This Thigh is a Little Flabby, Maybe You Should Work Out More

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
This Thigh is a Little Flabby, Maybe You Should Work Out More
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Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:59pm

 

"This Thigh is a Little Flabby, Maybe You Should Work Out More." 

We're having problems. It's over 10 months into the relationship. The thing is this: I maintain that the above comment, said in a matter-of-fact manner and meant to tease is hurtful. Who needs it? 

Here's my question: Is there a woman out there who thinks this is funny? 

When he said it, in the car on the way to buy corn for dinner, I said politely that it didn't make me feel good, and not to say something like that again. Silence for several minutes, we stopped for the corn, and got into the car. 

Which is when he said: "The correct answer to my comment would be 'Oh, so if that's the case, how come I can beat you up the mountain every time we walk?'"

My sister and I have a hunch that not one woman out there would appreciate this sort of humor. It's just not funny. Especially when you're a bit older, in good shape, and can't help the stuff you can't control. Like the fact that you're skin ain't as great as it was in your twenties/thirties. 

Here's the real issue: it seems my man isn't able to accept responsibility for what comes out of his mouth. Which means, perhaps, that he can't see my point of view. 

If he can't see my point of view, we probably don't have a future. 

So, ladies (and even the occasion male POV is welcome) how would you react? I'm curious yellow, green and orange. 

Thanks so much. 

P.S.

We're *talking* about issues. Each of us is choosing something the other person needs to work on. I want him to work on taking responsibility for what he says and the above is my glaring (I think it is obvious, but not to him.) example. 

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Petulia, my husband says things to me which I take in good humour and I tease him in return.  If I have no verbal shot to return to him, sometimes a well timed fart and grin will make my point.   It's all just a bit of fun.    But my friend openly says that she'd be terribly insulted if her hubby said that to her.   But it's this early dating time when we get to know each other and make adjustments to what is and isn't acceptable.   

Anyway, whether or not he accepts responsibility and understands your point of view won't necessarily be indicated by what he says.  In this case, his response was simply him explaining that what he said was meant to be part of mutually insulting play.  But but important thing is that while he may not understand your POV, he can still respect it. 

So, the question is:  Has he teased you about your body since then?    If not, then I would say that he does appreciate that it's not your kind of humour, that it hurts you and he won't do it again.    

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

What a c**p thing to say to ANY woman, but to someone  over 40 who's trying to stay looking her best..???

Rude, inconsiderate, insulting...I could go on. Joke? Yeah, right. I'm sure he was only joking. Say, your 40+ y old man's loosing hair. Would you JOKINGLY say to him 'this head's more and more bold every day; maybe you should get yourself a different shampoo'?

The very least he can do is apologise profusely and never say anything like this ever again.

Also, I've got to be honest and say that at 10 months, there really shouldn't be any issues to talk about. If there are it is usually because the two people aren't compatible long-term. Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

In today's day and age, body image is not to be joked about unless a man is sure that his woman can play along.

That said, if he is serious about wanting a change in you, he should come right out and say it. I told the woman that I am courting that my wife deserves to be adored 110% in all areas including body appreication and so, she needed to get her body fat percentage somewhere in the 20's (it was about 35%) before I would propose to her and would expect her to maintain that after marriage.

That may not sound too kind lacking context but it's a fact that she should know about me regarding my ability to fully appreciate and adore her before she decides to connect her caboose to my train.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You actually said that to a woman & she didn't dump you?  Amazing--but I think it's great that you were honest about it so she could know what she is getting into.  I just could not imagine telling a man that hey, I will only love you if your body is perfect--my exH gained & lost at least 50 lbs. during our marriage due to health issues & what kind of medication he was on.  When I met him he was actually heavy, then he lost a lot of weight w/out dieting, then he took medication that cause him to gain weight, (anti-depressants which  he needed)--then he got cancer & of course lost a lot of weight again.  It was ironic that people would go around telling him that he was looking good after losing weight when in fact it was because of being sick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I'm not sure if requiring a 10% body fat range is asking for 'perfection' because it allows for about a 15 lb. range of fat, not counting variance for lean mass and no she didn't run, she hired a personal trainer and is looking better and better all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2009

If my husband said that to me, my response would be "What did you just say?"  And if he had the nerve to repeat it, I would say "And a lot of what comes out of your mouth is idiotic and annoying so maybe you should shut the f--- up more".

That is inexcusable - and then to tell you how you should have responded??  I think you need to not hold back in these situations going forward.  Most men don't want to fight, and if you come back swinging, he'll probably be less likely to be so insensitive and stupid in the future.

Trying to make him take responsibility for what he says is the logical and healthy approach of course,  but those conversations usually just end up sounding naggy, or whiny to men.

Just my opinion, of course.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

It sounds a lot like how different people joke around.  Some people do need to come out and say what is on their mind.  How it is done is sometimes more important that what was said. 

  Fighting closes communication. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>In today's day and age, body image is not to be joked about unless a man is sure that his woman can play along.<<

Petulia, I agree with this part of Glenn's post.   

Thing is, if insulting banter is a person's way, they do have to find out IF the other can play along.   And the only way to do that is to give it a try.  He's given it a try and it was an epic fail.    If he values the relationship, he won't do it again. 

I'd let it go and just sit back and see what his future behaviour is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

"We're having problems. It's over 10 months into the relationship. "

According to your original post, this is one incident among many.  What does the pattern look like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>According to your original post, this is one incident among many. What does the pattern look like?<<

Good question.  

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