Terrified and Ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2007
Terrified and Ashamed
8
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 12:51am

I am ashamed of my actiosn in the last few months and am terrified of what may happen now. Can you please advice me on what I should do.


I am happily married. A few months ago I met a man to whom I was hugely attracted to. Despite my husband telling me not to, I continued to secretly speak with the man and meet with him. A month ago, one night he came to me at work as we became phyisically intimate. After that however he completely ignored me and didnt answer my calls for a week. I emailed him, telling him how I felt but he didnt respond. When he did respond (on the phone), he was very casual, and didnt mention anything about what had happened between us.


I got angry. I hacked into his email account and read through all his emails. I found out he was having an affair with someone else and there was evidence of the correspondence they had shared. I made copies of it and sent them to his wife.


Now he suspects that I did it. I dont care about him anymore at all. but I am terrified that my husband may find out, or worse, that I may be arrested or something. Should I tell my husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 7:07am
I don't think you've quite done anything illegal. But yes, you should tell you husband. The alternative is to risk having the people you've hurt turn around and play your own dirty game back at you. Better he find out from you than someone's hurt wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 9:59am

"If the company finds out you hacked into his email (and they have ways of finding that out)you could very well lose your job."

Whoa, I didn't read that in there. I guess I was under the impression that this was taking place in personal Email and not work Email. If she got into his work Email then yeah the situation would be a lot worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 10:03am
Yeah when I read that it send chills... I assumed it was work email, since this has happened at work. It's not a pretty picture at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 12:01pm

Be very clear about your motives if you decide to tell your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 12:48pm

Welcome to the board hawwahaseena,


For the aspects of the affair you might want to post here: Ending an Affair Support - someone there may have done something similar and can relate better.


While you said you are happily married, I would say that your actions speak a different story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 12:54pm

Totally agree. Telling the husband would achieve nothing more than further devastation - as if the situation wasn't bad enough. I'd say if she wants the marriage to survive she needs to do everything in her power to make sure the husband never ever finds out. This would be the last nail in the coffin and NOT the absolution and resolution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 2:02pm

Welcome to the board,


If you were actually happly married you never would have started to affair. You obviously felt that something was missing from your marriage and you found it with the guy you had to affair with. Maybe you are in denial about it.


I don't think you will get arrested, but you might get fired if it was his work email you broke into.


How do you think your husband will react if/when he finds out about your affair? Do you want to stay married to him?


I think the best thing for you to do at this point is find another job and get away from this other guy. Than go to counseling to help you figure out why you did all of this.


Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 5:28pm

This is certainly a difficult situation. If you do choose to tell your husband, you must be prepared for his upset and changes in the marriage. Prepare for this by getting a therapist so you can have help in working through the many feelings that will come up. In fact, it would be a good idea for you to see someone now, before you actually tell him, so you can have better understanding of why you did what you did and how you can handle the possible ramificiations. During therapy, would be an appropriate place to decide whether or not you should tell him, or what actions are helpful to take.


Best wishes,