Thanks for your reply's
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Thanks for your reply's
| Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:22pm |
Thanks a bunch for your reply's. Here's my next dilema, my husband called me and said that his ex wife called him and said that his daughter changed her mind and told her mom to call me and have me come over. So he calls me and says after a dr. apt. they are going to call me. At this point I'm emotionally exhausted, but I think I should still go over. So I wait and wait and no call. Then today I noticed a call on my cel phone from their house, but no message. Now I'm feeling somewhat irritated, and the drama is getting to me. If I'm invited over again should I accept or decline. I think she knows her dad is irritated with her, so in an attempt to keep him on her good side she's willing to let me come over. Maybe? Just got the call and they invited me over for tomorrow, and I accepted. I think declining would only make things worse. Now we will see if they call and cancel. Should I just go and be nice and act like everything is alright, or should I say something? What I'm afraid of is this. My husbands ex has used their kids as a pawn to get her way and control him, now I'm afraid his daughter is going to do the same. This visit is only to ment to put a bandaid on the real problem. I feel like this is only the beginning and I'm afraid this is the way she is going to be. She had a great teacher. He will be a father figure to this child, as the biological father is out of the picture. Frustrated and not thinking rationally. Help..

Objectively speaking - it's the daughter's right to hold her perception of you, the marriage, her requirements of her child. In that light - her not accepting you is her right...and that means she should bear the consequences/results of it.
And it's the ex's right not to like you, or the marriage to her ex, and want no contact or afiliation, to jerk him around with all these requirements and stipulations. In that light - her being like she is is her right, and that means she should bear the consequences/results of it.
And you....here's MAYBE what you don't like but haven't separated it out enough to realize. You probably know that you can't make the daughter or the ex like you, or affiliate, or associate or accept, you probably realize you can't make them stop changing their minds and their requirements. What BOTHERS you is that you sit there at the door - (envision this and it works) while they open and close it at will but you never get in, and yet you never leave he door - waiting for it to be opened.
That is a position of you standing there saying "whip me, beat me, tell me I'm cheap, reject me, dismissed me, ignore me". What you don't like is you standing there while all the people/situations you can't control do what it is they're doing - and the 'result' is them geting wht they want - no contact with you - while you sit there getting spurned, rejected, refused, and dismissed.
So...keep with the visualization - leave the door. Don't stand there waiting for it to open, only to slam shut in your face. It's NEVER going to open to meet your needs, to prioritize you as an individual. If that were a possibility - it would have happened long ago, and it would have had HIM at the core pursuing it - or disassociating except on HIS terms, which two can play at this "game" (I hate calling it that - it's not by a long shot). He's diong the providing - and if he can't see that he's in a position to have demands nd requirements by his standards and prioriites - he's a wimp! He's so afraid of getting cut off he offers everying in the world just to remain in some position of pitiful association that they kick him for to his face, and laugh uproariously behind his back.
Don't get pissed at them...don't get upset with him....Objective, stay objective - everybody is entitled to want what they want and do waht they do. It's how you respond/react/affiliate/utilize it in your life for your needs and your goals that count!
So, leave the door. I didn't say leave him, or the marriage. But acceptance is a requirement. You can like or hate what you "accept" and it allows you to see the bigger picture and options within it.
So accept that these people don't like you because of the office you hold, or the threat you represent by their way of thinking...and they don't like him either - so as a result they wouldn't care much for you. If he wants to pander and placate, and pose and posture so that they "let" im see his daughter and grandchild - he can. But all he's got to do is tell you of his schedule - so that you can pursue your own goals, passions (not sexually), and intrests while he's taking up his time with his daughter and grandchild - which it is natural that he wants to affilite and should if he can. That's he's doing it from the position of a beggar - it's his choice because he gives them that. You can't change that either - so accept it.
And you live by your standards, values, ethics, and principles at all time. If you run into them - be polite if your standards require it. But don't "stand there" while they socially slap you repeatedly. And if you encounter questions from the general population - be honest. You're not welcome in that facet of your husband's life by the choices that ALL 3 OF THEM are making to get their needs met. So no, you haven't seen the grandchild, or the daughter, but you've really made progress on your running and it looks like your marathon finish time is going to beat your expectations by several minutes!
You get the point...you can't force people to want what you do, or need what you do, or prioritize or value you or your needs. But what is intolerable and doesn't need to be engaged in is you STANDING there allowing yourself to be whipped, beaten, denigrated, ignored and dsimissed as if you're irrelevant, unworthy, inadequate, inferior, or inept and taht you're "getting what you deserve".
You'll be amazed at how much more favorably you view your husband - when you realize he's not standing in the way of your acceptance from them, nor is he involved in that issue whatsoever.
these women don't meet your standards...so why would you want to affiliate. And before someone jumps all over it and says but this is her husband and she's got to prioritize what he does to some extent, and she can't help that these people are hurting her feelings - I say now-I totally agree. YOu nd your husband do need to share values and priorities and these people ARE hurting your feelings and there is nothing either of you can do about it. So your perception is your reality, it'sthe position from which you deal. the ONLY choice you have is to adjust your approach so that while this goes on as itis ad infinitum - you're not being slowly destroyed from enjoying your life and what is out there to bring you happiness, success, security, completion, and satisfaction in every regard.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
But this works..it's not a bandaid to a surgical problem - it's a solution for you!
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com