Tired of being disrespected

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Tired of being disrespected
6
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 1:26am

I have been married to the same man for 18 years. He has never helped around the house even though I continue to beg. Things have gotten much worse over the past 4 years. Now he even refuses to maintain the lawn or repair anything. He says that it's "Woman's work" to do these things for the man. I say it should be divided equally! I work 25 hours a week outside the home, clean it to the best of my ability (hard when you have a slob of a husband and 3 kids who follow in his footsteps). I also take care of all of the finances, all of the car maintenance, animal care, grocery shopping, take out trash, take care of discipline where the kids are concerned, and you name it, I am expected to do it!!! He works 40 hours a week and that's it!!! He does whatever he wants after that(which is usually sit and watch t.v., lay down and relax or shop the internet for useless gadgets that we don't need).

His mom did everything for him and he expects me to be the same way, but I am not ever going to be that way. I was raised on a farm where everyone did their share of the work.
It worked for my family, I wish it would work with my current family.

I'm so sick of it!!! I hate to be home anymore or be around him. The clutter and mess has gotten out of control and I can no longer keep up!! I get so anxious, overwhelmed and depressed. I don't know what to do, I find myself no longer caring. What's your advice? Please help!!
Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 3:09pm
what about leaving the home for a week or so. letting them fend for themselves. u need a break before u snap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 4:37pm

Rocknroller, although your husband will probably never help you, you have three pairs of little hands that need to learn to be capable, responsible, and helpful. You are the mom; these are your children. They need to be taught to tidy up after themselves and make a contribution to the family as a whole, just as you did on the farm. When they whine, "Dad doesn't have to!" just reply, "Dad is an adult; he does what he thinks is right for an adult. You are my child, so you will do what I think is right for children."

Oh, and hire a yard service to take care of the stuff outside--you have to draw the line somewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:04pm
I would love to leave for a week, unfortunately, I can't afford to leave. I don't have the financial means. And I have no friends or family in which I can rely on. I try so hard not to use my credit cards, but I have been fighting that temptation as well. The last thing I need is to go into debt on top of everything else. I appreciate your advice none the less.
Thanks.
I also hope you can find a solution to your dilemma. I feel your pain. It helps to talk to someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:48pm
Actually the hands aren't so little, they are teenage hands. I have been doing everything for years to get them to help and on occasion they do. I tell them that they cannot have money or other privileges until a chore I assign is done. They don't seem to care enough about the money or the privilege to do the chores. Mainly because my husband gives them what they want for free. Who would you listen to? So all of my efforts are in vain. This is a common problem around our house and a major argument for years. Basically, I am always made out to be the bad guy and dad is the hero. When I say no, he says yes almost 100% of the time. He just doesn't want to deal with it and loads it all on me. Like I said before in my first post, he does not give one ounce of discipline to the kids, but I keep on trying. I fear that they will not be prepared enough for the real world because of what he has demonstrated all of these years. I continue to do all I can to the best of my ability on my own to prepare them. I don't really know what else I can do in this situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 4:25pm
Yes, if they're already teenagers and your husband keeps undercutting you, there is not much you can do. It sounds miserable. Tell me again: why do you stay?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 10:44pm
I stay because of several factors. 1) Finances (I don't have enough money). 2) No where to go ( I have no friends or family that I can rely on to help me). 3) I love my kids and they would suffer. At this point in time, I am concentrating on them even though I am so very miserable with their father. I know they love both of us. I keep telling myself that in 3 1/2 years all 3 kids will be off to college. I'll take care of me once I know that they will be alright. Until then, I just need to keep venting to who ever will listen. That will help me keep some sanity.