Terrible Thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Terrible Thoughts
7
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:27am
Ok here goes. I feel slightly ashamed and embarrassed to be even talking about this. But i think, I need to find out if i'm just low on self-esteem or am i normal. I need to know if i'm the only person who reacts this way and if its normal. And if its not, then HOW do i get to be a normal, sane person when i'm in a relationship?

When I start a relationship, I dont know if i manage to pick all the wrong ones (because i've heard women sometimes beat themselves up emotionally by continously picking losers) or is it that MY behaviour during a relationship is what makes them start losing interest in me??

In my present relationship, which is still very new, three months old, he is 30 and i'm 26. We had an AMAZING connection, talking like crazy all the time, very attracted to each other etc etc. i felt like he was a guy version of me. he was open, communicative, easy to talk to, genuinely interested in my day.

then i started falling in love. why not right? i thought i found someone worth my love. but my love is not an easy thing, its an animal that takes over me and sometimes, acts on its own.

Now this has happened in previous relationships too. I start to disregard my self, my family, friends and work as boring, stifling and only look to this guy, George, a call or a meeting with him that will put me in a good mood.

i mean, even if i'm busy at work, or with a friend, my mind is constantly with George, wondering, what is he doing. why hasnt he called yet. ISNT THAT NUTS??

want to know something CRAZIER? when i AM with George, i sometimes get shy/anxious/clam up. i am not able to BE MYSELF in this relationship. and its not the first time. I'm like this in EVERY relationship. (I've had three before). i'm constantly thinking, 'is he bored with me? am i funny/interesting enough? am i making the right conversation here? what is he thinking/feeling?" i get all needy and clingy. it sounds yuk evento me. if i feel that a phone conversation has not gone well, i blame MYSELF for it. why??? who even cares right? its just a phone call, if he loves me, he should just be able to talk and not be judging my conversation skills! and guess what, maybe he's not even doing that,but in my HEAD HE IS.

i feel like if i'm not with the other person i'm not happy. i constantly am waiting for his phone call, gesture and words to feel reassured. if he does not call, I GET DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS. I tend to push away other friends/activities that i perfectly used to enjoy because i'm not with him.

I burn my candle at both ends. when it invariably fails my cycle of feeling unlovable is up again. i feel mostly sad cause i lost him through my fault of not being comfortable and relaxed enough to be MYSELF in the relationship, thus having it fail.

one thing in my favour: i have a lot of pride and have NEVER pressurised him about any of it. i never nag him to call or call him 100 times a day asking, "you said you'd call, why didn't you?" i dont even call once. he does all the calling. i keep my distance. if he wants to go out with friends, i show him that its ok with me. but i amsure i must have given him some non-verbal signs about my neediness.

In the beginning, when he was very attentive, loving and reassuring, i was also very confident, funny, and a fun person to be with. when he started acting withdrawn, it started driving me crazy but i did not show it to him. i kept my distance also. but i would obssess about it and worry why he had changed. and i KNOW THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

I should not have to RELY on HIS love for me to make me feel confident and lovable. relationships and feelings should not have to be like this. i NEED TO FIX MY HEAD. so that in this relationship (if it LASTS that long) or the next, i am able to be my happy, carefree, confident self with my own interests and activities that i enjoy and pursue regardless of my SO's feelings for me. basically i need to love myself first and then maybe i can relax enough and the other person will automatically start loving me.

now, you may ask, she has the problem all figured out, what is she writing here for. the BIGGEST problem for me is HOW DO I START BEHAVING NORMALLY FROM THE INSIDE??? do i need counselling? do i need therapy? whats the matter with me, why am i behaving this way and how do i get myself to stop being such a clingy bore? thats SO NOT who i am inside!!!!

i have to start changing my basic thinking and behaviour in a relationship and i dont know how. i know this could be one of the biggest reasons why i'm still single while my friends are all either married or in fulfilling relationships. i know that this is wrong but i dont know HOW to fix it. i'm so blue. the worst thing is i've just started figuring this out about myself. only in the last few days did i literally step outside my emotional head and start analysing myself critically, and came up with these bizarre behaviours.

please. i am desperate beyond measure. such low self-esteem or whatever the hell it is, is not normal and i SO WANT TO BE NORMAL. please please anyone with ANY ADVICE, or someone who may have been in a similar situation before, i'm reaching out to you now. you could be saving my emotional sanity. so please, i beg you, help me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:08am
You have tuned into what you do and how you react. You have seen a pattern. That is a good first step.

Why not try counseling to find out why you do this to yourself, where you learned that you are not good enough, why your total happiness seems to be on this one person, why you are sacrificing your friendship and activities for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 1:35pm
I agree with Gina that you already took an important step. You understand that your behavior is hurtful (especially to you), that it is probably caused by low self-esteem, and that you need to change.

