Things have been different for some time
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| Wed, 04-28-2004 - 9:10am |
Anyways, we still are not at all back to us. He doesn't ever initiate sex, he doesn't show me affection (even though I bitch everyday that I need some affection) I explain I am unhappy because I need some little bit of affection, he promises he will try, and then he doesn't and we go through the same conversation and he promises and nothing happens, etc... I don't know what to do. I love him and I really want this to work, we have been together almost 5 years and we are moving into our first home very soon. He isn't good with communication at all, or expressing feelings. I have asked him if he loves me and he says "YES" and I ask him if he is sure and he says "YES", he says he wants this to work, but all my bitching about the same thing is just frustrating him. I will admit, I do bring it up a lot. I just get so frustrated when he promises he will try and then he doesn't. He is a wonderful man; he is very sensitive and has never been someone who shows a lot of affection. I always tell him, "I deserve a boyfriend that makes me feel special and important, and I do everything for you that I can and I feel like you don't contribute to us." Part of me feels this is because his work has his mind so busy with this and that, and he was raised in a family that doesn't hand out praise or affection. He says that sometimes he thinks I would be better off with someone who can treat me the way I want to be treated and I told him sometimes I think I would be better of with someone like that too.
But... We both still want to try, we do love each other, it's just so hard to get past this rut that has been going on for so long. Do you think it is because he isn't good at handling issues and he is so consumed with starting his company? Do you think I should back off and stop complaining all the time? Do you think he doesn't love me? Do you think it's just hard to get back after having a rut of money problems and so on? What should I do?
P.S. He is upper 20's and I am mid 20's

First of all, THANK YOU for your reply. I was so shocked to have a man replying and it did make me feel comforted to know I am getting a mans opinion. So... Do you think he still loves me? Do you think that yes he does still love me but for an unaffectionate guy, having someone constantly complaing makes it that much harder to give them what they want? Do you think if I really relax and lay off that eventually things will turn around and get back to normal? Any thoughts from you (a male point of view) would be greatly apprectiated!!!!
To all the women reading this, I really appreciate your feedback as well!!!
Thank you to everyone who takes/took the time to read the my first LONG poll!!
Thanks!
...I have asked him if he loves me and he says "YES" and I ask him if he is sure and he says "YES", he says he wants this to work, but all my bitching about the same thing is just frustrating him. I will admit, I do bring it up a lot. ...I always tell him, "I deserve a boyfriend that makes me feel special and important, and I do everything for you that I can and I feel like you don't contribute to us."...
Let me point some things out that I think are HURTING your position rather than helping. You ask him if he loves you and he says yes and you ask him 'you sure?' When you say that, what you are telling him is that you dont believe him and is he smart enough to know his own feelings because you dont think that he does. Whether that is what you think or not, this is what you project and that is a bit insulting (you'd realize it if he said it to you but we never really think about what comes out of our mouths until someone points it out to us. Over "I deserve a boyfriend who will..." what he is hearing is "I deserve better than you" Period. That statement is accusatory, and listen to it where I pasted it - it sounds bad, doesnt it? If that had been said to me, I would have looked at you and stated quite calmly but firmly, "Well dont let me keep you from what you deserve - I release you from your unloving prison." If Im so bad and hurtful to you, leave.
To get affection, you have to GIVE it, and you MUST learn a way to communicate your feelings clearly, calmly, and without making him seem inadequate or unloving. If you make him feel any negativity from this, he's NOT going to try.
A way that you might have put that is this "I realize that you love me because if you didnt you wouldnt be here, however I get frustrated at the level of affection I am supposed to feel acceptable now. For me, I just dont feel that level is enough. I care for you very much and I love being with you too. It just seems like we cant find a way to show it to where each of us is satisfied. Any ideas that might help?" It blames the problem, not him, it categorizes the issue as the offender, not him, and it appeals to his base instinct of being part of a couple and its BOTH your problem, not just his. (Which is, in truth, how it is)
On "What I deserve..." I would have said something along the lines of, "With our relationship now, I have realized that I need more security than I have now and I realize that affection is a big part of that. I want to be happy in this relationship but right now the situation is not meeting what I see that I need..." Again, blame the issue and dont blame him (at least if you want him to listen anyway) When you accuse someone like that, the first thing they are going to do is shut you off. You have destroyed any hopeful conversation because "You arent good enough for me" is all that he is going to hear. You shot yourself in the foot and you also have caused damage in the relationship with such a statement. It makes him think "Well if Im so bad, why are you still here? Leave!" and that is that.
Over gaining affection, you would be surprised the little things that you can do to gain it and he wouldnt even realize that it made him more receptive, and also more instigating. First of all, and youre going to laugh but its true, - Manners. Every little thing that he does for you from handing you your toothbrush in the morning, SAY THANK YOU. What this does is show him that you appreciate every small kindness that he shows you and your glad he was thoughtful enough to see what you might need. Dont "give me that" but instead "Honey, would you please" or "Sweetie, can you please" Ask, dont assume, and when its done say 'thank you' for listening. It makes him happy that you realize his small actions and that puts him in a better mood, and in turn will you.
