thin line between trust n soc.sec.number

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
thin line between trust n soc.sec.number
18
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 10:22pm
i've been with this guy for 5 mths.and we live together.today we got into a pressure raising arguement.this is how it happened.he asked me did i trust him,and he wondered why i kept my personal things like social security number hidden.now i am private when it comes to things like that.it's not like i do'nt trust him as if he would use it to hurt me or anything,but that is personal.and i dont know if our relationship will be a successful one we are still in the early stages growing and learning each other.he is sweet i care about him and i trust him to live with him and to try to see if our relationship can make it to the engagement stage but for me to just lay private documents around like that i dont want to do that until by my own decision i'm comfortable.and when i told him this he preseded to tell me that i did'nt trust him.now let me tell you that his personal documents were kept locked in a security briefcase.now i understand that thats his private stuff and i dont mind him having it locked away.because we are not married and i feel that he should respect my mind and feelings about wanting to keep that personal until i'm comfortable. so i gave him an analogy,i asked him did he trust me to marry me right now,and he began to say that we only been together for a short period."now i dont put pressure on him like that because i respect time and space" but i told him that i felt the same way about my personal documents like he felt about marriage right now, that when i felt comfortable enough to share that with him no big deal.i felt invaded when he got on the internet and did a search on my name about 2 mths ago without my permission,and right now no i do'nt trust him knowing my social especially now that he made a big deal that caused me to be in a arguement defending something that is totally my own business now i mean i dont invade him like this.am i wrong to feel this way?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:23am
Do not, repeat, DO NOT give him your social security number or bank number. And while I'm at it, how the heck can you move in with a guy so fast and have this kind of issue? He could be a criminal for heaven sake. He could have a locked briefcase full of kiddie porn. He's doing computer checks on you behind your back too? Did you pick him up outside a prison? You grabbed yourself a beauty! Try slowing down and learning more about guys before picking furniture with them. And for gods sake get a safety deposit box to keep important papers in for the next stray you bring home! No way would I EVER trust this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:09am
thats funny about the briefcase"kiddie porn".but we were conversing as friends without going out for a mth. before actually seeing each other.i live 8 hrs. away from my original home state and me and my boyfriend now were friends first he finally came to see me the second month our first date was to go workout together.in other words i knew him as a friend first and just so happen i sort of been struggling with my bills and my lights were turned off and gas so that meant i also had no hot water and he was the friend i turned to for shelter,again i have no family here while i'm trying to get my career together well my boyfriend now at that time we were friends he opened his home up to me.there is no doubt that i trust that he is not a rapest or serial murder. he is very family oriented and even as we were friends he babysitted his nephews.i felt my life was not in jeopardy although this situation did happen quiet fast.i like to add that i am a safe sex person and i happen to be the one who enituated the first moves later on.this is not a situation where someone meets a person without meeting the friends and family and my family and friends know where im at and so far it has been successful but this is one of the bumps we ran into.his credit is perfect so he dont want to have use of my credit for getting money or material reasons because mine is less than perfect.i just want to get pass this successfully and i want to know that we can make it pass this minor thing. its not like i feel he's cheating on me or not giving me time what i dont like is these minor misunderstandings.i want him to understand that i feel my social security is personal and im not comfortable letting him know it right now.cause he thinks that i have something to hide.and he said that he has no problem letting me see his and he went so far as opening his briefcase telling me that i can see his.but i feel thats his business and if we are married or engaged then it becomes mine as well as mine become his.i feel he should'nt feel im "persay" hidding anything from him,i want him to understand this.Please HELP US with your comments and thanks for your ear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:23pm
Get the book - 10 Things Couple's Do to Mess up their relationship by Dr Laura and read the chapter on Secret vs. Private (personal stuff) maybe he will get it.

You have every right to keep some things private if it makes you feel comfortable.

