You absolutely cannot do without marriage counseling!
Talking to a priest is an okay idea but if I were you I'd more seriously consider someone who is licensed in marriage counseling. I am wary that one who cannot personally marry sees fit give advice to others on marriage and in my experience they give a very general, vague and idyllic outsider's view. If religion is a subject of concern then maybe it's a good idea but otherwise I think it's smarter to see someone with an advanced degree.
If you need to have another child and he does not then you two cannot stay together; having deal-breakers that conflict with one another assures that there is no way you can hope to achieve a happy marriage. Have you looked at alternatives? Would you ever be willing to adopt a child even if you weren't with this one man? It seems as though this guy really is totally against the idea. You seem to be very willing to try to change his mind when yours is made up. I'm not sure I see that as fair, but you do have to look out for your personal interests.
I really can't see wanting another child by the same man you describe as an "absent" father and husband. If you want more children then you want more children for your own sake, to fill some void in your life, not to add to and enhance a family unit that is already great. Bringing up a kid with an absent father does absolutely no good for that child.
At this point, it seems that your options are: a) stay with this guy and only have one child b) stay with this guy, potentially convince him to have more children and become even more unhappy when he resents you for controlling him c) leave and find someone who wants a growing family
Marriage counseling may indeed help you both but it won't change your minds if you're both adamant about wanting different things. I suggest dragging him if you have to, at least that way you'll know you tried. Good luck, this is a really tough one.
I agree that someone with the history you've listed for your DH is someone who could definitely use some time with a therapist, but I'm sure you also know that you can only lead someone so far, beyond that they need the willpower to help themselves.
If he worked two jobs instead of three, would that have a make-or-break financial impact on your family, or is the reason he works so much BECAUSE he is a workaholic?
I don't mean to sound negative but some men just aren't really cut out to be fathers and they don't quite realize it until they have kids. Do you think this sounds like it is the case? Was he really gung-ho to have a baby with you when you first started trying for your son, or did he just go along with what you wanted?
"I think he does'nt want anymore maybe because he knows that we have issues and he's afraid of bringing another baby into this marraige."
If this is his reasoning for not wanting anymore, then he's definitely right... sorry to say :( If you want more children with this man in particular then you need to both be committed to marriage-cleanup and make real progress with one another
ouch. If you really want more children you should try with someone else? That doesn't sound good. I agree with the posters that say you shouldn't be having more children with this man until the two of you do some serious work on your marriage.
Some men become very anxious when they are the sole breadwinners. Could you look into childcare again and get back in the workforce? That could allow him to cut back on one of his jobs (if the issue is financial) and it would allow you to have some time away from home. What if the two of you break up? Not a nice thought, but what security are you providing for yourself and your child? It may be the very best option for you to start making headway in the job world, you can't see now if you'll have to be your child's financial supporter.
You absolutely cannot do without marriage counseling!
Talking to a priest is an okay idea but if I were you I'd more seriously consider someone who is licensed in marriage counseling. I am wary that one who cannot personally marry sees fit give advice to others on marriage and in my experience they give a very general, vague and idyllic outsider's view. If religion is a subject of concern then maybe it's a good idea but otherwise I think it's smarter to see someone with an advanced degree.
If you need to have another child and he does not then you two cannot stay together; having deal-breakers that conflict with one another assures that there is no way you can hope to achieve a happy marriage. Have you looked at alternatives? Would you ever be willing to adopt a child even if you weren't with this one man? It seems as though this guy really is totally against the idea. You seem to be very willing to try to change his mind when yours is made up. I'm not sure I see that as fair, but you do have to look out for your personal interests.
I really can't see wanting another child by the same man you describe as an "absent" father and husband. If you want more children then you want more children for your own sake, to fill some void in your life, not to add to and enhance a family unit that is already great. Bringing up a kid with an absent father does absolutely no good for that child.
At this point, it seems that your options are:
a) stay with this guy and only have one child
b) stay with this guy, potentially convince him to have more children and become even more unhappy when he resents you for controlling him
c) leave and find someone who wants a growing family
Marriage counseling may indeed help you both but it won't change your minds if you're both adamant about wanting different things. I suggest dragging him if you have to, at least that way you'll know you tried. Good luck, this is a really tough one.
I agree that someone with the history you've listed for your DH is someone who could definitely use some time with a therapist, but I'm sure you also know that you can only lead someone so far, beyond that they need the willpower to help themselves.
If he worked two jobs instead of three, would that have a make-or-break financial impact on your family, or is the reason he works so much BECAUSE he is a workaholic?
I don't mean to sound negative but some men just aren't really cut out to be fathers and they don't quite realize it until they have kids. Do you think this sounds like it is the case? Was he really gung-ho to have a baby with you when you first started trying for your son, or did he just go along with what you wanted?
"I think he does'nt want anymore maybe because he knows that we have issues and he's afraid of bringing another baby into this marraige."
If this is his reasoning for not wanting anymore, then he's definitely right... sorry to say :( If you want more children with this man in particular then you need to both be committed to marriage-cleanup and make real progress with one another
ouch. If you really want more children you should try with someone else? That doesn't sound good. I agree with the posters that say you shouldn't be having more children with this man until the two of you do some serious work on your marriage.
Some men become very anxious when they are the sole breadwinners. Could you look into childcare again and get back in the workforce? That could allow him to cut back on one of his jobs (if the issue is financial) and it would allow you to have some time away from home. What if the two of you break up? Not a nice thought, but what security are you providing for yourself and your child? It may be the very best option for you to start making headway in the job world, you can't see now if you'll have to be your child's financial supporter.
Good luck to you and your family.
Cat
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7