Time Conflicts

Avatar for wlmr3803djr
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Time Conflicts
3
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 6:58pm
I've been dating my wonderful bf for a few months now. In these past few months I've noticed a chronic problem on his part....time! I am very punctual when it comes to meeting times and other such things, most times arriving at least 15 minutes earlier than when I'm scheduled to be somewhere. My bf, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. He plans on leaving/being somewhere at a certain time, but he gets easily distracted, playing his guitar, drums or doing something else and most times doesn't even get around to leaving till AFTER the time he was supposed to meet whoever he's meeting! For a good example, we were taking a road trip last week and I met him at his house at noon. We'd planned to leave by 1 at the latest (and this was a long road trip...1200 miles one way!). Well by the time he gets around and gets a shower and packs (keep in mind we've been planning this trip for 3 months) it's nearly 4! Needless to say, I was NOT happy. He does this nearly all the time. I've tried repeatedly reminding him, but the more you push him the more he just pushes back. He doesn't own a watch - in fact his mother told me she bought him one for his birthday once and he got mad at her and gave it back! Just wondering if there's anything I can do to help him manage his time better - without sounding like a bossy, nagging girlfriend- and realize that yes, his friends know how he is, but that doesn't mean he HAS to be like that!?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 7:30pm
Take it from the chronically late....he's "not late" by his estimation and standards.

That's why you can't "help him manage his time" - his time management skills are just fine they just aren't up to your standards.

And since the higher standard is NEVER what is adhered to...if you can't live with his lower standard you need to move on.

the chronically late...are chronically late.

And here's a tip - from someone who is with someone who's chronically late....the method by which they conduct their lives is what makes them chronically late. They can't choose, decide, pick, or prioritize until all the votes are in, the options put forth, and the situations reviewed....none of which can be done till the last minute becuase if they close the options out too early - they might miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

And that is what makes these people lacking in "success" as a rule in conventional terms. Success by societal definition requires you to set goals, to form the plan by which to achieve them, to stick with the plan despite feelings or setbacks, to accept detours are part of the reality but the focus is the goal, and the plan is the method by which to reach it.

Chronically late people don't do that. They don't set "real goals" - they want to enjoy themselves, have a good time, have some fun, or do what is most beneficial based on the needs or wants of the moment at hand. So they're out there reviewing everything and going well, I could run the marathon, or I could go to work, or I could go out with Tammy, but Johnny is having that party at the lake, and there's Susie and Jerry who're having a BBQ...but wait, don't make a decision yet...something else might come along like a trip to Jamacia that makes all these options look like garbage.

Take a hint from him getting mad at his mother about the watch...he's a man who lives by his own priorities, per his own standards, and to meet his own needs and requirements and "being on time" is an anal retentive habit that he has no intention, desire, or willingness to fall into.


If you can't live with it - dump him. Because you still stop (been here and am here now) being 15 minutes to events where you take him...and you'll start leaving for the events about 5 minutes after you should have been there already. Becuase he'll be with you....and he's always late and you can't control or change it.

The joke amongst our friends is "Is Erin with Richard? If so, she'll be late." And when we call to make plans they ask specifically "Is that Erin time where you're on-time, or Erin and Richard time where you'll end up here eventually?"

And in case you're thinking about "consequences" there aren't any that'll be effective.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 7:55pm
I don't think this is anything you can change about him. It sounds like part of his personality. Some people are organizers-they like to keep lists, prioritize, are always on time etc while others are like you describe. He probably resents being kept to limits and hearing reminders.

However, for special circumstances you two should be able to compromise and he should respect that you have requested he be on time. It is not too much to ask him to change his behavior on occasion and if loves you this shouldn't be such a difficult task.

I know how you feel. I am the same way and have broken up with guys that were really laid back, non planners, always late for that reason. It drives me crazy.

So are you willing to live with it?

Avatar for wlmr3803djr
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 9:56pm
thanks to both of you for your responses. You make good points. This is one of his few faults that I've discovered so far. It's his business if he ends up late to events with HIS friends, that's no business of mine at all, but what frustrated me was his lack of consideration for me when it came to my plans with the trip (considering it was MY trip I'd been planning for 4 months and I invited him on). I mean, we were leaving for FL (we live in PA) so it wasn't like being a few hours behind wasn't a big deal, each hour was one hour less we had on an already short trip (we left PA Friday afternoon and left to come home Sunday night). But anyway, thanks for the responses, and I think this is a fault I can deal with, I think just needed to vent!