Is there anything I can do?
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Is there anything I can do?
| Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:46am |
This is going to be a long one. I've been in a relationship for one and half years. I met this guy at the same University where I am studying. We were both foreigners there. When I met him he had a girlfriend of 3 years back at home and he told me about it. This didn't bother me so much because it appeared he really was getting over it because of the distance. But just to be sure, I told him that I wouldn't want to be involved in some sort of triangle so he had to end his relationship before we could start anything. Three months later, he convinced me it was over and we got really close. But this wasn't to last. 6 months later, it turned out that when he ended his relationship, his ex went to his parents and to all his friends back at home and so all of them turned against him. So he came back to me and said he really needed time to sort his issues out. At this point I was very upset because it appeared to me he couldn't make his own decisions so I also decided to take a break. After 1 month I decided to end the relationship (with great difficulty). However, 3 months later, he was back on his knees again and assured me this time he's completely decided and that he had sorted out all his issues. I reluctantly accepted him back but thereafter, I was glad that I did because there were surely no elements of his ex in his life. That was last year Sept and we've been together till recently (February) I had to move to India for 1 year for a special project. The plan was for him to join me for 1 month or two begining this month. It was quite nice for 2 months after I came to India and we always called each other. Then last month I found out that he sent somebody who was travelling to his home town with a parcel to his ex-girlfriend. I asked him and he didn't deny it but he insisted the parcel belonged to his parents and the only way he could pass it to them was through her because she worked closer to the guy he was sending. But this was not convincing and I was really upset. I decided to cancel all the travel plans we had and told him not to see me. I asked him to honestly tell me if things are over between him and his girlfriend but he said that due to pressure from his friends and parents, he would have to go there to formally end it. He hasn't been home for 2 years and he isn't going till July when he completes his studies. I also asked him if he still loved her and he implied he did and answered stupidly that "anything can happen". Meaning there is a possibility he could still marry her. I told him I can't stay in this situation and chose to move on. Its been 2 months since I made this decision and its been so depressing. Especially because I'm out here on my own with no friends. The most difficult thing is that I left him with all my things and he is kind of hanging on them to ensure I communicate with him. He still insists he loves me and that he's been so depressed and confused about his situation. I'm completely hurt about him but I'm also convinced he doesn't love his ex anymore and that he just wants to please his friends and parents. I know this may sound stupid, but I'm still convinced I'm the woman he loves though I don't know how I can get him out of this state. I would like to get back with him but not when he can't make his own decision. I know this sounds crazy but is there anything I could do?

This is hard to hear, but here goes - Erin on these boards would say, people do what they WANT, period. He's doing exactly what he wants. He's held on to both of you because he doesn't really know what he wants. As for loving either one of you - his actions do not match his words.
Here is what I mean:
I also asked him if he still loved her and he implied he did and answered stupidly that "anything can happen". Meaning there is a possibility he could still marry her.
and
I'm completely hurt about him but I'm also convinced he doesn't love his ex anymore and that he just wants to please his friends and parents. I know this may sound stupid, but I'm still convinced I'm the woman he loves though I don't know how I can get him out of this state. I would like to get back with him but not when he can't make his own decision.
You can't make him do anything. He has to stand up for what he wants and do what it takes to get there.
Personally, I'd take myself out of this equation and let things happen as they may.
Carrie
it sounds like he speaking "loud-n-clear" only you keep searching for the 'real him'. don't. this IS the real him. sounds like he is 'expected' to marry this girl, and was just trying to break out of the mold. its not working for him.
this is unhealthy. you already know that he was lying to both of you.
it also looks like part of the attraction is the fact that YOU are feeling 'out of sorts' in a place that is not your homeland. it may be time for you to either move back 'home', or else find other ex-pats in India.