I will tell you a story - a gal I use to work with was in a car accident, when she went to file for disability and unemployment, she was told that she was already receiving both - for the last year. She was shocked. She had to prove that she was working the entire time and that she wasn't collecting the money. The checks were going to a PO Box and they were now investigating the incident. Guess what? She's been broken up with a guy for at least a year and she thinks it's him. He had access to all her 'private' info.


Carrie

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:28pm
What on earth does he want to see your ss# for anyway? Just on principal as proof that you trust him? You should have to *prove* anything to someone who loves you. This is just strange.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:33pm
I agree with the other girls. I'm married and my husband and I NEVER had any # issues. He never told me any numbers and I never told him. I know his PIN for when he wants me to deposit something, but other than that the ONLY time we discussed SSN was when we were qualifying to get into a house. Something like that ISN'T for public knowledge, and although he's your boyfriend, he's public. He's being ridiculous if he expects you to show him all the info, esp when he invaded your trust the first time by looking you up online. Who doesn't trust who in this relationship? You won't show him you SSN, which is NORMAL and he does background checks on you. It sounds like HE doesn't trust YOU, not the other way around.

And I'm sorry...I don't care how nice he is or how many kids he's babysat..you can't just say you know for a fact that he isn't a rapist or into kiddie porn. No one can say for sure, even WIVES. Ted Bundy and Aurther Bishop had families too...who swore they KNEW they would never do anything like what they did...but they still did it. I'm not saying he IS that kind of person, but you've only known him a VERY short time and so you can't presume to know things about him. Maybe YOU should do a background check on HIM is he's asking for private stuff like your SSN. There is nothing safe about that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:35pm
thanks for the advice.i'm going to look into that book.because it's not like he said show me your social # if you trust me.the way this came about was that he was about to clean my car one morning and i told him that he could do it later because i had some personal documents in there,and he was shocked that i wanted to remove them before he cleaned my car.so he asked me about 2 weeks later concerning this did i trust him.and thats how the social # thing came about.he told me that he felt bad that i did'nt trust him.and when i told him about the time he did that search thing on the computer and how i felt about that,he told me that it was nothing that it only finds the residence of that person and that he looked up other people on there before and that he was seeing how accurate that site was because it was a free site.he told me that he did this and this was nothing i found out on my own.thats when i let him knew that i didnt appreciate him doing that without consulting me first.so i think that the book was a good reccommendation thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 7:37pm
No you are not wrong to feel this way. Don't let this guy get a hold of your personal information. You have only been with him for 5 months. Why does he want all your personal information? Sounds a little fishy to me especially when he keeps all HIS personal information locked up tight.

Why did he do a search on your name? Why is he so adament about knowing everything about who you are?

My ex-fiance got a hold of my personal information and memorized my social security number and my bank account number. He used this information to steal $2,000 out of my checking account. It is partially the bank's fault but you see what I am getting at. I put his sorry butt in jail for that one. I was with him for FOUR years and was supposed to marry him. I never thought he would do that to me. You NEVER know and it is much better to be safe than sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:42am
THIS IS LONG!

This is kayenhen’s boyfriend.We both own this account and she told me she would post such a matter online.That was fine with me.

First of all let me add that Mockrie ,you have every right in saying that I may have kiddie porn in my brief case and I would say the same thing if I had seen such a post.There are always two sides to a story.I know most women log on here without the intervention of their men and therefore you all read a one sided story.I never wanted our business on here since some of the responses are discouraging to someone who needs a shelter for advice.I actually wanted us to go see professional counseling but that could be costly if you are not seeing your minister at the church.This is why I am taking the chance with this site.

I have been robbed twice in my apts. and in one instance I had 2000grand stolen from my briefcase.I always kept it under my bed before my girlfriend moved in.

