In a tight spot.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
In a tight spot.....
4
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 9:16am

My fiancee and I have been together for almost six years. I love him so much, and I cannot imagine my life without him. However, he has always had a problem maintaining a job. When I first met him he was going to school full time and working full time. After we had been together about four months he decided to quit his job because he just didn't like it anymore. I was just getting to know him so I didn't think much of it. He then started "job hopping". He would work somewhere for a month or two and then leave for various reasons like his boss was a jerk or it was too far to drive. Then he stopped going to school because the professors of his classes were jerks as well. He kept saying he would start again the next semester, but when it would come time to register for classes he always had an excuse.

Then he basically stopped working all together for about three years. He still lived with his parents and they really catered to him. (He is 32 years old) He would stay home all day, invite his friends over, and play computer and video games all day. His mom cooked and cleaned for him and he really didn't have to do anything. As bad as it sounds I thought for a while that he was just mooching off his parents since he didn't have to pay rent and just played games all day. But then he would have these really bad mood swings for weeks at a time where he was in a bad mood and said he was upset because he didn't have a job and wasn't in school. I asked him if he was sending out resumes or looking for jobs and he would say he sent out two or three but had spent the rest of the day playing games. My mom even tried to help him out and tried to get him in with her company when they had an opening. However, the hiring supervisor told her that he was concerned about hiring him because on his resume he had only worked at each job for a month or so and he didn't want to hire someone who was going to quit after only a month.

During all of this, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree and then went on to grad school. I was working full time and going to school and working very hard to get my degree. He finaly did find a job and he stayed at this one for a year. I really thought things were getting better and he was even seriously talking about going back to school. We got engaged during this time and he was really pushing for us to find an apartment and move in together. I was hestitant to do this because I really wanted to finish school first since my job didn't pay enough to support us both in an apartment if he quit his job again. This really frustrated him and caused a lot of problems.

He saved up some money from his job and wanted to get lasik surgery. However, they ended up messing up one of his eyes during surgery. (I guess he was one of those 1 in a 1000 they say it goes wrong on). As a result, he couldn't see out of one of his eyes and was having to go to the doctor once a month to get it checked out. They were going to do corrective surgery on the damaged eye but they had to wait for it to heal. They offered him a free special contact lens he could wear that would help him see out of the damaged eye so he could drive and go to work but he declined. His job ended up firing him because he was not going to work. So he started staying home again and playing video and computer games all day again.

I graduated with my masters degree and I started looking for a job. I was spending hours a day online and calling places to find a job. I ended up getting a really great job that I am still very happy with. During this time his mom decided to buy another house and put their other house up for sale. She agreed to let him live there rent free as long as he was keeping the house clean in case someone came by to look at it. He really started to push the moving in thing again but a lot harder this time. I was so concerned about it because he didn't have a job and wasn't even looking for one. He would say he couldn't work because he couldn't drive because of his eye. But then he would go over to friend's houses and the doctor had offered to give him that special contact. I kept putting off moving in and he would get madder and madder saying that he could really use my help taking him to the store and other places and he needed my help financialy since his parents had moved into their new house. He was making me feel very guilty.

I have racked up a lot of student loans while in school and I really need to get those paid off. I finally have a great job with an awesome salary that I worked very hard to get. My car is very old and constantly breaking down and I would love to get my loans paid off and then buy a new car. But he keeps pressuring me to move in with him and makes me feel guilty for not being there. He complains all the time about being in a "big old house" by himself with no where to go and nothing to do. He constantly buys things on credit and this irritates me. He bought a huge plasma tv and a new game system. When I asked him how he paid for it he made subtle comments like "well you can help me out with the bill if you want, I could really use that".

The doctor and his mom finally talked him into wearing the corrective contact lens. But he still is not really trying to find a job. He says he can't drive because he can't afford his gas or car insurance. He will complain about not having a job, but when I ask him if he looked online or sent out resumes he will say no.

Now he is having problems paying his bills because he is running out of money (he had saved a lot of money when he worked for a year). Last week he called me really upset and depressed and I offered to help him out with one of his bills since I am now working (I know this was stupid)I made sure he understood this was a one time thing. Now he is putting a guilt trip on me for all his bills. He says he can't pay his electricity bill and buy food, etc.... I told him he might want to go stay with parents for a while until he finds a job or take back his game system so he will have the money but he says no. He is really pressuring me hard to move in with him, even though I said I want to get some loans paid off and buy a new car.

I can't help but feel really irritated here, and I don't know if that is right. I worked soooooooooo hard to get through school while he sat home everyday and played video games and his mom made him lunch and dinner. Once I got out of school I spent hours sending out resumes and going on interviews until I got a job. He has done nothing and that bothers me.

I'm ready for us to get married and move on with our life together, but we can't unless I support us (which he is completely okay with) and I feel that's not fair. My friends are starting to get married and have kids and I would really like for us to have that as well, but I'm not ready to have to shoulder all of the finances alone so I can get married to him and have kids. He has been to see counselors who have told him he is not depressed and nothing is wrong. I financially cannot afford to pay his bills but he is making me feel extremely guilty. He knows I have a great new job with a really good salary so I should be "helping him out". But I really get upset with that since all he does is stay home everyday and play.

Am I being the bad one here? I really do want to help him, but I am also mad that he's not trying to find a job. I usually end up paying for us when we go out and we take my car. I would love to be taken out once in a while and have him pay for dinner. I would love to feel secure in moving in with him but I don't. He won't work and when he does he always finds an excuse to quit. I don't want to have the pressure that I will be having to always support us but he really makes me feel guilty for not moving in with him and helping him out. Am I just being selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:13am

No you are not being selfish... but you are being used. And if you continue to let him use you it is not his fault anymore but yours. You can't change him, he has to do that himself.

Do you honestly think it will get better if you get married? Don't move in with him. Decide what you want and need in a relationship and if he can't give it to you, get out. He can only continue this way if you let him. It doesn't sound like he is going to change, why should he when he has his parents and you enabling him to do this? You need to take control of your own life. You deserve respect, love and a partner that is your equal, someone that has the same values and beliefs that you do. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:22am
I am totally amazed that an intelligent, ambitious woman like yourself has spent six years with this mooch. He isn't going to change. His parents have enabled him all his life, and now he's looking to you to do the same. Truthfully, you sound fully ready to do it. For heaven's sake, don't pay any of his bills, drive him anywhere, marry him, or have any children with him. I almost never say this of human beings, but he sounds absolutely worthless, sort of like a mosquito or a--hmmm, a leech.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 9:13pm

'He complains all the time about being in a "big old house" by himself with no where to go and nothing to do. He constantly buys things on credit and this irritates me. He bought a huge plasma tv and a new game system. When I asked him how he paid for it he made subtle comments like "well you can help me out with the bill if you want, I could really use that".

Are you kidding me? If you marry him don't expect him to change. Imagine what he will teach the children about work ethics. He will forever be ruining your credit, not looking for a job and you will always be frustrated. He is using you. You can love someone and know that you can't have a healthy relationship with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 9:46pm

Hi Mjfrog,

Please don't ruin your life by marrying this guy, he will use you and make you feel like you are wrong when you are not constantly. If he is already making you feel bad now, can imagine what it will be if you marry him? Do you really want your kids to be just like him and take advantage of people their whole lives?

You sound like a very smart, educated and motivated woman, you should be looking for someone who recognizes that about you and admires and respects you, not someone who just sees you as another person to take advantage of. He sounds like a mamas boy all the way and always will be. you cant teach an old dog new tricks! good luck and be smart! :)