too controlling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
too controlling?
7
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 9:59am
My girlfriend and I have been going out for just over a year. The relationship has been very turbulent, as we started seeing each other while she was still with her boyfriend of 3 years. They have since broken up (about 6 months ago) and the ex boyfriend is sort of seeing someone new. The problems come when my girlfriend (who warned me that she still plans on staying best friends with her ex) does things that I find disrespectful to me and my feelings. For example, when she comes to visit me at school, she stays overnight at her ex's at least one of the nights. She used to sleep in the same bed as him but now when she does it he sleeps on the couch or something, still I feel like it is a little out of line. She also still goes as his date to his fraternity formals (the ex and I are seniors in college, she is one year out but lives just a few hours away), which she knows drives me crazy. She and her ex still talk on the phone every day and see each other at least once a month. I have tried to be really relaxed about it and just trust her to do the right thing, I didn't want to pressure her to end a 3 year relationship overnight. However, when I ask her not to sleep in his bed or go to his formals (the only two issues I've ever explicitly asked her to stop doing), she gets really upset and defensive, tells me that I am overly jealous and far too controlling. She has been in controlling relationships before and has vowed never to be in another one, and has made it very clear that I am not going to make her decisions for her. I don't know if I am overreacting in this situation but I feel like I am the one that has no control in this relationship. I have never felt the need to control every aspect of her life and I don't mind that she remains friends with her ex. But is it out of line for me to ask her not to sleep in his bed or go to his formals? I haven't bugged her about how much they still talk or see each other, I am trying my best not to let jealousy or mistrust get the best of me. It's not that I think she is sleeping with her ex or even that she wants to get back with him, I just think that if something bothers me so much (even though she thinks that sleeping at his house is no big deal) that she should factor my opinion into things and change that behavoior for me. Am I asking too much or should I put my foot down? She will definitely want out of the relationship if I give her an ultimatum ("stop sleeping with him and going to his formals or it's over")or anything like that.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:04am

First of all, if she cheated on him with YOU, what makes you think she's not going to (or already) cheating on YOU with HIM? Are you absolutely POSITIVE that they're really broken up? Also, just so you know, her cheating is not about that guy, it's about her and her values. If she can justify it once, she can justify it again. Only she knows what "good reasons" are for cheating. In my opinion, there is NO good reason to cheat. If it's not working, you break up. Period. There's no "well, it's complicated...". It's not.

And as for sleeping in his bed and going as his dates to his formals??? That is absolutely unacceptable.

Would she be ok with you sleeping in YOUR ex's bed and taking her as your date to dances and such?

That's not about being controlling. It's about setting your own boundaries for what you will and will not accept. I, for one, would not accept my bf sleeping in another woman's bed, be it his ex-gf, or someone who's "just a friend". It's simply NOT acceptable.

I also would not be ok with him going on dates with his ex. And that's what it is. She's getting all dressed up, he picks her up (or they meet) they go out dancing, he pays...it's a DATE!

It's not about an ultimatum. It's about whether or not you can date a woman who dates other men. She's using the "controlling" thing to control YOU and so she can continue to do as she pleases, with no regard to your feelings.

Have you tried sitting down and calmly discussing this with her? Don't make accusations, just sit and talk to her, in a non-confrontational manner.

Then you have to decide if you want to continue on in this way. You're with a girl who has a history of cheating, who is currently cheating (IMO). Why are you staying with her? What is so great about her that you'll put up with her lack of regard for your feelings and a lack of morals?

You deserve better than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:11am
I'm sorry you're in this situation. The truth is that your girlfriend is still very much attached to her ex, which doesn't bode well for your relationship. If you've asked her to stop doing certain things, and she refuses there's really nothing you can do but decide whether or not you can live with her behavior. Good luck.
Avatar for bubblebath1969
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:29pm
Why did they break up? It sounds like they should still be together. If this were me, I would end it without the ultimatum. This is totally disrespectful and doesn't make any sense. Why would she rather be with him than you if she loves you? She obvioulsy got together with you while she was with him and to be honest.....if she did that....she could be doing anything. Why would she not have sex with him while with you if she was having sex with you while with him? She is having her cake and eating it too as the old expression goes. YES, put your foot down and be ready to bail when she doesn't comply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 2:40pm

Welcome to the board gibson2007,


You are not being controlling at all. Her behavior with her ex is very disrecpetful to you since you are supposed to be in a committed relationship. I agree with the poster that suggested that they might not even be broken up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:34pm

Welcome to the board gibson,


Can I say, HOLY COW?


As nicely as possible:

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:56pm
Actually, we've talked about it a lot (cause it bothers me to no end) and her argument is this:
She needs a lot of freedom in her relationships. All of her past boyfriends have felt the need to have her on a leash and she can't stand it, and she admits that she probably cheated on them just to say "Hey, guess what, you're not in control of me, I do what I want. And if you try to cage me in, I'll just feel more of a need to get out." Her most recent ex is no real catch... he's not very good looking at all, and he's also insanely obnoxious and brags about his money (really rich, trust-fund baby). All of our mutual friends have always wondered what she saw in him, and when I ask her about it she says that the reason she stayed with him so long (he was her longest relationship to date by far) and why she never cheated on him for 3 years until I came along (she has cheated on all of her past boyfriends usually within a couple months of the relationship starting) is because he was the first guy that ever let her have her freedom. He always trusted her 100% and never had a problem with her hanging out with her exes or other guys, never questioned her about it, and just trusted her judgment to do the right thing and remain faithful and committed to him. She really liked knowing that she wasn't being fenced in or tied down, and even though he was severly lacking in some other areas of their relationship, she knew that he would always be there for her and he would never try to control her.
I've tried to bring up the "well how would you like it if I were sleeping with my ex?" but she denies that it would bother her, because she trusts me not to mess around on her. I am 99.9999% sure that there is absolutely nothing sexual going on between her and her ex anymore, but we both acknowledge that she is still somewhat hung-up on him in other ways. She hates the idea of him replacing her with another girl, she misses being part of his family, she misses the stability of their relationship, and the freedom that she had with him.
I understand that she doesn't want me running her life, and I really have zero desire to do that. However, from my end, it is very difficult for me to be the trusting boyfriend when first of all she is still hung up on her ex and second of all she won't give me an ounce of control. I feel like I am sitting in the passenger seat all the time. I'm not going to control her life, but I would like her to stop sleeping in her ex's bed. She doesn't take orders, and when I say, "Please stop ____." It just seems to make her want to do it more to prove to me that I have no say over what she does.
What should I say to make her see that I don't want control over her life, I'd just like her to stop doing one or two things that really make me upset?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 5:47pm

How could their relationship have been stable if she was cheating on him for the last six months of it?


I don't think you are going to get her to see your point on view on this.


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