I wanted to wash my girlfriend’s car one day and she stated that she didn’t want to expose important documents in the glove and so I had to wait until she cleared that out.That was fine with me though I felt alienated.How about my girlfriend talking to my folks for the first time and she saying, “we havn’t secured the relationship yet for us to talk to our folks”.Here, I have my girl staying with me and she cannot trust me to go through her glove compartment in cleaning out her car.I said nothing at that moment.I then noticed that she was carrying her purse which probably contained those important documents everywhere she went in the apt.That also made me feel bad.

We were on our way somewhere two days ago and this was early in the morning.Mind you that she wasn’t in a good mood early that morning and this seems frequent during pressure.I probably should have never brought that up in moods like this.This is how it went.

I said “babe I want to ask you something and I don’t want you getting mad at me or yelling”I then asked her why she was hiding the purse and why she did not want me seeing the stuff in the glove box?.I then said it wasn’t necessary for me to see her SS# or whatever document but the fact that I have my girl staying with me and hiding such documents from me made me feel alienated.I then asked her if she trusted me and that answer could be found in her response above.I really do not need to see her social or any other document but the fact that there may not seem to be enough trust for her to do so had me worried.While in the car the argument got heated, my tone is always low but she went off.We ended up missing the exit because I had the directions which was on paper thrown at me twice while driving and I got hit in the back twice.Now, why should we put our lives in danger while driving and she screaming at me for just a simple question?The guy behind us in the pick up truck was even starring and laughing.Talk about tantrums!

This was soo minor that no one needed to scream or even hit each other.I have received 5 hits from her from 5 different occassions.Now let’s say I did start all this crap by asking that question, now did I deserve to be hit and papers thrown at me because I said “I realized she didn’t trust me”? or I interjected when she was talking?(she talks 85% of the time during arguments).

Now I am fare and considerate.I have come to realise that she is not “every woman” I have encountered when it comes to her private documents and I do not need to see those documents, and it was just a question of trust.My FICO/beacon score is above 700, what can I possibly do with hers?There is also this website www.FREEPEOPLESEARCH.COM Which can find people by first and last(this may be wrong since it is bookmarked on my home pc).With these two names a person’s “all addresses” can be pulled.I got this website from a chain mail I recieved.I never thought it would work until I put in my name ,a friends name and my girlfriend’s name.All it displays is the addresses and nothing more.I am more computer savvy than my girlfriend(being a pc tech/software tester) and everyone knows that you need at least a DRV LIC# or + SS# to pull up sensitive DMV info or credit info from sites like peoplesearch.com.All I had was her first and last name.She probably would have understood if she knew the process of doing searches on someone.I even told her about the site I found and how I put in my name,my friend and her name and how it pulled up addresses.She even used the site to try to locate someone while questioning my actions.For me to even tell her what I had done meant I had no intentions.People will assume and be judgemental because they hear one side of the story and I cannot blame the reponses.People will always answer you according to your point of view.I should be an advocate of couples,partners and spouses having joint accounts on here.In this case people can hear both sides of the story rather than telling the spouse on here to get a divorce.For example , a woman was on here talking about her hubby not wanting counseling and not wanting them to go see any friends except her parents.He seemed stagnant and argumentative and people quickly assumed DIVORCE.Did we hear his side of the story ?She also did not want to hear the word ��divorce” in her responses.

My girl is a great partner and I love her very much but could she stop being emotional about little things which leads to screaming or hitting?

All I have to say is let sleeping dogs lie and do not get caught up in minor issues.I agree, that is personal to her and I have come to realise that I do not need to see that info but did I need to get hit multiple times in the car while driving?(not to forget other tinmes in the apt.

THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:13pm
and speaking of 2 sides to a story.this is kayenhen's girl.about the hitting in the car,it was 7:00 a.m on my way to the doctor for my yearly checkup,i was nervous and i wanted him by my side for some comfort and support because bloodwork and stuff like that makes me nervous and by this being a new doctor's office this added anxieties to me wondering was this going to be a clean place or a legit doctor.not to add how spiritually defeated i had been feeling.i was happy to have my man there by my side remember i have no family here,and there are times when kayenhen boy and i have differences of opinion.well anyway on our 38 min ride i just wanted to meditate and get a peace with god that everything was going to be alright so that i could be relieved of this feeling of fear.plus we had the directions on paper but that was one of the reasons kayenhenboy was there to help.about 15 min into the drive i was and had been pretty much quiet because like i said i was trying to meditate to feel relieved of the anxieties.that's when he popped that question.i was not to the place where i felt comfort and then he questioned me concerning not only something that was my own personal business which have it's own thought's and anxieties that comes with that,not to mention that if i did not make this appointment on time i would have to wait until next mth. to even get another appt.well any way i answered him i told him it depended on what was it about.then thats when he brought up the social # thing and accused me of hiding my purse.my meditation was broken and i began to have to explain the reasons and views of how that was a personal thing and it did'nt persay have any thing to do with me trusting him and on and on how i tried to make him understand and get a mutual understanding then he cut me off by saying "o.k. you've answered...no you don't trust me."he made me feel like i was wrong like i was guilty and i did not feel good but on top of that i knew better that i did have the right to reserve my privacy that it did not mean that i did'nt trust him.we had missed the exit we already did not know where we was going and it was 10 min. to my appoint.that's when we began to argue about the issue as a whole to start with that was my own personal business i was defending trying to bring about understanding, we missed exit,my meditation was interupted before i had the peace i was searching for,this even was not a good time to bring this up and i felt he lacked the wisdom to see this,and here he was to me being inconsiderite of my mental state he was in my space arguing he did raise his voice and yes i admit the only way i felt i could defend myself was to lash out i yelled back then hit him on his shoulder.there were no walls that i could hit and i was'nt going to hurt wy hand on the dash." i'm just being humorous".no doubt i know that i was wrong for hitting him.and like i told him i will find another way to vent.but he caused some disfuntional stuff to happen.disfuntion is disfuntion.and the worst disfuntion is the state of the mind stuff that is harbored.and he told me about a previous girlfriend that tried to run him over and at that time i was agreeing with him that something was wrong with her.but now i see from a different view,he just may have provoked her by not allowing her to vent from one of his wrongful accusations it probably built and built,and like i said before harbored stuff is the worst.i'm only calculating from my experience because i know better violence is not the answer.and he left me angry without agreeing that certain privacy is plain ole' private.well i know that you have to reach an agreement and come to the understanding of things in order to move forward otherwise you may find yourself in a stagnated relationship.and that's what i want to do this person because he and i are being honest and open about the depth of the matter so we can function as 2 healthyhearted,spirtitted, emotional,and mental beings therefore we are willing to work at this.because despite the bad that you know of there is so much that make our relationship well worth working out.i luv u guys for your luv and honesty and support.thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:30pm
I just posted under another post that your boyfriend started and in my reply I said that I didn't think it was right that you hit him regardless of the reason.

Now that I have read your reply as to why you hit him, I still have to say you had no right to use violence. You said that there was no wall around to hit. Are you telling us that you HAVE to hit something to get your frustrtaion out? Well, if that is what you are saying you need to read some self-help books and get some counseling. Your man said you have hit him on other occasions. You are lucky that your man does not hit you back. I have known women who would hit their boyfriends, and their boyfriends just put up with it, but then they started to date someone new, and they go to hit the guy, and he gives her a black eye. It is not right for you to use violence, just like it is never right for a man to use violence.

I understand you were stressed, but come on, going to a new doctor's office should NOT cause this reaction you had. There are much much more stressful things that you 2 will have to face if you stay together and you if can't control yourself in this situation, how do you plan on handling the stress that comes with other things - such as a serious health condition, marriage, kids, etc.

I suggested in your boyfriend's post that you 2 need to separate because you moved in together too fast. If you knew each other better, perhaps he would not have brought up this discussion in the car, but since you 2 have been together less than 6 months, how can you expect him to know your moods fully ??

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