While I encourage you to look for a professional behavioral therapist, you can start out by listing the possible roots of your low self-esteem. Do you have weight problems? Did you do something in the past that you are ashamed of? Do you have a past or present of substance abuse? Were you abused, physically or non, by relatives or exes? Is there an important life goal you feel you haven't accomplished?

While some of these may be fixed (weight problems, debt problems, addictions...), other factors may require the realization that it was not your responsibility. If you were abused, well, it was the abuser's responsibility, not yours.

In short: i am not pretending to be a therapist, but you may start out with gaining control of factors in your life that are under your control, and fix those. This may be a good start towards higher self-esteem. Still, get a good therapist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:18pm
Thank you for your thoughts. It really helps to have these few simple tips. I realise i need a lot of work to get my self-esteem back up. thats my main problem, how to go about undoing 12-15 years of this negative self-image. I know ever since I hit my teens and became aware of boys as "boys" the thought of entering into anything with them was beyond terrifying for me. The thought of entering a relationship with an ACTUAL boy was nerve-racking and i would be anxious and clam up on dates, with the result they probably thought i was just plain boring. But friends and family find me intelligent, funny, smart and a riot! isnt that ironic? I have no idea why, probably cause i had two older, prettier and very popular sisters who were very sucessful at dating and i felt i could never live upto that? If i could just figure out WHY i am having this basic, almost panic reaction to the idea of a relationship and why i always automatically feel that i will be a total failure at it then i may go somwhwere from there. i dont think i've ever heard of anyone else with this kind of peculiar problem.

sorry this is long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 3:08pm
'If i could just figure out WHY i am having this basic, almost panic reaction to the idea of a relationship and why i always automatically feel that i will be a total failure at it then i may go somwhwere from there.'

So what do you think of the counseling idea. That seems the only way to get to the bottom of this. Really. Cousneling is a great thing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:45am
Thank you Gina. I have already looked up several good places where I can go today. I think I will probably go to a doctor being referred by my gynac. She's very reliable and I think I can trust her reference. I WILL get back to let you and all those who've taken time to read this about how i'm doing.

Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:03am
Wow! When I read your post, my initial reaction was like "oh, yeah, EVERYbody feels like this, no problem!"...then I read the replies and thought "oops, guess I'd better get on the phone to the therapist right now!"

Maybe that's why when I met my husband, and he was so quiet and he was "willing" to be with me, I just figured it'd work out. Too bad I'm not sure I was ever really in love with him...

The thing that struck me the most was the "clamming up" part and the total exhiliration part. Being perceived as personable and witty and fun when in a group, and then turning into a total idiot when "he's" around.

But, honestly, I thought that was normal. I thought everyone felt like they were still 12 years old with that horrible self-image and that crippling self-consciousness.

Guess I was wrong. But, even if it's not "normal", you are definitely not alone.

For whatever it's worth, I'm 39 and I STILL get embarassed walking by a group of teenage boys (as if they were going to make jokes about my breasts, or lack thereof). I STILL feel like a graceless dolt when I have to go out "in drag" (you know, dressed like a "grownup").

Let's put it this way--my therapy appointment is on Thursday. When's yours, we'll compare notes and see who's more messed up? Meanwhile, it sounds like you're on the right track trying to find out what it is that's "wrong" and trying to fix it.

I sure do hope you find out BEFORE you end up getting stuck with some guy who feeds off your insecurity for his own needs without letting you get what you need out of the relationship. You should have the right to feel a sense of security within any of the relationships you choose to pursue. Even I know that... :)

Cheers, Biermadchen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:31am
Wow....you feel the same way too? I thought I was the only person who acted/reacted this way.

For what its worth, it feels comforting to know i'm not alone in feeling this way. But what would feel even better is if BOTH of us got past this, because I have a gut feeling that its NOT normal. You know what, I think we SHOULD compare those notes. I'm hoping to fix an appointment for today. and i'm definitely going to let you know if 'we' are normal or not. :)

You know, I read something somewhere...cant remember if it was a wise person on these boards or some relationship article. They wrote "When you're in a relationship with someone who's a right fit for you, it's not a struggle. It's pretty easy, even during times when you disagree, etc. There's an overall feeling of satisfaction and contentment that comes without you even trying or thinking about it."

Does that sound anything like how you feel in your marriage now? Doesnt that sound like an ideal? Let me ask you this...when you are with close friends, family, whoever is significant in your life, isn't it just simple and easy being around them. Isn't it just plain EASY TO BE you around them? Shouldn't it be ten times more important to feel that way around your SO/boyfriend/husband...someone you may marry/spend the REST of your life with. Its too long a time to feel breathless and anxious and apprehensive and self-doubting. No way. I'd die of a heart attack by the time i'm forty. lol

So here's good luck to both of us.

PS I am just asking out of curiosity and I hope you dont mind. since you did say you are married now to the person with whom you used to feel shy, does it get easier and more relaxed with time, or do you still find yourself being shy and clammed up aroudn him even now at times??? it would help me know what i'm looking at myself.