Second, find small (very small at first) ways to touch him. Rub his back in bed since he works so hard, cuddle up in the bed for even just five minutes without any sexual overtones and no nagging. Make him feel that it makes you ecstatic just to touch him. Be thoughtful and make a nice dinner or breakfast. When you pass by him, pat him slightly on the hand or arm or stroke down his hair, kiss his forehead, etc.
Last, and most important, SHUT up about begging for affection for a while. You have talked it to death and done it in a bad way. We all do that if our hurts are not answered immediately, if we dont watch. You have went from a valid complaint to whining and fussing. Let your actions stave off the need for conversation for a couple of weeks, its not going to do any damage and instead can make some great differences.
When you do decide to talk about it in a couple of weeks, THINK before you speak. The mouth and the brain are that close for a reason, honey. Think on your phraseology before you blurt things. "You DID THIS" situations do nothing but make problems. Everything can be turned around to where it seems they might not realize. Example: "I was listening to what you said about ___ and it made me feel ___ because what I heard was ____ . Is that right?" Or "I may have the situation all wrong, but what I see is ____ when I dont know if thats what you want me to think." It opens up talking and shuts off feelings. When one gets too emotional, when words arent thought out, BE QUIET and go and get busy with something else. (The dishes are my thing to help me think) Cool off for an hour and try again. Tell them why you stopped talking, "Im sorry I just walked away but I was getting too frustrated and didnt want to say anything else I might regret. Ive thought about what got me angry and now I feel better."
I wish you the best of luck and hope all goes better for you soon.
I do want to stress the part about backing off and not demanding affection. It most likely is making your situation worse and you'll end up even more miserable. You know what I would do in the meantime? I would just focus on doing my own thing. Don't stop interacting with him but rather find things YOU like to do and start enjoying them. But as you do and as he notices how much of a good time you are having, invite him to join you. Don't be offended or make issue if he declines though. If there is one thing I know, men really find it refreshing and attractive when us women are independent and know how to keep ourselves happy and in good spirits. And if you try to broaden your horizons, you might find loads of new interests and a new way to find some of your own fulfillment and gratification. You could reach a point where you won't NEED his affection to define your happiness. Rather you can be perfectly capable of defining your own happiness and then sharing that with him. :)
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
I completly agree with you. Before I read this I deceided that last thing I could try that would be different is for me to not BITCH. I figured even if I have a completly valid reason - I will not complain. My thinking was that even if he is making mistakes, at least if there isn't constant complaints or me pointing out the negatives, I figured it would be easier for him (and I) to be positive and eventually get past the rut.
When you said a good way to gain affection... and I might laugh... I do make sure to praise when he does something positive. I always say "thank you sweetie" or "babe what can I do for you?" As far as the sex, again you read my mind. I have deceided not to mention it.
Okay, you might laugh, but this is the way I am looking at things. You know when you're a kid...and your parents keep telling you to do something - it automatically makes you not want to do it. So, I kind of figure when I put all this negative pressure on him, it makes him not want to do it.
So, thank you for your response. I agree with everything you said. While I do still feel he can be selfish and he really needs to put more effort in... I think I have put up a roadblock by bitching, that makes him not want to do it.
SO, THANK YOU - You are wonderful, I couldn't agree more and I couldn't be more thankful for your reply!!!!
Im not saying that if you have a valid complaint to not call him on it, just watch what you say. (Very hard to do but a necessity) Unfortunately, alot of residual moodiness stays from teenage years for a long time into our maturity and its easy to just put something out there without thinking. The easiest way that I use to do this is to think of what I say and if I say it wrong, it causes damage. That stays in my head.
Basically, pick your battles and equip yourself to where you will win. The right words mean the difference between a fight and problem solved.
And I think you are dead on with the illustration of children with parents. The thing is that with men, the pressure to perform well is enormous to them. If you arent satisfed, they see it as a personal fault, not something going on with you (which is normally what it is) If you seem dissatisfied, he's going to take it HIGHLY personally. (Which will make him dread having sex and WE DONT WANT THAT!!) lol
When you two do have sex, make a game out of it. So many women cheat themselves because they dont communicate their likes and dislikes to the man. But my husband and I found out that the best way to get what you like is to ask for it. I used to wish there was a class about how to please a man, but then my husband taught me what he likes and I did the same and you never get those times when you feel empty afterward. (Plus, if you get a little daring the first time, lol believe me He'll be back! lol) Now I could teach a class, rotf.
But dont let things that bother you stack up either. If its something that you find a very valid complaint, thats one thing. Categorize them into 1. Whine 2. Annoyance and 3. Valid complaint. If it is valid, think on ways that you might put this to him where he will listen.
Every person has a way to help them open up, the hard part is holding a keyring with a hundred keys and thinking "Ok, which one?!" Its there, but you have to keep trying. Any time that you make progress of any sort, ANALYZE it. What did you do differently? What was his reaction? How can you get that again?