Thoughts appreciated
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Thoughts appreciated
| Sun, 08-29-2004 - 3:19am |
Here's' the story. My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years now. He's 46, divorced, 3 kids...I'm 34 no kids, never been married.
Here's what prompted me to ask for input. My Bf and his ex live in the same town, I am about 3 hours away. Which is fine with me I hate the town he lives in! They have done everything they can to maintain a very good relationship so their kids will not have to suffer the ramifications of divorce...kids are 14 15 and 18 now. I applaud that...that they put the kids first in their divorce and did everything they could to make them feel supported and loved. Both my bf and his ex have told me that there is nothing there but friendship for their sake of their kids. But to me they have gone too far.
Here are a few examples. A few weeks ago my bf and his ex took their daughter to college out of state. They stayed alone in a hotel room because there were no other rooms available in town as no one had made the proper arrangements. I had issues with this because to me it is inappropriate for him to be staying alone with a single female friend who happend to be his ex wife...while he is with me. He spends time during the week at her house helping them with home work....2-3 hours a night once or twice a week, when he has his own house. Earlier this week I was calling him, trying to get a hold of him and he had his cell phone off, so when I was finally able to get a hold of him in the morning he tells me he was helping his son with his homework and unintentionally fell asleep on the couch at her house. This sent me over the edge. He insisted it was harmless...and that since he had no where else to sleep since his house in being remodeled that it was ok and I should be more understanding. I maintained that since his house was being remodeled(its only going to take two months) he should have made other arragments like most people do during those times...stay with me, or at a hotel! As a side note, he is not home too often as he is a pilot. He maintains that there are times when he and his ex will do things with the kids that I will not be a part of and that I should be accepting of this. I have a hard time understanding this way of thinking. He sees it that I am trying to come between him and his kids. I see it as him trying to exclude from his kids lives, it makes me feel that he is hiding somthing from me or is sharing something with her that he doesn't want me to be a part of....when he says he feels that there will be times when I won't be around for things. I also think its unhealthy for the kids, that they may be thinking that their parents are getting back together..that they are giving them false hope.
I am all for him being with his kids and having his dad time with them and I would love to have more time with them and their dad. I just wonder why it has to be dad and ex and kid time? Am I wrong to feel that they have gone a bit too far in trying to maintain a good relationship for the sake of their kids? Am I being unreasonable when I expect him to not be spending the night at his ex's house?
Here's what prompted me to ask for input. My Bf and his ex live in the same town, I am about 3 hours away. Which is fine with me I hate the town he lives in! They have done everything they can to maintain a very good relationship so their kids will not have to suffer the ramifications of divorce...kids are 14 15 and 18 now. I applaud that...that they put the kids first in their divorce and did everything they could to make them feel supported and loved. Both my bf and his ex have told me that there is nothing there but friendship for their sake of their kids. But to me they have gone too far.
Here are a few examples. A few weeks ago my bf and his ex took their daughter to college out of state. They stayed alone in a hotel room because there were no other rooms available in town as no one had made the proper arrangements. I had issues with this because to me it is inappropriate for him to be staying alone with a single female friend who happend to be his ex wife...while he is with me. He spends time during the week at her house helping them with home work....2-3 hours a night once or twice a week, when he has his own house. Earlier this week I was calling him, trying to get a hold of him and he had his cell phone off, so when I was finally able to get a hold of him in the morning he tells me he was helping his son with his homework and unintentionally fell asleep on the couch at her house. This sent me over the edge. He insisted it was harmless...and that since he had no where else to sleep since his house in being remodeled that it was ok and I should be more understanding. I maintained that since his house was being remodeled(its only going to take two months) he should have made other arragments like most people do during those times...stay with me, or at a hotel! As a side note, he is not home too often as he is a pilot. He maintains that there are times when he and his ex will do things with the kids that I will not be a part of and that I should be accepting of this. I have a hard time understanding this way of thinking. He sees it that I am trying to come between him and his kids. I see it as him trying to exclude from his kids lives, it makes me feel that he is hiding somthing from me or is sharing something with her that he doesn't want me to be a part of....when he says he feels that there will be times when I won't be around for things. I also think its unhealthy for the kids, that they may be thinking that their parents are getting back together..that they are giving them false hope.
I am all for him being with his kids and having his dad time with them and I would love to have more time with them and their dad. I just wonder why it has to be dad and ex and kid time? Am I wrong to feel that they have gone a bit too far in trying to maintain a good relationship for the sake of their kids? Am I being unreasonable when I expect him to not be spending the night at his ex's house?

It's difficult to be a DAD and get 2nd hand information (from an EX or some family member) about how your children are growing! Obviously...your man's "kid connection" is very strong...and that's GOOD!
Unfortunately, there's a round-about/platonic relationship with the EX...and in your eyes, that's BAD! Pianoguy can understand your nervousness regarding the 'hotel room' and the EX's presence. While everything between your b/f and his ex-wife may be innocent, you'll never be convinced of this...even if the man swore on a stack of Bibles that he didn't do ANYTHING!
Basically...you've got 2 choices.
1. Take a breather from this man for 30 days or more. You've certainly got plenty of options to date because of the 3-hour distance between you. And your seperation MIGHT "wake him up" to the fact that you aren't comfortable with his association with the EX?
2. For now...accept the idea that your b/f WILL spend time at the EX's home in order to bond with his children. The pattern shouldn't (and probably won't) continue indefinitely. However, if you HONESTLY want to understand that this is NOT a 'renewel' of a relationship...but a Dad's chance to be a positive influence in the lives of his children..you might want to lighten up (against the EX) a little?
The choice is really up to you.
Pianoguy
Also, have you two talked about marriage? Do you want kids of your own? Have you met his children?
BUT, since you've brought it up several times and he's not willing to change his behavior, your only choices are to accept him as he is and accept that he's going to continue to do this, or leave the r'ship.
Good luck with that decision.
Sheri