Timing Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Timing Question
11
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 4:18pm

My bf and I were planning to go away for a romantic weekend in belize this weekend together, last weekend his friend’s wife passed away (his friend lives 1000 miles from us).

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 4:38pm

Welcome to the board sunnyside2007,


It does suck that he just decided he wanted to go to Cali and it is too late for you to get your vacation time back. It is understandable that you would be upset. It is also understandable that he would want to be with his friend after the death of his wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 8:47pm

Welcome to the board sunnyside2007,


Nice guy, 'when you want to at like a grown up, call me? and you're selfish'

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Fri, 02-22-2008 - 8:17am
I think this is a difficult situation. Its not really fair that he didn't tell you this when you asked him, since you can't get your vacation time back now. But, since the cause of it is a death, I don't think you can make a big deal of it. The best thing to do is just explain your feelings to him, without sounding angry, because that will just cause him to get defensive and mad. He should be willing to listen to your feelings and try and understand. I would just go and enjoy as much time with him as you can. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Maybe at first he thought it would be ok if he didn't go and support his friend, but now for whatever reason he is suddenly realizing he has to go. I think its understandable. But it sounds like he got pretty angry. Was it justified? Were you being really nasty to him? If so, I think its only natural for him to get angry and nasty back. If not, does he always act like this? If he does, I think you should talk to him about it. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 02-22-2008 - 11:38am

Whenever death is part of the problem, you need to give someone else more slack than usual. Regardless of who is wrong and who is right, his friend's wife died and that is a big deal to him. You need to ease up on him, let go of the anger, and move on. Your vacation was mildly interrupted - you're still going, and you'll still have fun. Maybe it wasn't amazing of him to drop the ball on you so late, but people react strangely to death. Perhaps his friend called him up last minute.

I think you should go and enjoy your time, and try to be a bit more understanding. This shouldn't really be making a problem in your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 10:58am

Thank you everyone for your advice-I really appreciate it.


I decided not to go on the trip.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 12:45pm

Why doesn't he want you at the funeral?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 4:06pm
Do you know his friend and his late wife very well?
I don't agree with itwinflame at all. Funerals are not weddings, they are not parties. They are not occasions to get crazy about "WE/US", they are occasions for people who were close to the deceased to mourn and offer condolences to the bereaved family and friends. It is not necessary for you to be there because a funeral isn't necessarily a "____ and date" occasion. It seems you think you should be there because it is your anniversary. You'll have lots more of those, don't worry. I don't know why he needed to go to this alone, but it's his prerogative and he has his reasons. I think that going to his friend's funeral alone is an ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS thing to get upset over or base assumptions of your relationship on (as the CL suggests) and I hope you can find it in your heart to let this go and celebrate another time when it is more appropriate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 5:59pm
I don't disagree with you. But with my head cold clearly, I'm not explaining myself well or fully. They live together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 6:16pm
If the other stuff were part of the problem at hand I'd agree with you... I just don't think a funeral should factor in
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 6:30pm

Did you know the friend and his wife very well? Maybe not since they live 1,000 miles away.

To be honest, I wouldn't read too much into his wanting to go to the funeral alone.

You did tell him that the objective of a trip would be to spend time together, and he may be thinking that his objective of this particular trip should be to spend time with his best friend.

He also may not have wanted to show up with a "date" to a funeral, especially when his friend just lost his "date" (his wife) forever. You and this guy will hopefully have plenty of more anniversaries, but his best friend won't have any more with his wife.

So, I say that you should cut him some slack about the funeral. Maybe tell him to go ahead without you but suggest you can pick a night the following weekend to celebrate your anniversary, just the two of you.

Good luck... let us know how it turns out.

Pages