*Today, I told him to leave & I'm happy*

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
*Today, I told him to leave & I'm happy*
7
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 1:14pm
Today, we basically had it out. Let me give you all more insight to our problems. My husband wants me to do what he says, when he says it, and exactly how he wants it. If it's not done his way, he fusses. Our relationship is sort of like the typical couple except it's the opposite. He's the nagger and I'm the procrastinator. I clean up when I'm ready. He hates the fact that I'm a procrastinator and he always complains about how I clean. It's NEVER to his satisfaction. He says I half-do everything. Today, I cried because I'm so tired of him putting me down. Here's what happened. Last night, he went to watch the game at a friends house and I told him that I would wash & condition our son's hair and then give him a bath. Well, my son is 8 and he's not too keen about me being in the bathroom while he's bathing, so I just washed his hair and let him go to bed. I also didn't lay his clothes out last night. So, this morning, he woke him up and gave him breakfast. I then woke up and told him to hurry up and eat so that he can take a shower. My husband had a FIT! He's yelling "I thought he took a shower last night!!!" I said, "No, I told him to go to sleep and take it in the morning." Then, he said "Damn! You don't never do anything right!!!" And we started bickering after that. It's like everyday, he finds something to fuss about. He never apologizes for snapping at me or putting me down, he just forgets about it like it never happened and then expects sex later. NOT!!!! He thinks that sex fixes everything. Not in my book! After he's treated me like crap, I don't want him touching me at all! I feel like he has a lot of anger inside of him and he takes it all out on ME! Today, I told him that our son keeps pressing the issue about another baby and I told him that he & I have too many issues and we don't like each other right now. He said "Babies bring joy" I said, but I'm not happy right now and neither are you and I'm not bringing another baby in the world this way". Then he said "what do you want from me?" I said, "I want to be in love again." I then said, "Once I'm in love again, that's when I'll have another baby." He said "So, you don't love me?" I said, "I love you, I just don't like you and I'm not in love with you right now". So, we were silent for a while. I recommended counseling, he said "NO! That's just a waste of time!" I told him that he hurt my feelings this morning and that I'm tired of him talking to me like any kind of way and putting me down. He said "Well, if you would do right, then I wouldn't have to talk to you like that!" We both went on & on and I finally said, "It all boils down to the fact that we can't live together, so why don't you move out?" He said "I'm not leaving my kids, YOU move out!" So, by the end of the conversation, we mutually decided for him to leave. Ever since we've come to that conclusion, I have been feeling so happy. I just want to see how my life would be without him in it. I believe that we both would be happy at this point if we were to part. It's gonna be difficult because he's a devoted father so I'll probably see him daily, but I can't help it I just feel like this is the right thing for me right now. I don't like the person that I have became over the past few years. All we do is fight, and that's not me. I'm the peacemaker, I hate arguing and fighting. He seems to enjoy it and get some type of sick thrill out of it. I think a separation will do both of us some good. I'm actually looking forward to it. So, I know this is very long, but tell me what you all think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 4:41pm

I just wanted to say good for you for sticking up for yourself and for sticking out the conversation until a conclusion was reached. A lot of people get in fights all the time and make counseling, separating and divorces comments, and then just let the conversation die and nothing gets resolved, and then the same fight happens the next day. I know how hard it can be to stand up for yourself. I think you had every right to ask him to leave. How do you think your 8 year old is going to treat women if they see their dad's treating their moms like crap and their moms just sit and take it. It was a brave thing that you did for yourself and your children. Who knows, maybe your husband will get a clue?

Good luck and stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 4:47pm

::He said "Well, if you would do right, then I wouldn't have to talk to you like that!"

Typical abuser response.

What do I think? I hope you will seek counseling for yourself to help you address the issues that have been building for so long.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 10:38am
Acutally, I was going to counseling for a while until I broke my ankle. Once it heals, I'll go back. I guess that I've been in denial for so long that I've just sort of blocked it out and tried not to let it bother me. But, over the years, it has bothered me and has continued to bother me deep down in my soul. It really hurts me a lot. He does this in front of the kids a lot too. He's very unhappy with himself and also insecure and he takes his frustrations with himself out on me and I'm so tired. I'm so tired:-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 2:24pm
I'm glad to hear it. I will say too, sometimes 'relief' is so powerful that one doesn't know how unhappy life is while living in the same crap day after day. I have a cousin that was living with a guy, he got transfered more than 500 miles away from their home. He wanted her to move to be with him, but once he was gone, she was so relieved to be out from under the stress of the relationship that it made her realize that she wasn't going to move and needed to break up with him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 7:58pm
Good for you. I wish you all the best. Just mentioning that you feel relief that he is gone tells me that you should consider this a permanent situation. Children will sense the relief you feel and will respect you for taking the steps necessary to improve your life. Your husband will survive also. If the thought that he'll find someone else to demean bothers you, you know that you have not quite healed yourself. If possible, seek help for yourself so you don't get drawn back into his emotional abuse. Remember to NEVER EVER put your ex down in front of your children. Over time, they will turn on you if you say bad things about the dad that they love.
Sopal
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 8:59pm
i think you did a great job in being honest to yourself and him about no being in love. I also applaud the desicion you made on not having a baby. Now, you can see your life in a new light. I wish you luck,

Sincerely,

Fly_butterfly8
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:37am
Thank you for your support. I will have to improve on bad mouthing him. I never used to do it until he started bad mouthing me to the kids. I thought to myself, "You sure as hell aren't perfect!" So, that's when I began doing the same exact thing that he was doing. I know that two wrongs don't make a right and I know that it's so childish. I know this, but I grew tired of him just saying bad stuff about me and I was basically trying to ignore him. I just couldn't take it anymore.