Time management (please help)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Time management (please help)
3
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 4:11pm
I really need some advice/help/answers... anything.

My boyfriend of a year and a half had a change back in January. We used to spend all of our time together and love it, relishing in all of the little and small things we do together. Suddenly, come January of 2004 we went on a break b/c he had needed time away, and then we went through a rough patch of being broken up from February to late April (yet still seeing each other and saying we loved each other, etc.). When we got back together at the end of April, I thought his "desire" to be with me like we used to had come back. Nevertheless, come June he was needing more time alone, and eventually told me that sometimes he's "guilted" into spending time w/ me. God... how do you think that made me feel? He's also completely changed (since January) in the sense that he takes me for granted. He neglects me and doesn't make me feel loved or welcome like he used to. I don't want to make it sound like he's a horrible boyfriend... But it's like, hot and cold if you know what I mean. One moment he can be spouting wonderful things off to me and telling me how much he loves me and of our plans for the future... And the next minute, he's boring, distant, uncaring and uncompassionate.

(Did I mention that he’s a Gemini? “The Twins”… “Two-faced”… Funny thing.)

So as of a few days ago I had realized that I was very unhappy and dissatisfied in our relationship, and I broke up with him. It was so horribly hard to do b/c we love each other so much and had so many plans for the future. However the next day he sends me an email telling me how much he misses me, realized how he’d neglected me, this and that. I took it as a sign that he had done a turn around. Then we talked last night and apparently he misses me, and realizes he needs to show me more how much he really cares about and cherishes me…But. He still wants all of this alone (rather, w/o me) time. A good “balance” he says.

Now, I totally understand that we’re different people, and some people need more alone time than others. And I can’t blame him for not craving to be w/ me like I do him. And I know I can’t be mad at him for how he feels. And I know I definitely cannot change how he feels about our “time management”. What I’m getting at (after all of this, thank you for reading) is we basically planned to work through this together (him being more appreciative of me), but I’ve come to realize that things probably won’t ever go back to the time we used to spend together. I don’t know if anyone understands, but it’s really frustrating, and hurtful, and I feel pathetic b/c I want to come see him at the end of a work day, and I want to spend days doing things with him, I want it to be how it used to be, but often times he’d just rather not see me, and I feel pathetic just “always being on his call”. It’s just a hard situation. He made a change in his desire to see me, but I’m still stuck in the past where I still want to do everything with him. (Please note that yes, I do have friends and I do hang out w/ them. I don’t mean my bf and I need to be together 24/7, but the majority of the time yes.)

It comes down to me being dissatisfied and hurt, and not knowing whether I should just suck it up and be there for him when HE wants to be w/ me, or if I’m just putting up w/ a relationship that is unhealthy and isn’t fair… I know this was long, but please help. This is making me such an unhappy, depressed person.

Thanks

P.S. I've never heard about or read about this sort of relationship problem before... Is that a bad or good sign?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 12:53am
We need more info. How much time do you spend together versus apart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 1:14am
Well we used to spend all of our days together, doing random stuff and whatnot, but we both loved doing everything together. But like I said, we hung out w/ other friends seperately when we wanted to, or were apart if we had other personal things to do. Suddenly in January '04 we went through a "break", the a break-up for almost 3 months (for the reason of him wanting less time "as a couple", among other reasons.) It was always his call, since I would always want to spend time w/ him. Maybe I'm just still stuck in the "new couple happy phase" and he's moved on... Anyway, recently, well, for the last 5 days, we've seen each other a total of probably 3 hours, most of that spent arguing/discussing our relationship (or lack there of). And before that, we spent a good amount of time together- like everyday, most of the day- until I started to feel tension and I found out that he had felt guilted alot into hanging out w/ me... I dunno... I know I can't blame him for just not wanting to spend time with me. But I'm really unhappy and don't know if this will pass, or what... If it doesn't pass I know I won't want to be with him, b/c I'll just feel neglected and rejected. But if he suddenly does realize that he enjoys as much, or at least more time with me as I do, then that would be great. Except one thing... As I said, we broke up for 3 months for this reason and others. And he told me as of April 24th that he wanted me to be his girlfriend again, for good and we'd work through any problems together. Then we started spending all the time together that we had in the beginning of our relationship...And a little more than a month later, here we are back at square one...

I know he truly loves me, although reading this you might think I'm naive and our relationship is a joke. I mean, I'm the one completely upset and telling him I just don't know if I can deal with it. And he's the one telling me that things will get better and he knows that no matter what, we'll end up together. It's annoying, b/c he's so determined and sure that we're meant to be- as I have always been-, yet as things are currently, I'm just so doubtful. I just dont know. I wish I could tell the future. Ugh. I hope this makes things more clear. Thank you so much for listening and helping...

Oneandonly2124

P.S. Is this normal? Am I dependent and just need to take up a hobby and stop thinking about him so much? How can *I* work on things???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 1:45pm
Well, I think you two are different from the girl/guy thing. I think you should read the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus book. Men develop their feelings more when the have time away from us and they do need more alone time than we do to process their thoughts and feelings.

To spend most of every day together is too much. But only 3 hours per week is not enough. I think you need to find a happy medium.

Maybe instead of focusing on how much time you can try to make plans to do fun things a few days per week. I also think that if you make yourself less available you will create more of a demand to be with you. You cannot demand that someone be with you unless they want to - I would not want a guy to be with me because I want him to - I would want him to be with me because he wants to.

Perhaps if you could view your time away as something good to make him miss you that would be good. And don't be at his beckon call - if he calls and you are busy then so be it - don't drop everything for him.

Focus on your education/career/life/hobbies/working out and friends. Put yourself first. Be a little hard to get. And read that book.

If it is meant to be, it will be. I think you will be okay if you can look at it a little differently.

Good luck and keep us posted.