There is more!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
There is more!!!!
2
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 1:28pm
My boyfriend also tell me that he doesn't like to be around me when I am unpleasant. By unpleasant he means when I am sad. Again, how do I seem not sad when he is being mean? There has even been times that I am not sad but quiet, and he say he doesn't want to be around me? By saying that I get my feelilngs hurt. What girls want to know that their boyfriends don't want to be around them for any reason? Is it just me? Am I doing something wrong? How can I show him I love him, and be "pleasant" and happy when he is hurting me? Please help!!!!

-janelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 2:10pm
So bascially he doesn't see that his behavior has an effect on you. He doesn't take responsiblity for his part in it, he equates quiet with sadness AND he doesn't know how to cope with it so he says he'd rather not be around you? Hmm, I'm not sure you will be able to get him to see your point-of-view.

Is this the kind of relationship you want?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 2:32pm
Hi! My husband did nearly the same thing your SO does when I was crying, after HE made me. He had a psychological evaluation (forced) that said he was Schizophrenic (it doesn't always show). Schizophrenics are NOTED for their lack of empathy. He didn't seem much different than other people to me, just that he talked about HIMSELF constantly.

If your boyfriend won't show sympathy and compassion, especially when he causes you distress, it's probably because he really doesn't care. It probably really doesn't have anything to do with what you're doing or not doing. It's just him.

I just read a VERY interesting article on narcissism. I'll try not to go into long, boring detail, but the gist of it was that developmentally, the child didn't get "good enough" mothering to realize that sometimes mommy was nice and sometimes she wasn't (good and bad in everyone), or whoever the caregiver was. So instead of separating from her, the narcissist's identity actually got FUSED with the good image of the mother. (If they perceive her or later themselves as anything but good, it threatens their safety.) Which means that EVERYTHING external has to be BAD. The more you try to prove to a person like that, that you care, love them, etc., the more of a threat you are to their perceiving themselves as the ONLY thing good in the world. When I read that, I FINALLY understood what had been happening all those years. Schizophrenia is EXTREME narcissism. Yet, their plight is poignant.

Maybe your problem isn't as serious as all this, but it sounds like he's not very loving, except when he feels it makes HIM look good. A mature relationship allows OTHERS to have something, too. There's love and sympathy, give and take. If those qualities are missing, I would question if you really want to be in a relationship with someone who's forever ENVIOUS of you. Best of luck to you!