Throw Away Love for Safety of Area?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2007
Throw Away Love for Safety of Area?
4
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 5:22am

Just looking for any help there is. I really love my family. We're all closely knit, I love my brothers, especially close with my mother, and my extended family, we all live within close driving distance, no more than a few hours. Two years ago I met this awesome guy, he lights up my life and our relationship has potential to be great. We started off as friends, but I was in a relationship at the time, until several months down the line he decided to say something to me. I hate change and I felt secure with my ex, but after struggling I decided to go ahead with it. Our time has been great, but there's a few problems. I love him and I know that we have so much going for us, but I struggle sometimes with the fact that my relationship with him might distance me from my family. He is so ambitious and wants to do so much and I can't bear being too far away from my family. It's mostly my mother. My mom says she wants me to be happy and supports my relationship with him, but at the same time makes little comments about how much she wants me to stay close to her. In my mind it's either him or my mom. I have been struggling with this decision and it really has hurt our relationship. I really don't know how I feel, I'm stuck in the middle and I feel like I can't make my own decision. I've never had anything this special, that feels this right, that I know will succeed, but at the same time I don't know if I can disappoint my mom. Regardless of what happens I know that she would be hurt if I ended up with him and away from her. It changes day by day, sometimes I am up for it, sometimes I feel I absolutely cannot handle it. He does so much for me and I care for him so I don't want to drag him along and waste his time. My struggle and fear with this really has taken a toll on the relationship and I really want to be able to be free and love him and worry about this later, but I can't be like that. We've been dating a year and I am not sure. I also have other issues with my self-esteem (I feel like I can never be enough for him, I'm like that with a lot of things though) and to be honest I've been mostly living my life for others. I really would like to make this decision myself, but it's a lose lose. He does not have an issue with trying to find a job in the area and he wants to make things work, but the idea of it not working out is unsettling, I really don't understand why some days I am confident I can handle this and some days I think I won't be able to. It's not fair to him to have to wait on me and lower his ambition and concentrate it in an area for me, just because I am scared right now.

Today he forced me into a decision. He kept saying that he is not going to compete with my mom and kept telling me things like he doesn't care if we stay together or not and that his heart has been sinking because I have been wrapped up in this. Because he forced me and kept trying to encourage us to break up and choose my mom, I ended up deciding I chose the safety and security of this area over him. He then told me a while later that he wanted to try to just make things easier for me so he set up this time so I could make the easier choice. We've been apart this week so it's been easier for me to choose my family and he has purposely been on the jerkier side and it has been killing me. He kept saying that he wish he never opened his mouth and that he couldn't live with the lie that he didn't care. He admitted to me this all telling me that he really wanted to just make things easy for me, but he couldn't hold back. I am feeling empty and this has made me question my love for him. Why would I choose safety over him if I really did? I don't feel anything and I am hopeless. I don't want this relationship to disappear, but I don't know if I have the heart to leave around this area. We're always honest with each other as we tried to build our relationship like that, but it is just frustrating because he can't just go back and pretend like he never said the things he did. I am not sure what else to say, please ask questions if needed. Thanks for the help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 12:01pm

Welcome to the board lopmnop,


Most parents want their children to be independent and happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 1:14pm

Questions:


How old are you? Is he asking you to choose because he wants to marry you? Are you at the point in your life where you want to get married?


If so, your mother is manipulating you and you should be making independent decisions while still remaining close to your mother, yet your husband should come first.


If you do marry this man you need to communicate with him how you will handle your mother and how often you will see her or it will always cause problems in your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 6:58pm

I think your Mother is a bully and you fall for it everytime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 9:05pm
I'm 21 and we both go to school together. I can't keep going back and forth in this decision because it's too hard. I have to choose what I need, not what I want. I need the safety of my family around me. I am getting surer of it now that this is what I need and what is right. I don't know if I'll ever find this kind of connection again, but I know it's what I need. It's either he is happy or I am. He has too much ambition and he won't be happy if he's limited to an area. I don't think I can be happy without being close to my family. He tells me he can be happy near here, but I don't believe him. I can't keep dragging him along. I can't just keep changing my mind and not being sure. How can I give it a try when I don't have a positive outloook on it? My mother is not a bully, we are very close. I talked to her and she said that she just wants me to be happy, but I know she is totally against this and will never be happy because she wants to keep my close.