I don't know if he still emails her. Probably does. And in order for us to work, he's going to have to stop this personal contact with her. But I know if I were to tell him that now, he'd get angry with me.
Thank you! I feel that boundaries are necessary, and so does the counselor I am seeing. Believe me, there are a lot of other things that I do want to tell him, but I'm not going to yet. I'm trying to start out slow and give him a chance to catch up.
I want him to stop contact with Jessica (the 20 year old).
I want him to decrease his online game time, or stop playing altogether.
I want him to tell his friends and family that he's wanting to put our marriage back together, not keep it a secret. I feel like he's ashamed of me.
I want him to have dinner with me daily, but he can't because then he'd have to explain to his mom.
I want him to move back home so we can rebuild our marriage.
I want him to tell his mom to butt out, and to tell his sister to be nice to me, because I haven't done anything to them. What happens between us is our business!
I want him to stop hanging out with his friend Eddie until Eddie can tell me that he's going to be supportive of our marriage, and not encourage my husband to contact her.
But he's not ready to do any of that right now. I know I need to give him time. And since he has finally agreed to attend marriage counseling with me, then we will be able to work through these issues eventually.
I don't believe he has anyone else. He's not that type of person. He's to unsure of himself and scared. That's why he sent her an email in Jan. telling his feelings because he would never be able to say it on the phone. I can't convince him to talk to me most of the time either, he prefers to email. I guess he just doesn't understand how things get misconstrued in email. Maybe I am being naive, but I really don't think he's had a sexual affair.
I actually agree with boundaries, just not with the rules you want to put in place.
A boundary is if you see him, you don't have sex with him.
A rule is: he has to call daily (and you demand it).
I didn't say he had to call me every day. I just told him I wanted to talk every day. I can and will call (do now) more often than he does, I just want to be able to talk to him about our days. I didn't think I was telling him what to do, but I can see where it may come across as that. I don't know why he's not accepting my invitations. Last week I offered to cook dinner for him on Friday, and he was supposed to rent a movie. Well, he did come over. He didn't want me to cook, says he really wanted pizza, and he didn't rent a movie ( I don't know why) so we just watched Lost and House on the DVR. Yes, I did enjoy being with him, any time is better than nothing, but it does hurt to not have simple plans accepted. I asked him earlier this week through email if I was going to get to see him Sunday for lunch after I get out of church (he returns Sat night) and yesterday he wrote back and said no because he needs to do laundry and stuff to get ready for work. I feel like he just doesn't want to explain to his mom where he's going which is why he says he can't promise to see me at all on weekends. I don't say anything to him about it, because I do want to accept what I can get from him, but it still hurts you know.
Thanks for putting all the other posts on here.
Now that I have a better understanding of what your "boundaries" are, I think that perhaps a better understanding of what boundaries are is something you might want to discuss with your counselor.
"A boundary a personal property line that makes those things for which we are responsible. They define who we are and who we are not.
Physical boundaries help us to determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.
Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions.
Emotional boundaries help us to deal with out own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others."
From "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
What you have described are things that you want him to do. Those are his responsibility. Your responsibility is to YOU, not to his actions. A physical boundary would be that you will not have sexual relations with him if he is having sexual relations with someone else. A mental boundary would be that you will continue to believe that emotional affairs are wrong. An emotional boundary would be that you will not continue in any conversation with him in which he is trying to justify his addiction to gaming.
Do you see the difference?
My only other comment on this post is that you say you want him to "decrease" his playing time. If it's an addiction, that is not possible. It's all or nothing with an addiction. It's no different than an alcoholic.
In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away
-shing xiong
Thank you amcanmom, that was beautifully said.
I'm starting to get it now, I think. I do see that what I asked of him are like rules, and after talking with him last night, he's not ready to do those things. I just need to accept what he can offer. He was frustrated with me because I was freaking out yet again. I said something in an email that was taken wrong, and he got mad. Then he didn't retun my phone calls, emails, txt msgs. for24 hours, and by then I had myself so worked up. I think the fact that it is spring break, and I have been alone all week isn't helping either. I don't have work to keep me distracted. But anyway, on the phone last night he was angry and just flat out told me that I needed to stop it. I needed to stop being so needy. It was a wake up call. I needed to hear that from him verbally, not in email.
I just explained that I feel really insecure and unimportant about everyone and everything in my life right now. I asked him to be patient with me just like I am trying to be patient with him. I did also tell him that he really needs to explain to me, or show me what it is that he wants right now, not just keep telling me that last week was moving too fast. I don't want to overstep and make him uncomfortable
He did tell me something rude, even though that is not how he meant it. He told me that everyone he knows, family and friends, all keep telling him that he doesn't need to come back to me. The more I thought about that, the more upset I felt so I sent him an email saying to please not tell me those things. It just made me feel even worse about myself, that I didn't realize that I was such a horrible monster in everyone elses eyes. I did tell him that most everyone I know wants us to work through this, and that I don't tell him the rude and mean things that my friends and family say about him because I don't want to hurt him, and I don't believe them. He wrote back and said that he only told me that to show me that he is willing to try, no matter what. He didn't intend to hurt me, but that he won't say anything else aobut it. I guess he just doesn't get how insecure I am right now, if he doesn't think that their words won't bother me.
Ok, so boundaries.
Physical: I will not reach out to touch him in anyway (hand hold or caress, snuggl up to him, hug or kiss him) until he says or shows that it is ok.
Mental:I will ignore any negative influences on my marriage.
Emotional: I will not freak out if I don't hear from him. I will not have any negative conversations with him about his mother. (He made that choice to move in with her, not me)
So how's that? I think I need to look for that book.
Here are some websites that will help you understand boundaries more:
http://www.lcsnw.org/familyvalues/2001_08_Boundaries_Line.html
http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/all.html?HTML=Html+Version
http://sdldssingles.info/handouts/ItTakesTwotoMakeOneLargePrint.pdf
In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away
-shing xiong