Threatening to cheat/ divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Threatening to cheat/ divorce
17
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 3:48am

My husband and I have always had a rocky relationship. It isn't a secret that the only reason we are together today is because of the kids. We got pregnant only 6 months into the relationship and then got married shortly afterwards. Neither of us was ready for parenthood or marriage, but we stuck through it and even had another baby that we cherish and adore. We act like any other caring, loving family. We are always hugging and loving and kissing, so lately I thought everything was great.

Until now...

He has a fascination with my butt and I have always shunned it. I don't like people going near my butt, especially my 'hole'. He has tried and tried to get me to have anal sex with him and I did try twice - but it was excruciating, even after lubrication and foreplay. I am TERRIFIED of it, but that doesn't seem to matter to him. To me, it seems very selfish of him to ask that of me when he knows how opposed to it I am. Yet, he says I am being a "selfish, immature bitch" for not letting him enter my anus. I am not entirely sure about this, but I know something bad happened in my early childhood that I can't remember. Based on how I react when approached with the topic of anal sex, I think it might have something to do with it. What bothers me the most about my husband repeatedly asking me about it is the fact that I have shed so many tears and he is untuned with my fear and repulsion of the act. Today he threatened to cheat on me because I demand that he not be with other women while he is with me, yet I hold out on his sexual needs. If I want him all to myself, I better be prepared to endure whatever want or need he desires. He says it's all about "what I want" and I never think about him. I wish he could realize what this is doing to me and our relationship and our family. We have it pretty cushy and I can't see a reason to lose everything over this - it is obviously the most important thing to him.

Please tell me, am I being selfish by not wanting to try anal sex again, or should I push my fears aside to give my husband what he 'needs' to be happy? I cannot bear the thought of him cheating or divorce, but I don't see why it has to come to this. Please give me some insight.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 4:12am

I have been doing some reading and it seems like most answers to my question is that guys do this to overpower women. Some guys like to cause women pain. It's an obsession, a homoerotic fascination. Others say it is something not done between people who respect and truly love each other.

I feel we are doomed. I just want him to love and respect me but he obviously doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 8:59am

mommadoodle, I could go into details with you, but the big picture cannot be ignored - This is a marrage that only exists because you have children. If you have to be maried, then perhaps "tolerable" is what to shoot for, rather than "happy". I don't think you're going to be happy together, no matter how hard you try. Not with this kind of man. Don't do anything that you don't want to do, you're not being selfish. The selfish one is the person pressuring the other into giving something she doesn't want to give.

Have you considered just allowing an open marriage? You have a husband who thinks you are a "selfish, immature bitch" for refusing to be his sex slave, so is there a reason you really care whether or not he's sleeping with someone else? I'd be thrilled to let someone else do the job of pleasing him sexually if it meant I didn't have to anymore.

Honestly though divorce sounds a lot easier, and happier, than remaining in a marriage like this. Do you really think your kids want this for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 11:08am

The problem is that I DO LOVE HIM, truly. We live day-to-day in a very loving and affectionate state, but once in a while he throws this curveball into the mix. Why can't vaginal sex be good enough for him? I do anything and everything else but that specific thing he really wants. He is making me feel like I am an incompetant wife and I'm just not good enough for him. I am very posessive over him and I cannot bear the thought of him with another woman. He doesn't watch porn since he's met me and he has never been to a strip club. As far as I know, he has only had sex with one other woman before I met him. We are an exclusive couple and that is the only way I can be in a relationship with him. I am so damaged by other men cheating on me and I wish I could do all I could to satisfy him, but I have to draw the line somewhere to keep a piece of my self dignity.

I am a crazy perfectionist and it's killing me that my life is so imperfect at the moment. I hope he realizes that he is throwing our cushy little family life away for something that is an empty perverse act of selfishness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 11:21am

Would the two of you be willing to discuss his perceived needs and your reluctance with a counselor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 11:41am

Wow, what a selfish prick he is.

I told every guy I dated that I was not going to be doing that, and if he could not see forgoing that act all together for his entire life then he cannot be with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 12:15pm

I'm also interested in hearing your response to Sienna's question.

I do want to note: it's important to realize that love and affection DO coexist with abuse. This is the reason people stay in abusive relationships. It makes leaving difficult because the relationship isn't 100% bad, and it's very confusing. It also makes posting difficult (for both you and us) because you can either be talking from your feelings of love and affection, or you can be talking from your feelings of pain. They are all valid feelings and it's not possible to ask you to choose just one, but if you accept that these feelings can all exist together in one relationship, then you also must accept that if you are to stay in the relationship, you will be experiencing a lot of pain and abuse alongside your feelings of happiness, companionship, and affection.

It makes things extremely difficult for you because you DO have to choose "in or out", and neither choice is ideal. It's not possible to know that you won't be making a mistake either way.

I really hope you can talk with a counselor, because you are not being treated in a way that is healthy or deserved, and that simply cannot continue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 12:51pm

The guy is being an idiot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 2:12pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 2:16pm

momma, I know you don't want to see this, but if the obsession for anal sex brings out a part of him that calls you horrible names and threatens to cheat or divorce you... Anal sex is NOT the real problem. It's only a trigger for the real problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 2:26pm

I am seeing that now. I just can't believe life is falling apart again after everything fell into place. I would be nothing, nowhere without him. I am very dependent on him because I am a stay-at-home mom homeschooling our children. If we got a divorce, everything would be turned upside down. I wouldn't be able to stay home with my kids, we would be a divided family (which is the LAST thing I want after dealing with my mother's multiple divorces and boyfriends), I would have to find a job at a taco stand or something - I have no real world experience.

I guess it comes down to having to sacrifice my happiness and body (once again) just to keep the family functioning. I know it's going to tear me up from the inside out and I will be resenting him and myself and wishing I were dead. The alternatives aren't much better.

Pages