Is there anything I can do as of now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
Is there anything I can do as of now?
2
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 7:52pm

It's a long story. I'll try to make it short.

I am 23. He just turned 24. I'm in NYC. He's in England. He's been in love with me since he was 11. We didn't admit it to each other til we were 14. Our parents knew and supervised. We met for the first time at 17. We ended it at 17 in heartbreak. We reunited at 20, got engaged at 21. Everyone was thrilled.

We normally spend months of time together traveling and hanging out...but we haven't seen each other in 8 months. We were supposed to marry in November and I was getting ready to move my stuff over to the UK in about 4 weeks and we were going to come back and file all my paperwork.

All of a sudden he's gone into this massive depression. He starts telling me he has no capability to love me or anything and that I'm "too intense" and "he can't handle me" and "the whole world is grey." He also starts telling me that he cares enough for me that he wants me to find someone who makes me happy. I love HIM though, I was perfectly fine and accepting of HIM.

After sniffing around after he started acting strange, I find out from his relatives that he's hiding at LEAST £30,000 of debt and that's about $60,000 American. He's filing bankruptcy. I knew of the debt but I had no idea it was so high. Hence why he tells me "He can't give me what I want." On top of that he has a business, which I did know about.

Come to find out, he trashed his credit so badly he can't get an apartment. (No surprise there.) He went from happy and excited to have me to all of a sudden, he has no place to put me so he tells me not to come and move on with my life. He's talking about leaving the country to start over but won't tell me where and tells me he wants to be alone. Now I have a nonrefundable $700 flight, no place to live as of August 31st, and I'm unemployed.

He goes "We're obviously both miserable in this relationship." That's all I get. He still talks to me. I asked if I should still come and we should sit down like adults and discuss this, if even for 2 weeks of my flight ticket. He keeps telling me he has no idea what to do and he doesn't think it's a good idea. I tell him, "I'm coming anyway, this flight is nonrefundable." I refuse to back down on this.

I've told him to contact me in a week and he goes "Ok, I doubt I'll be around much til then anyhow."

My father's looked at the AIM conversations and already told me he doesn't see anything worth saving anymore. (My six lines to his one)

I don't know, he's still talking to me.

I'm just so sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:24pm

Open your mind and talk to him.

I'm about to make a sweeping generalization about men, so be prepared ;) Most men like to feel, no, *need* to feel they can adequately provide for their partner when it finally comes down to marriage. Even if she makes more, he needs to feel he's significantly contributing. I'm thinking he felt he could hide all this debt or that it would somehow magically improve by itself, and it's now hitting him full force that it's not going to rectify itself. Instead of dragging you into his debt, which will happen if you two get married, he's choosing to succumb and let his despair over this cloud his thinking and his feelings about the whole thing, and about you.

Now, I'm thinking it really wouldn't be a good idea to get married while he has debt he cannot handle, but do you think it would be possible for you to take a step back and figure out together, or let him figure out how to pay down some of this debt? Also, do you really want to marry a man who got himself in deeper than he could manage? AND couldn't tell you about it? Finances are a significant cause of marital stress and divorce, so take some time figuring this out. Being in debt is very shaming, society looks down on it as a whole, sees inability to manage finances as being a major character flaw or weakness. At the same time, people are buying stuff out the yin-yang on credit and foreclosing on houses left and right.

I'm sure your Dad is brilliant, my own father is a genius too ;-) but at some point, you have to figure things out on your own and live your own life. It's not about your Dad, do *you* think there's anything worth saving anymore, is the real question.

Best of luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:28am
Is there any history of mental illness and/or depression in his family? Do you know what the debt is from? Is there more to the depression than the debt?
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