ToMoveOrNotToMove

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2007
ToMoveOrNotToMove
5
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:43pm
I have been dating this wonderful man for two years. We are talking about moving in together. The issue...he lives in the house him and his ex-wife built together. I feel uncomfortable moving into 'their' house. He is unwilling to consider moving - now or future. Do I stick it out or move on?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:00pm
Find out why this house is so important to him that he can't consider the idea of compromising with you. I could see becoming attached to a house, but not so much if it affected my relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:51pm

<< I feel uncomfortable moving into 'their' house. He is unwilling to consider moving - now or future. Do I stick it out or move on?>>

Hmmm, this is interesting ... I had to ask myself what I would do if faced with the same situation. That is, if my BF had a problem with moving into my house, considering I *DID* at one point share it with my ex (fortunately, I know he wouldn't have a problem with it).

Honestly, I dont think I'd be willing to move, either. Though I didn't build my house ... for me, it simply wouldn't be feasible under current market conditions. Real estate values (where I live) have gone up SIGNFICANTLY and I would not be able to buy a comparable house where I live ... not in today's market (or in the foreseeable future).

Now, if the market were to change ... and I mean, change A LOT ... and I could afford to purchase a comparable or better home in the same area, sure ... I'd consider moving. Its a matter of dollars and "sense."

Perhaps the same is true for your BF. Or, perhaps he no longer views it as "their" house and would like for you to share the same view. To "build a bridge and get over it, " so to speak.

I can't say I'd blame him for not wanting to move ... that is, if he put a lot of blood, sweat, tears and MONEY into building that house ... and now, would not be able to buy a house of equal or more value ... that is as nice as the one he has ... or in as good of an area/neighborhood.

I mean, all things considered ... no man is going to want to make a MOVE DOWN ... just because his GF "doesn't feel comfortable." That doesn't make sense ... practically or financially speaking.

Would you feel more comfortable if, perhaps, he allowed you to redecorate? Buy new furniture, etc? I think would be a good compromise. That way, you can put your stamp on it, and if you were to see some of your influence and tastes in the home, woudl you feel more comfortable with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:46pm

Hi laprincessatersa and welcome to the board,


I take it you've been to his house...so how does it feel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 5:30am
As the girlfriend, it's inappropriate for you to ask him to make a change of that magnitude; when you are married, you can suggest it. As the other posters have said, selling the old house and buying a new one may be a bad financial decision, and even if it's not, it involves a lot of work and inconvenience. In addition to that, moving a household that has been established for years is incredibly taxing. I vote for waiting until your position is legally recognized before pressing for these changes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:42pm

<< I vote for waiting until your position is legally recognized before pressing for these changes. >>

I agree! I think the catch-22 for the OP is that she doesn't want to make that house her home ... and thus, isn't willing to take it further if that's the only option. So, looks like a stalemate, if you ask me. He isn't willing to move/sell ... she isn't willing to move into the house that he shared with his ex ... so, they are both putting the house above the relationship.

The difference, as I see it ... is that his reasons could very well be in line with what I talked about ... it may not make financial or logisitical sense. However, her reason is that she doesn't feel comfortable ... but, its hard to put a REASON behind that, kwim? It's just a 'feeling' ...and feelings aren't facts.